How did one find joy again after losing their soulmate? It had been easier when I lost him the first time because I knew he still lived. His light was still shinning and I could accept a life without him if he was alive. However, how did I go on with him gone from this world?
The pain that came with the setting of the sun, knowing he wasn’t coming back, was beyond any hurt that I had ever known. It was a despair so deep I didn’t want to find the light. I would sink into it until I was numb. It was the only way I knew I could survive.
Thirty-two
December 16, 2019
Boston, Massachusetts
Twenty-Four hours. It had been twenty-four hours since I’d been woken up to hear Chet tell me Creed had drowned. For those twenty-four hours, I had stayed strong. I had believed he would show up. That he would explain it all.
Now, I stood at the spot where they pulled his Jeep from the water as the icy wind dried my tears. He hadn’t called. His phone was found in the Jeep but still no word from him. He hadn’t checked into a hotel and his credit cards hadn’t been used. Every ounce of hope I had held onto so tightly seemed to wash away with the water in front of me.
My knees buckled and I welcomed the ground beneath me. How was I supposed to go on tomorrow and the next day? My heart had been shattered before, but it had never been taken from me. This was a level of pain I didn’t know existed. The hell that Albert had mentioned all made sense to me now.
“Sailor,” Chet’s voice called out to me, but I refused to look back at him. Every time he looked at me, I saw the truth. He had accepted Creed was gone. He had from the very beginning. I hated to see that in his eyes. He felt sorry for me. I could see that too.
“Sailor, you need to get inside and warm up. You are going to freeze out here,” he said as his boots stopped in front of me. I stared at those boots so different from Creed’s black ones. Creed wore black combat boots where Chet’s were a soft brown suede that reminded me of a med student or a minister.
“Don’t make me throw you over my shoulder. I can’t let you freeze to death. Please come with me,” Chet pleaded.
I lifted my head to look up at him. He was wearing a wool coat with a scarf wrapped around his neck. I wasn’t wearing anything more than the gray sweatshirt he had given me earlier today. The biting cold hurt and I embraced the pain. I welcomed it. I wanted to hurt physically because the pain inside my body was more than I could bare.
“He’s not coming back,” I said the words for the first time aloud.
The corners of Chet’s mouth turned down and he bent his knees until he was eye level with me. “I’m so sorry, Sailor.” His words were sincere, filled with a pain of his own.
“Me too,” I whispered then turned to look out at the water. I was sorry for so many things. The list of the things I was sorry for was so long I didn’t want to think about them all.
“Come with me,” he urged, holding out his hand. “We need to get you warm. Your lips are blue.”
I didn’t care about my lips. I didn’t care about warmth. Nothing mattered anymore. It never would again. The future I had planned was gone. I was to live a life with an empty void in my chest where my heart once was.
Chet took my hand and pulled me up then began walking me toward his car. He didn’t say anything more and I was thankful for that. I didn’t want to hear it. I just wanted to figure out a way to survive in this agony that was now my life.
When I was safely inside the car, I felt feeling slowly come back to my hands and feet as we drove away. Chet reached into the backseat and pulled a blanket toward me. “Here, you need this,” he said.
I took it and held it over me. The pain of the cold thawing left the horrible ache inside roaring all on its own. Living a life without Creed…I didn’t want to think about it.
“Griff is worried about you. He wanted to come get you, but I told him it was best if I did. Maybe you could talk to him about this. He will listen. You need to talk and let some of this pain free.”
I turned to look at Chet. He glanced at me then back to the road. He was a nice guy. I was glad Griff had him in his life. He, however, did not understand what I was experiencing. He meant well.