The question is the same.
He doesn’t take silence as an answer.
I shrug, a bolt of annoyance sparking through me.
“You don’t know? How can you not know?” Kit asks, his voice sounding playful.
With a heavy sigh, I hold up one finger, hoping he’ll leave me alone.
“First lunch? Me too!”
Mr. Halston turns, lifting a brow. “Talking is usually frowned upon during lectures.”
“Certainly today is an exception,” Kit chirps.
Several kids laugh and even Mr. Halston seems amused. He turns back to the board, doing absolutely nothing with this bright-ass, loud-ass boy who’s practically perched on my shoulder like a fucking cockatoo.
“Meet you by the lunchroom. We can eat together.”
“Can’t,” I grunt out. “I’m leaving.”
“Stay.” His fingers are firm as he grips my bicep and leans in. “Please stay.”JasperI lied.
I made a promise to the colorful boy with the big mouth and even bigger smile.
A promise I will not keep.
By the time he realizes I’ve stood him up for lunch, I’ll be gone. Forever gone. He’ll be on his own. A new kid in a new school, forced to eat lunch all by himself.
They’re going to make fun of him.
Why wouldn’t they?
He practically has a neon sign blinking above his head that says he’s innocent and unworldly and trusting. I can’t even begin to imagine how many terrible situations he’ll get himself lured into. All while wearing a fucking smile.
Anger bubbles up inside of me.
Why?
Why is he here?
Why now?
I’m not Julian. Julian would take him under his wing. Warn everyone off. Be the bigger guy. That was the kind of person Julian was. Every good trait he could absorb while in the womb, he absolutely did. I was left with the shit. But it never mattered because Julian was my other half and as long as he was here, I had all those good traits too, even if they only shone on me like rays from the sun.
Now that he’s gone, there’s nothing good left. He took it all with him. I’m not going to eat lunch with Kit Strong, the boy with a man purse. I’m having brunch with Lexapro. A thirty-course meal.
Guilt infects me one pinprick at a time.
Prick. Prick. Prick.
My resolve to rush out of class and finish what I set out to do has a million holes in it. It’s a sinking ship. All I can think about is the boy behind me who breathes a little loudly and fidgets too much. He’ll stand by the cafeteria doors smiling. Just smiling and smiling. And then I won’t show. I’ll make him frown. It’ll be me.
I finally pick up the enamel pin.
Stay positive.
It’s corny as fuck.
How can I stay positive when my world is one giant negative?
The pin mocks me. I flip the pin upside down, so the smile turns into a frown. Just like the one I’m wearing. I catch Mr. Halston’s curious stare on me as I inspect the pin. His smile is soft but probing. Like he sees inside me too.
I’m not that transparent.
I’m a hardened shell, hiding all the pain deep inside.
They can’t see it.
They. Can’t. See. It.
I curl my fingers around the pin, holding it in my fist. Dragging my stare from Mr. Halston, I eye the clock. Just a few more minutes. I can leave.
And then…
Fuck.
It’ll have to be tomorrow.
Today is not the day.
He asked me to stay.
I realize I’ll have to have lunch with this kid. I’m not an asshole, just sick with grief. The pills will be waiting for me tomorrow. Julian would approve of this minor delay. Help find the kid another equally unique kid to keep him company.
What’s one more day?
Mom did tell me she was making meatloaf. I love meatloaf. Julian hated it and Dad isn’t a huge fan, so I know it’s just for me. Imagining her eating the meatloaf all by herself is almost enough to bring tears to my eyes. I hope the twins will grow to love it.
A shower of relief rains down on me, loosening my muscles with each drop of realization. I’d been buzzing with the need to carry out my decision, but now I’m almost fatigued without having to carry the burden of it. My eyes droop and I slouch into my chair.
I’m tired.
So damn tired.
The bell rings and I’m not in a rush to get to the bathroom. Slowly, I stand and pocket the enamel pin. Since I didn’t take any notes and didn’t bring my backpack, I don’t need to grab anything.
“What’s your name?”
Kit’s voice stalls me from leaving. I turn to find him standing too close to my nearly six-foot frame. He stares up at me, unfazed by my standoffish personality. Eyes as green as an apple Jolly Rancher with dark splinters of deep blue.
“Jasper.”
“Casper?”
I clench my jaw, unsure if he’s messing with me or not. As soon as his strawberry-colored full lips twitch, I let out a groan. His lips continue their amused journey to split apart, curling into a pleased grin. A dent of a dimple forms at the same time a loud laugh barks out of him.