Xavier breaks my thoughts with, “He’s different with you.”
“I know.” My response is neither triumph nor gloating. My response is humbled and humbling.
His fingers play with mine. “I spent days wondering why. I mean, you weren’t doing anything I wasn’t. It took me a while to realise that even though we were essentially treating him the same, your delivery was a lot smoother than mine.” His eyes dart sheepishly to mine. “Tomas doesn’t respond well to anger.”
No. He doesn’t.
As we continue to stay in close proximity, touching, connecting, I chance a question I have no right to ask. “Why did you do it?”
His expression turns confused. “Do what?”
I speak softly, as if to soften the blow of my intrusive question, “Why did you do whatever is it you did to end up in prison when he needed you?”
His body stiffens.
I step closer to him, placing a gentle placating hand on his stomach. “I know I have no right to ask and I won’t judge you by your answer, I’m just trying to understand. Friends do that kind of thing.”
He looks at his brother. His eyes lose focus on everything else in the room. Tomas is his centre. But his answer is gut-wrenching. He whispers in agonising softness, “I did it to get away from him.”
Chapter Sixteen
“There’s something inside of me. Something bad. I fight it every damn day, Cat.” His hand grips mine tightly, tight enough to hurt; although, he doesn’t realise he does it. “I was mourning. We were mourning. But he needed me. And not just here or there, but all the fuckin’ time. It was like I wasn’t allowed to be sad or mad because Tomas needed me. Everything was Tomas this and Tomas that. I was everything he needed me to be. And I hated him for it.” He turns to me, eyes void. “I resented him for being the way he is.” His eyes close and he shuts them tightly as he whispers, “That night before I left him alone in the house, I called him a fucking retard, Cat.”
Part of me wants to punch him. The other part wants to hold him. “You didn’t mean it.”
He opens his eyes and stares into me. “I did. I meant it. I said it to hurt him but I meant it.”
Silence overtakes me. I’m not sure how I feel about this confession.
He nods slowly, averting his eyes. “I know. Fucked, right? He’s my brother. I’m meant to protect him from all those assholes out there, and there I was calling him a name I wouldn’t call my worst enemy. And he knew. I saw the way he stopped rocking. I knew he knew what I’d said. He turned and walked away. And I taunted him. I told him I wished he’d never been born.”
I pull my fingers from his and lean away.
He looks up at me and we both feel it.
Something has changed. Xavier is no longer the man needing a friend while he experiences a hard time in his life. He is no longer the trembling mess that arrived on our doorstep needing help.
I see something more. My brows bunch. He was right. There is something dark inside of him. Something that wants to come out to play. I see that cold darkness in myself. Perhaps that’s why we have bonded so much in this short time. Maybe, for once, we need to be held. I crave affection as much as the next person, maybe more. I think Xavier does too. There is more to us than meets the eye.
I step away. “If you need anything…” I trail off and walk away.
If I don’t walk away now, I’ll beg them to stay.
***
I drag myself into the kitchen, still sore about Tomas and Xavier leaving us. As soon as I enter, I want to turn around and leave.
Alas. I’ve been spotted.
Michelle jumps to her feet from the small kitchen table. “Hey, Cat!”
She rushes over to me and wraps me up in a tight hug. After the day I’ve had, I take in her warmth. Without a second thought, I put an arm around her and squeeze. “Hi, Michelle, how are you?”
She releases me with a huge smile and I turn to Clark, who sits at the table eating his lunch. The relationship between Clark and me has been strained ever since the day he pulled up my garden. I mutter weakly, “Hey, Clark.”
I’m not sure whether he’s still angry at me about Marco or he’s embarrassed about his reaction, but he doesn’t respond, just jerks his chin in greeting. And it stings.
I didn’t do anything wrong!
Keep telling yourself that.
Michelle quickly moves behind the counter. “Sit your buns down, girl. I’ll make you some lunch.” She starts pulling out bread and sandwich meat and just as I begin to protest, she places her hands up and orders firmly, “I said sit!”
I blink. For a little thing, she can deliver an order.
