“Is it that easy for you? Can you throw me away like yesterday’s garbage like that?” he yells .
“I… No! Carson, nothing about this is easy! I love you !”
“Then what the fuck are you thinking ?”
“I’m thinking of you! I’m trying to give you what you want.” The last part comes out of me on a whisper .
“I wish to hell you’d explain how you leaving me does that. You’re my fucking world .”
“You want a baby. You want a family. Heirs to leave this land to. You’ve said that for as long as I’ve known you!” I yell back, anger pulling me out of my misery as nothing else could .
“Do you not fucking listen when I talk, Jenny? Have you not heard me for the past year when I told you that you have given me the world? As long as I have you, I don’t need another goddamn thing. You’re it for me, Jenny. You always have been. I love you.” He says the last part with so much emotion I feel like crying .
“I love you too,” I cry. “I just want you to be happy .”
I would have thought I had no tears left, but I’m wrong, because now I’m sobbing my eyes out .
“ Jenny — ”
“I need you to be happy, Carson. That’s all I want,” I tell him in between tears and shuddering breaths .
This morning I was so happy… And now it feels like my world is ending .
“If I’m not with you I’m not happy,” he says and strokes my cheek. “If I don’t have you by my side there’s no reason to keep breathing .”
And I know he means that, because I feel the same way .
Chapter 19
Carson
“B aby girl, look at me,” I tell Jenny, my body shaking with fear .
I’m not afraid to admit it. The thought of Jenny leaving me scares the fuck out of me. She’s my world .
I put my hand under her chin, and apply pressure to get her to raise her head to look at me .
“Carson,” she whispers, her gorgeous eyes shining with tears .
“If I don’t have you, Jenny, nothing else means a goddamn thing,” I tell her softly .
“You want a baby…” she whispers .
“I want you , Jenny. If it ever came down to it and I had to choose you or this damn land, I’d choose you, every fucking time .”
“But …”
“I wanted a baby to tie you to me. A part of both of us that would always connect us, Jenny. I’m a selfish bastard and I wanted that so you would never think of leaving. And don’t get me wrong. Seeing a baby we created looking up at me, knowing we made that together, has pride filling me, has longing choking me. But, honey, you have to know that the only thing I need in this world to make me happy…is you. I love you,” I tell her, my voice thick .
“Carson, you’re crying,” she whispers, surprised. Her fingers come up and brush my face. She’s right. I am crying. Even thinking of a world without Jenny beside me… unmans me .
“Don’t leave me, Jenny. Don’t ever leave me .”
“Is that really what you thought? That a baby would tie me to you?” she asks with a deep breath, her thumb brushing my face .
“It would. You’d want your child to have both parents. You’d always — ”
Jenny brings her lips against mine so I stop talking. It’s more than effective and I kiss her back, my hands coming up on each side of her face, my lips plundering hers slowly but intensely, trying to show her without words how deeply I love her .
“Carson, you own my heart. You’re a part of me. I’d never leave,” she says when we break apart .
“Jenny, you just told me you wanted to separate,” I tell her, getting control of my emotions now that it’s becoming clear that Jenny still loves me .
“Only for you, Carson. So you could find someone who could give you a child,” she answers, looking downward and stumbling on the words .
“We’ll go to the doctor tomorrow and have her check us out,” I decide .
“ But — ”
“And I need you to ask yourself something, Jenny .”
“What’s that?” she answers, looking back to me in question .
“If I’m the reason we can’t have a child, would you leave me? Would you find another man who would give you what I can’t ?”
“What? Of course not. I don’t want anyone but you . I …”
“And that’s exactly how I feel about you, Jenny. You’re everything to me .”
“I was stupid,” she whispers, her face coloring, trying to avoid my gaze .
“You weren’t. You were hurting. But what you don’t understand is that when you hurt, I hurt. Whatever life throws at us, Jenny, we have to face it together .”