“You aren’t far off, I’m sure. Anyway, what’s up?”
I hear her fiddling with stuff in the background and visualize her puttering around her bathroom, getting ready for work as well. She probably has her thick, black hair up rolled in a bun on the top of her head while she makes sure her makeup is two hundred percent perfect.
“Nothing much. Just getting ready for work. I feel like I’ve been off forever. Has the place gone up in flames since last week?” I ask, only half joking.
“Not really,” she giggles.
Oh shit.
“Lyn,” I warn. “What did he do now?” I probe, dreading her answer. The last time I took a week-long vacation, I came back to work to a nut house.
“Well, where do you want me to start? You should know by now that, just because he has calmed down some over the years, when he gets some wild hair, there is no stopping him.”
“Start from the beginning,” I spit out through my teeth.
Using my shoulder to hold the phone, I pull my black pants over my hips, step into my favorite four-inch, black-suede heels with the gold-studded bowtie adorning the top. They’re freaking fabulous, and with the “must wear at least one item that is gold” requirement at work, they work perfectly. Of course, my feet will be screaming before the day is over, but at least they’re going to be screaming while looking badass.
I’ve worked for Dilbert Harrison for the last two years. Dilbert Harrison also lovingly known as Uncle Sway. He’s the most over-the-top, not-a-care-in-the-world, fun-loving, and flamboyant man I know. I’ve heard stories about how, when we were younger, before he and his partner adopted their daughter Stella, he would prance around with a long, blond wig and heels taller than any of our mothers would brave wearing. Even Aunt Dee, who always has the coolest heels, wouldn’t even touch them.
But his fun-loving, not-a-care-in-the-world personality can also be a little larger than life at times. I mean, hello. Because of him, the whole sidewalk outside the salon and a few other local businesses, including Corps Security, is painted gold with flecks of glitter.
“Well, first he decided that we needed to touch up the flooring. Since we had to close down because the paint fumes were a little much for the clientele trying to relax the last time he touched it up, he was doing it in sections with a huge box fan bungee-corded to the rolling front desk chair. Then Samantha almost broke her neck when she tripped over the extension cord, so I talked him into waiting until we closed and stayed until four in the morning helping him touch up the damn floor. I told him he needed to consider having a laminate company custom make him some gold glittered flooring and maybe it wouldn’t need touching up. I believe he might be considering it.” She stops, and I hear her moving around her house.
“Is that it?” I ask, knowing that there is no way that’s all.
“Nope,” she states but doesn’t elaborate.
“Okay?”
“Then he decided we needed to have theme Fridays. Dani, theme fucking Fridays. You are going to shit yourself. This week, he wants a burlesque-type theme. He actually wants all of us girls, plus Jonathan—the new guy that started while you were out—to dress up in complete burlesque gear. If he could get away with it, I think he would even incorporate some sort of dance number into the end of every hour.”
“You’re joking?” Son of a bitch. I knew better than to leave Sway unattended for too long. I’ve always been able to keep a leash on his wilder-than-normal ideas.
“Not at all. He even mentioned something about a pole-dancing class to teach us how to move before we had a stripper-slash-Vegas-showgirl day. Dani, he mentioned headdresses. Head. Dresses!” she yells in my ear.
“I’ll talk to him when I get in. Maybe I can talk him out of this.”
“I wouldn’t put any money on it. He’s already taken an ad out in the local paper. He’s gone off the deep end ever since they wrapped filming of the reality show for last season and started their pre-filming for the next season. Sway All the Way is definitely making him battier than normal, and you know, once the show airs it’s only going to get worse.”
“God, Lyn. Can you freaking believe that is actually happening? I’m going to die when the first show airs.” I slap my palm against my forehead when I remember what happened during the first episode’s filming.
“Well, that’s your own fault for not rescheduling my brother’s haircut for a non-filming day,” she laughs.
“Jesus, he’s going to see it, isn’t he? Do you think we can break all the televisions he could possibly be around before it airs? Luckily, Daddy already said he wasn’t watching that ‘chick shit,’ so he will remain blissfully unaware.”
“You can only hope, Dani. I don’t know what the big deal is though. It isn’t that bad.”
“Uh. I basically have ‘I’m daydreaming about running my hands through your hair while you fuck me’ written all over my face and then I stupidly admitted my feelings to the producers during our camera interview!” I shriek.
“Ew. Don’t be so dramatic, loser. You didn’t look that obvious, and I’m sure they won’t even show that part of the interview. It was the first show. They have to . . . I don’t know . . . introduce the place and all that is Sway first. They wouldn’t start off with your crazy ass lusting after my brother.”
“You don’t know that,” I challenge.
“Yeah, and you don’t know they will do anything different. Calm your tits. Look, I have to go and finish up my makeup. I’ve got a wedding party of five coming in today, and if I want to grab up all those hopeful bridesmaids’ business, I have to look like hot shit so they know I’m capable when the time comes for them to not be the poorly dressed extras in the wedding. Marketing is such a bitch sometimes.”
She doesn’t even give me a chance to say bye. She just clicks off the phone. I can imagine she is going all out on her makeup—not that she needs it. Lyn is stunning. But she always gets a little eccentric when it comes to wedding makeup. She’s convinced that the bridesmaids are living in some jealous fog and, when they get makeup done by her, meet their Prince Charming, and then in turn have their wedding in the plans, they’re going to somehow remember the girl who made them stunning and created that snowball effect.
Yeah, Lyn is also the most confident person I’ve ever met, and she’s convinced she can do anything. Since she’s booked for more weddings of repeat bridesmaids, I have to kind of agree with her logic here.