Knowing arguing is futile, I move to the table and take a seat next to Clark. He swallows, and then leans over to me. “It’s okay. We’ll be out of your way as soon as I eat.”
I frown and answer just loud enough for him to hear. “Don’t leave on my account. I’ll go eat in my room.”
He looks down at the table. “I— I just don’t want you feeling uncomfortable is all. I know I fucked up.”
My face softens and I whisper, “We all have bad days and yes, your bad day was pretty epic, but I told you already, it’s done and dusted. We’re good.” He looks up at me, shame in his eyes. I place a hand on his knee and look him in the eye. “We’re good. I promise. There’s no reason we can’t all be friends.”
He nods once, as if reassuring himself. “Well, if you’re sure.”
I sit back as Michelle darts out from behind the counter and places a plate in front of me. I blink down at it and mutter, “Wow.” There’s a sandwich, potato chips and fresh fruit in a little bowl all on the same plate. “This looks great. Thank you, Michelle. I’m suddenly starved.”
She shrugs and blushes, “It’s all part of working in a café, I suppose. I’m used to it.”
I bite into my sandwich and moan. I could not have made this for myself. I garble, “Oh, man. This is good.”
She winks before picking up her own sandwich. “It’s the dressing. My own recipe.”
I moan throughout my entire meal. This is quite possibly the best lunch I’ve had in… well… forever.
Michelle asks, “So the guests are gone?”
I nod and respond sullenly, “Yeah.”
Clark watches me closely. “You sad to see him go?”
Him. I don’t know which him he’s referring to so I shrug and reply, “I’m sad to see them go.” I place emphasis on them.
Clark looks over at Michelle then back to me. “Well, if you ever want to go visit them, Michelle works just a minute walk away from their house. When I go to see her next, you should tag along.”
The offer has me stunned, near speechless. “Really?” He smiles and I ask, “Is tomorrow too early to visit?”
Michelle laughs closely followed by Clark’s chuckle. “Nope. Tomorrow is totally doable.”
And just like that, my bad mood crumbles.
Chapter Seventeen
I woke with a spring in my step. Knowing I was going to be seeing Xavier and Tomas was all I needed to get my groove back. I tried to call Frankie not long after I had breakfast but her phone went to voicemail. I left her a short message, but it was one I knew she’d smile listening to. “Did you know that it’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open? No, really. Try it. I dare you.”
I hung up knowing that stupid message would make her day. I only wished she would call me back.
Ari and I have a job scheduled in for later tonight. A job that requires two people. Meaning two targets. I make a note to get the file details after my lunchtime visit.
My garden calls my name. It has been sorely neglected over the past two weeks. I hate to admit this, but as soon as it had been tainted by Clark’s hate attack, I’ve not felt the same about it. It used to be a beautiful, bountiful place where I could gather strength through solitude. Now all I see are dying plants and a weak attempt at life.
My haven has been desecrated.
But I work
it anyway. If I put enough care into it, it’ll soon be the lush, green place I remember it to be. I know I need to tell Bob about my lunchtime visit but I’m worried. What if he tells me to keep my distance?
I’m not sure I’d obey.
My hand curls into a loose fist and knocks on the office door.
“Come in.”
I open the door a crack and poke my head in. “Got a minute?”
He waves me in. “Problem?”
Pursing my lips, I stroll on in, shaking my head. “Problem? No. No problem.”
His eyes narrow. “What do you want?”
“I was just going to tell you that I was going out with Clark for lunch today.”
Nonchalance. Level: Expert.
His eyes narrow to slits. “Where will you be dining?”
Uh oh. He’s onto me. “Well, Clark was going to have lunch with Michelle and I thought it would be nice to visit Tomas.”
“And Xavier.”
I nod. “Yes. And Xavier. Xavier will be there too.”
He sighs, “Cat…” But I’m ready for him.
I sigh right back, “Bob. It’s just a visit. An hour tops. They need a friend. You know they do.”
He internally debates with himself before giving in. “Okay. But if I see this interfering with your work, it’s over.”
Excitement rushes through me. “It won’t. I promise!”
As I all but skip out the door, Bob calls out, “Take your cell phone.”
I shout back, “I will!”