Then I see it, the bowl on the counter. Coins. A couple of charity badges.
And a spare key.
I turn it over in my hand.
Definitely for the front door.
I slip it into my pocket.
And then I get the hell out of there.NineteenI love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.
Pietro AretinoPhoenixI’ve got her front door key in my pocket, the scent of her pussy on my fingers, and a storm of shit to work out at home.
The sword of unanswered questions hangs by a dangerously fine cord over my head, but tonight I’m charged enough to stare right up at it. No fear.
There is no whisky bottle on the coffee table when I let myself back in. No ashtray waiting to disturb my peace of mind.
Instead, there’s Serena, huddled asleep in the armchair, her long hair trailing over the arm. Her knees are held to her chest, her chin resting on top. She looks precariously peaceful, one tiny move and she’d topple.
I forget how small she is, my little sister. I forget how Jake and I used to be so fucking protective over the little girl with big dark eyes, even if she was full enough of spit and fury to ward off demons herself.
If only she could ward off mine. Hell, she’s tried – trapped between two bulls baying for each other’s blood, even though it’s the same fucking blood in their veins.
I prop myself in the doorway, just to be there awhile. I collect my thoughts until she stirs.
She starts as she sees me there. “I was waiting up for you. What time is it?”
“Late,” I tell her. “Why aren’t you upstairs? You do still have a bed.”
She looks away. “We can’t go on just pretending everything is normal, Leo.”
She’s right about that.
Her eyes meet mine. “We need to talk… about Jake…”
“Fuck Jake,” I say.
“I said some awful things, Leo. Awful. But I said the truth… we don’t know…”
I shoot her a glare. “You think I’m too chicken shit to let him see my son? You think this is some shitty excuse for denial because I’m too scared to face the truth?”
She shrugs. “I don’t know. Is it?”
I shake my head and smile at the ridiculousness of all this. “Jake’s a fucking mess, Serena. He’s a drunk who can’t keep his shit together.” I glare at her. “He hates me too fucking much to keep a lid on his crap. His bitterness is toxic to everyone, not least himself. Cam sure as hell doesn’t need Jake’s fucking baggage, he’s got enough of his own.”
“But you can’t do this…” she whispers. “He’ll never cope if you stop him seeing Cam.”
“I never fucking started letting him see Cam.”
She shrugs again. “He’s my brother, yours too.”
“I know who he is, and I don’t like it one bit.”
I see her clock the mud on my clothes. “Where did you go tonight?”
I wave her question aside. “Doesn’t matter.”
And she loses her shit, just like that. “And this is where the problem is. So many secrets. So many lies. We’re sinking, all of us. Jake looks like death, you’re so tightly wound, I don’t even know you anymore.”
“You know me,” I tell her. “You know Cam, too.”
“And Jake… I know Jake… I know how much he loved her…”
I knock my head back against the doorframe. “Jesus Christ, Serena.”
And we’re there again. Arguing over the fucking L word. Arguing over a woman who’s long in the fucking ground, lost to us all.
“He’ll never let it go,” she carries on. “If you stop him seeing Cam, it’ll send him over the edge… it’s the last he’s got… the last piece of…”
“Her,” I finish. “And I don’t give a fuck, Serena, I swear. He’s my boy. I’m the one who tucks him into bed at night. I’m the one who picks him up when he scrapes his knees. I’m the one who’d kill to keep him safe.” My eyes are wild but I don’t care. “And I will kill to keep him safe. Whoever he needs keeping safe from.”
It’s her turn to slam her head backwards. “Fucking hell, Leo. Where will this ever end?”
I don’t have an answer, so I don’t give her one.
“I love you,” she continues. “Enough to give you the truth, even though it feels like shit, and I’m telling you now, this is a bad road. We’re all on a bad road.” She sighs, then gets up from the chair. “I can’t choose you or him, but I can choose Cam. Please let me come back home for him.”
“You want to move back in here? With us? Abandon poor, sad Jake?”
She bites her thumbnail. “You haven’t really left me a choice, have you?”
She’s got a point. “And you’ll stop the secret fucking visits?”