I shivered as they walked on by, my heart thumping to a whole other rhythm as he held open the door for her and she stepped on out.
It was still thumping through the rest of the table’s chitchat, my tummy still panging when Sebastian and his friends broke up from the bar and headed on over. I grabbed my coat and said my goodbyes, smiling an empty smile at my fiancé as we walked to the taxi rank outside.
He didn’t even look at me.
I stared at him as the taxi drove us home, but he was scrolling through his phone, oblivious. I tried to summon the want for him I should be feeling, but there was nothing there.
He opened the front door, turned off the intruder alarm and hung his jacket up. He tossed the keys onto the kitchen counter and scrolled through his phone some more, and I watched him. I watched him and tried to feel something. Summon something. Anything.
“Did you take your meds?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said. “I took them before we left.”
“No seizures?”
“None,” I said.
He poured me a glass of water and put it on the counter. I sipped it while he scrolled some more. Then he yawned, and finally he looked at me.
“Bed time,” he said.
I hadn’t even taken my coat off, but he didn’t notice, just walked on by me and headed upstairs. My hands were shaking as I took off my heels and got ready to follow him. My legs felt bandy as I climbed the stairs, my heart still thumping as he finished brushing his teeth with the bathroom door open.
He was already in bed when I’d done mine and taken my makeup off. His face was lit up by the glow of his phone screen, and I knew he was attractive, but I didn’t see it. He wasn’t interested in the slightest as I slipped my dress off, unclipped my bra and slid my knickers down. He didn’t even shoot me a glance as I pulled the covers back and got in bed beside him.
I wanted to sleep. I wanted to turn off the churn inside and forget about the lot of it, but I couldn’t. My eyes were wide open and fixed on the ceiling when he finally put his phone down on the bedside table and flicked the lamp off. They stayed there when he closed the distance between us and climbed on top.
His kiss was wet, but not passionate.
His hands were dancing their regular groping tune, but they weren’t really trying.
Mine were dancing their regular tune right back, my legs spreading to let him in, where he thrusted and humped and grunted.
I didn’t even pretend to come this time. He didn’t notice, just rolled away when he was done, patted my thigh as some kind of thank you, and then he was off to sleep. His back was to me, his breaths deepening, and I was lying there wide awake, still churning.
Still staring at the ceiling.
And then I said it. On a breath, I said it.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
There was fear, and sadness, and a whole part of me screaming inside that I was crazy, but I couldn’t stop it. I was done. My heart did one final frantic leap and begged me to dig, to find myself again, and I knew I couldn’t do it here. Not in this life with the man so determined that I was a sick little liability who needed to be a smiling nobody on his arm, nodding at his every word.
He didn’t wake up until I grabbed his shoulder and shook him. He started before he rolled on over, and my voice sounded unsteady as I said it again.
“I can’t do this anymore, Sebastian. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I just can’t do this anymore.”
He laughed. He actually laughed as he flicked the lamp back on. He was still laughing until he saw my face, and then he tensed, propping himself up on one arm with his eyebrows pitted.
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
I was up and out of bed before I could answer him. The room was a blur as I pulled some clothes on and took the overnight case down from the top of the wardrobe. I piled in the first couple of items hanging up, and he was up and out of bed right after me, following me around as I got my things together.
“Jesus Christ, Anna. What the fuck are you doing?!”
“I mean it,” I said. “I’m sorry, Seb, but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t do us anymore.”
And then he got it.
He forced my case from my hands and threw it on the floor, and his cheeks were red, his mouth a scowl, eyes glaring as he backed me up against the wall and told me I was fucking insane.