“He saved me,” I called out into the darkness. “I was a broken mess and Griff saved me,” I added, wishing I would shut up, but my mouth was taking over. Creed turned then and looked at me. I couldn’t see his face in the darkness but I knew he could see me from the porch light. “I loved you. I loved you so much it destroyed me. Losing you shut me down, my life no longer felt worth living. The darkness that surrounded me after what you did to me was so bad I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I found her too. I was there too! I loved her too.” I stopped then and choked back a sob. I was stronger now. I needed to say this. He needed to hear it. “Griff helped me heal.” I added loud enough for him to hear me. Griff had been there when no one else had and his light had been what gave me life again. I didn’t stand there and look out into the darkness toward him any longer. I’d said enough.
eighteen
November 13, 2019
My eyes flew open and for a moment I wasn’t sure what had woken me. It was still dark in my room. Then I heard the knocking. Sitting up in bed, I rubbed my eyes and waited to make sure I wasn’t still dreaming when the knocking came again. Tossing back the covers, I shivered and grabbed my throw to wrap around me then slipped on my faux fur-lined shoes before heading downstairs.
More knocking came and I realized it was my back door. I glanced at the time on the microwave before I turned to go into the living room. It was 2:36 AM. The knocking started again and I went to the door, not sure I should open it without being able to see who was out there. I stopped at the closed locked door.
“Who is it?” I asked.
“Me,” Creed replied.
In that moment, I had a choice. Open the door or tell him to go home. Creed was my friend but tonight we’d both said things I wasn’t sure I wanted to face yet. I still needed sleep and time to think about what he’d said and what I’d admitted to him.
“Sailor, please,” he pleaded and I didn’t weigh my options any longer. I might regret it, but I wasn’t going to be able to send him away.
My hand closed over the cold brass knob and I took a deep breath before turning it. We hadn’t finished our conversation tonight and he wanted to now. I had been sleeping but I hadn’t gone to sleep easily. I’d tossed and turned for over an hour before exhaustion finally won out. Maybe he needed to say something so he could get some sleep.
I unlatched the screen door as my eyes locked on Creed. His hair was tousled as if he’d ran his hands through it several times and he was still wearing the clothes he’d had on earlier. A pair of faded jeans and a navy sweater. He stood there a moment in the freezing temperature and I pulled my throw tighter around me as I stepped back for him to enter.
Creed looked at me then at the door, as if he wasn’t sure he was going to come inside. I was about to tell him to make up his mind because it was too cold for this when he moved to walk into the house. I quickly closed the screen and then the door behind him but didn’t turn around to face him. I needed a moment to prepare to deal with whatever he needed to say. Perhaps if we had been able to talk six years ago, instead of him shutting me out, I wouldn’t be so wounded still today.
His hand touched mine and I shivered but I wasn’t sure if it was from his nearness or the fact his hand was still cold from being outside. I stayed still, not turning to look at him, and he laced his fingers through mine. I inhaled sharply. It was just our hands but it felt like much more. The air around us seemed to heat and I was struggling to breathe properly.
He tugged me to him and my back pressed against his chest. My breaths were becoming fast and shallow. I needed to pull myself away from him but I didn’t. We stood there in the darkness of the living room. I waited for him to say something or for me to get the will to walk away and put some distance between us.
Neither of those things happened and when I felt the warmth of his breath on the curve of my neck, just before his lips touched my skin, I didn’t care anymore about words. We’d said too much already. There were no words that could fix the past.