I take a seat at the table and pat the place next to me for Cam. He climbs up without protest, doesn’t even look for his high chair. That’s got to be progress. Got to mean something.
I’m clutching at straws, but I don’t care. Not right now.
I’m still fucking angry, but it feels easier not to show it. Everything feels easier right now.
Serena spoons me out a bowlful and slips into the chair opposite. She looks at her food and not at me.
I thank her and she nods.
I hold back from helping Cam with his cutlery, and sure enough he does it for himself.
“It’s nice to be back,” Serena offers finally.
I don’t have a response for that, so I say nothing.
“I’ve enjoyed the day with Cam,” she continues. “We had a good day, didn’t we?” she prompts and he smiles.
It’s a good move on her part. I can’t argue with a smile from my boy and she knows it.
“What are your plans?” I ask and she shrugs.
“I want to come back, Leo. Please let me stay.”
I sigh. Smile to myself. Smile at how crazy my world is.
And then I breathe.
I just fucking breathe.
Open-toed sandals and a red summer dress. Her beautiful confusion.
Her shaking fingers.
The want in her eyes.
“Stay for dinner,” I say to my sister. “Cam wants you around. Right, champ?”
He nods. Grins.
I just wish he’d fucking say something.
“And you?” she asks. “Do you want me around, too?”
Too much, too soon. I feel my eyes darken on hers.
She holds up a hand. “Sorry, my bad.”
But it’s mine.
It’s all mine.
I eat my potato salad and keep my mouth shut. I tell her it’s delicious and clear up the bowls.
And then I head upstairs to let my demons run free.AbigailI race upstairs to my apartment. I curse my laptop for taking so long to start up.
I log in with bated breath, but there’s nothing there.
Just the same old greyed out profile staring back at me.
Crap.
Holy motherfucking crap.
I try it again, logging out and back in just to see if it makes any difference.
It doesn’t.
I drop onto my sofa and keep the window open on screen.
He’s got to be there. Got to be.
But he isn’t.
And then, in a heartbeat, he is.
Oh my poor heart, how it thumps.
In a flash his greyed out profile comes back to life. His picture appears right where it should be. Phoenix Burning online.
I stare at the little green circle as my soul expands and soars free.
My fingers have a life of their own, but his message pings through first.
You’re pretty reckless, hunting down a monster in a strange town. You’d better hope the monster doesn’t creep up on your tail.
He has no idea how much I want him creeping up on me. No idea how fucking crazy I am for another round in the darkness.
I press enter and send him my message, niceties be fucked.
I need to see you again. Please.
I watch the icon as he types.
Be careful what you wish for. This beast isn’t tame. It’s wild. Dangerous.
It fucking bites.
I remember his teeth on me. The way he nipped my neck. The tickle of his beard. His breath.
How much I wanted him.
I wish for everything, I type. Scare me. Chase me. Hunt me down. I don’t care.
I keep on typing before he has a chance to respond.
You brought me to life again. Being with you gave me hope when I had none. I can’t go back.
My heart is racing, mouth dry. I feel like an addict going cold turkey, desperate for a fix.
His message pings. I can barely look.
This is crazy. Dangerous.
Out of hand already.
I can’t argue with that. I don’t even try.
Please. Just tell me where to go.
I cross my fingers and toes. I cross my legs too, clamping my thighs closed just to feel the squeeze against my pulsing clit.
His reply takes an age, and it feels different now. I can picture him now. His brooding darkness, the gorgeous bulk of him.
Be ready at midnight. I’ll tell you where to go.
If you change your mind, just stay offline.
It you’ve any sense, you’ll change your mind.
I haven’t any sense. I’ve come to terms with that already. I’m at peace with these reckless decisions and the rocky road I’m travelling.
I just hope he is, too.
My reply is easy. Obvious.
I’ll be ready at midnight.
He’s already offline when I hit enter.PhoenixI’d have told Serena she was welcome to stay over regardless of whether or not I had somewhere to be tonight. I’m not such a prick that I’m only offering for my own ends.
She sorts out Cam’s bed time, and he’s happy for it. She reads him his story as I listen from the landing outside.
It’s the one about the ducks and the caterpillar. I know the words by heart.
I’m desperate to hold her tight and make things up. The words are stuck in my throat, begging to come out and thank her for everything she’s done for us. To ask her to come home.