I paused on the porch. I’d never cried over someone’s death as an adult, never mourned someone but to this day my chest ached when I remembered the summer my loyal friends died. The memory of that day crashed down on me as it did often on days of inner turmoil.
Bandit and Coco were thirteen years old. When I returned home from work, I found them in the yard in their favorite spot close to a maple tree. Cara grabbed my arm, Maximus asleep in the baby sling against her chest. “I don’t think it’s going to be long now.” Tears brimmed in her eyes.
I followed her gaze toward my furry friends who had both lifted their heads and were wagging their tails. Bandit had been diagnosed with cancer a couple of months ago. We’d done everything we could. Now we made sure he wasn’t in pain.
I nodded, swallowing past the lump in my throat. “I’ll stay with them. I won’t leave their side until—” I couldn’t say it. I didn’t have to.
I strolled toward them and sank down beside them, patting their old bodies. Bandit met my gaze and deep down I knew Cara was right. It was only a matter of hours, maybe less. Bandit had waited for me to return home. I lay down on the warm lawn, my arm wrapped around Bandit and Coco, who hadn’t moved from his side in days.
The sun soon set and the temperature began to cool, but I didn’t stir. My own needs seemed irrelevant as I stroked Bandit’s side. Cara had only briefly come over to give him a big piece of sausage with pain meds.
Soon I felt Bandit’s breathing slow, the fall and rise of his chest under my palm almost unnoticeable now. Coco snuggled even closer to him and then his breathing stopped. I kept stroking his chest, even though it had stilled. Coco let out a low whine. I stroked her ears and neck, trying to comfort her.
Wetness hit my cheek and I looked up, expecting rain until I realized I was crying. Neither Coco nor I moved from Bandit’s side until sunrise. Then I began digging a hole and buried my friend. Coco curled up on the grave and I stayed at her side, stroking her soft fur.
I reduced my workload drastically in the following days and Cara stayed with Coco whenever I couldn’t, but like Bandit, Coco waited until I was home before she too fell asleep forever in my arms on Bandit’s grave. I buried her beside him, so they’d forever be at each other’s side.
Taking a deep breath and dragging myself out of the past, I followed the joyful screams of the boys into the yard. The sight before me quieted the violent vibes in my body. Cara sat on the lawn with our dogs, and our boys played with each other.
They looked carefree and happy, something I’d never experienced as a child. Maybe that was why it had taken some convincing on Cara’s part before I could see that Maximus and Primo looked like me. They had my eyes and sharp features, but Cara’s hair color. My face as a boy had never been filled with so much joy, so recognizing my facial features in them took imagination.
Maximus and Primo spotted me at the same time, and before Cara who was petting Buddy and Daisy.
I opened my arms and squatted. Seconds later both boys flew into my arms, almost causing me to fall back. They were growing so fast. I stood, lifting them up.
Cara glanced over her shoulder and smiled. I walked over to her. Buddy and Daisy wagged their tails excitedly. Cara stood and pressed a kiss to my lips, searching my eyes. The darkness in them wouldn’t completely be gone yet. It took a while, especially after particularly brutal days like today. “Why don’t you play with the boys for a bit? Then I can finish my workout.”
I nodded, grateful that she knew I needed to take my mind off things and didn’t want to talk. With another smile, Cara turned and headed back to the patio with the dogs at her heels. She was dressed in only tight workout shorts and a tank, looking ready to be devoured.
“Carousel!” Maximus exclaimed, drawing my attention back to my boys.
I set Primo down despite his protest, grabbed Maximus’ hands and started spinning. Afterward, it was Primo’s turn. I kept playing carousel until I was dizzy and had to lie down, which the boys used to climb on top of me and try to tackle me.
Cara watched us for a long time until she finally went inside, probably to have a post-workout snack and take a shower.
Primo yawned and Maximus, too, looked tired. “Time for your afternoon nap.”
“No!” both cried but I picked them up and carried them inside. Soon they quieted.