I want to hold Fallon and assure her everything will be okay, but how can I? Nothing will ever be okay again.
Nothing will change the fact that I almost killed her. She’s better off keeping her distance from me, and if I have to be an asshole to make her stay away, then so be it. I’d rather lose her love and respect than having to face a world she’s not in because I killed her.
Just thinking about the cuts on her face and neck and the surgery she’ll have to face makes it feel like my soul weighs a ton from the regret bearing down on me.
I wish I could go back and change things. I’d never ask Fallon out to dinner. I’d give up on my dream of being with her. Anything to ensure her safety.
But it’s too late.
Now, there’s nothing. Nothing but fucking darkness and emptiness.
“Baby?” I hear Mom, and when her hand brushes over my cheek, it makes everything worse instead of better.
Mom raised me to be a gentleman. To always protect the women in my life.
I failed to protect the most important one.
I hear the swishing of fabric. “I’ve brought you a couple of things.” She places something in my hand. “This is an iPad. I had the settings adjusted, so if you touch the screen, it will tell you where you’re at.” Mom moves my hand until my finger bumps against the screen.
‘Music. Double-tap to open,’ a voice sounds up.
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I know Mom means well, but this is just another reminder that I’m blind as fuck.
Even though my world has gone to shit, I still force a smile to my face and mutter, “Thanks, Mom.”
“Remember, the flap opens to the left. That way, you’ll know you have it the right side up.”
I nod and then hear the rustling of papers.
“I brought you snacks and placed them in the drawer,” Mom explains. “Think of it as a treasure hunt. They’re all your favorites, though.”
“Yeah? You’re not going to try and sneak in some veggies?” I tease her.
“Damn, I should’ve thought of that. I’ll sneak some in next time,” Mom chuckles.
When her hand closes over mine, I ask, “Aren’t you going to lay into me, as well?”
“No.” Her fingers squeeze mine. “Right now, I’m just going to love and support my son. We’ll deal with the transplant when you feel better.”
Silence fills the room, and my mother’s soothing presence wraps like a protective cloak around me.
“I hurt Fallon,” I murmur.
“It was an accident,” Mom replies, her tone soft.
“I could’ve killed her.”
“Baby,” Mom breathes. “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I should’ve protected her,” I argue.
“You did.” Mom’s hand brushes up and down my forearm, and when I shake my head, she continues, “You took the full brunt of the truck hitting your car to keep Fallon safe.”
“Not safe enough,” I grumble. “She’s scarred.”
“Her parents got the best plastic surgeon. I’m sure he’ll be able to remove all the scarring.”
Just thinking about Fallon going in for surgery makes what’s left of my heart shrivel until it feels like it will fade to nothing any second. I can’t bear the thought of her having to endure more pain.
I just shake my head, not wanting to talk about Fallon anymore. It’s too hard.
God, why did I ask her out for dinner? Why did this have to happen?
I shut my eyes against the hopelessness and despair.
Mom lets out a breath, and I can feel her searching for the right words to say.
“It’s okay, Mom,” I say to put her at ease. “I just need some time.”I can’t tell what the time is as I blink into the dark nothingness around me.
I hear Noah’s breaths, where he’s asleep on the couch in my hospital room.
I suck in a suffocating breath. This hell is killing me. All I can do is just fucking lie here while it feels like I’m wasting away.
I can’t change anything. I can’t go to Fallon. I can’t see.
I fucking… can’t.
Sitting up, I angrily shove the covers away from me. I throw my legs over the side of the bed and grip the mattress hard.
I hurt Fallon. She’s scarred because of me.
I fucking hate myself.
An enraged growl builds in my chest, and I push off the bed.
It feels like I’m going insane. The guilt keeps pounding relentlessly against my heart that already feels like nothing but a worthless piece of shit.
The ever-present darkness makes everything so much worse. There’s nothing to distract myself with. Only the endless night and the constant reminder of what I’ve done.
I can’t be with Fallon. I won’t be able to finish my studies. It’s like someone pressed delete on my life.
What am I going to do?
Fuck.
What’s left to live for?
Anger, frustration, and guilt swirl in me, not giving me a second’s reprieve.