Alejandra seemed lost for words, and then she turned to me, probably trying to gauge how to answer that. When she saw she wasn’t about to get any help from me, she looked down at the table, running her fingers gently along the grain of the polished wood. A sad smile crossed her face as she told my sister quite honestly, “I am the badness your brother is involved in.”
Graceful, even in certain death.
Tonya blinked at her, brow low in puzzlement, before letting out a long sigh. She shook her head slowly and chuckled. “Well, that’s a relief.”
My sister was not what one would call subtle. “Tonya…”
Her eyes wide, she said, “What?” She looked at Alejandra, and stated, “She’s not that bad. I have to admit, I expected worse. I mean,” she snuffled, amused, “what could she have possibly done, Jay?”
I let out a humorless laugh before straightening and glaring at my sister. “You have no idea.”
Tonya looked to a pale Alejandra, reached over and patted her hand kindly. “Don’t you worry now. Jay will help you get out of trouble.” My sister looked up at me without a shadow of a doubt, in complete confidence, as if I hung the stars at night. “Won’t you, Jay?”
Alejandra smiled at my sister, grasping her fingers like a lifeline. But her smile wobbled, and when she spoke, her voice shook. “I don’t know if he can help me. I really messed up. My own family has written me off.”
Tonya responded confidently, “He will help you. It’s what he does.”
Alejandra let out a short bark of laughter, and I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking how wrong my sister was, but she declined the opportunity to correct her. And I was grudgingly grateful for it.
I shouldn’t have gone there, but I can’t help myself. I silently wonder what it would be like had I brought Alejandra to meet my sister under different circumstances. I would seat her by my side, where a woman like Alejandra belonged, and be proud to show her off. Rest my arm on the back of her chair in a display of ownership and hold her close every possible moment. Every motherfucker would know she was mine and I’d treat her like the queen she was.
The unexpected vision leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.
Regardless of how much I denied it to myself, I wanted Alejandra, and not just to warm my bed. I wanted her for my own. She had a light in her eyes that called to the darkness in mine, her very presence calming. She got me, got this life, understood the way things were. It was tough for a person to be as gracious and kept together when you and yours lived off spilled blood, but Alejandra did it with ease.
I wanted her.
I wanted her so bad I ached inside.
But it was a moot point. I’d never have her, and it damn near killed me inside.
Under different circumstances.
Now, as we drive along the highway with the radio barely audible, I keep my eyes on the road, but can’t stop myself from asking, “Why didn’t you call me out?”
She glances at me from the passenger side before turning back to the window and grumbling, “What good would it have done? It’s clear your sister loves you.” She sighs softly. “I’m not about to make your life shitty just because mine is.”
“You don’t have to be afraid of me, Ana. I don’t have a hidden agenda. You don’t have to watch your back.” Her sad eyes come to rest on me, unblinking. I hold her stare a moment before turning back to the road. “I’ll stab you in the front.”
An amused scoff. “Well, that’s a relief.”
This entire situation tires me out, mentally and physically. She doesn’t understand that I am at war with myself. My rough statement comes out quiet and weary, “It fucking should be, you ungrateful bitch.”
I feel her still, likely surprised by the foul and unexpected statement, my offending words hanging in the air like a bad smell.
Has she any idea what keeping her alive would cost me?
My job. My allies. My fucking life.
It means nothing to her.
Her muteness begins to get to me. “You hungry?”
“Uh, yes. Yes, I am,” she responds carefully, quietly, as if I would be cruel enough to deny her food. And it suddenly makes me realize that her careful responses and reaction are likely because someone had been that cruel to her. But who?
“Are burgers okay?”
Blinking in thought, she nods. “Sure. I mean, I’ve never had one before, but food is food.”
I do a double take, grateful that what I said in anger hasn’t affected her too much. “You’ve never eaten a burger before?” Lips pursed, she shakes her head, and I see nothing but raw honesty in her eyes. “How is that even possible?”
A small smile plays at her lips, and she rolls her eyes at the question. “I’ve led a very sheltered upbringing, Julius. Went to a very strict, very catholic all-girls school. My sisters and I weren’t allowed friends. All we had was each other. We only ate at home or at high-end restaurants. Junk food wasn’t allowed, although Veronica and I managed to bribe one of my father’s men to get us a pizza one time. Interaction with boys was a definite no. I’d never even seen the male anatomy up close until my wedding night. My life was… is…” She pauses and frowns at the loss of words, before whispering, “I would change a lot about my life.”
Bitterness seeps out of those words, and I want to know more about her, but I shouldn’t. It’s a catch-22. Get to know more about her, risk becoming attached to the little woman. Don’t ask the questions I feel I need to ask, hand her over not knowing things I should’ve known.
Alejandra is hiding something, and I plan to find out what. I will need to push, I will need to poke, prod, and chip away piece by piece to reveal what’s on the inside, and by the end of it all, she won’t like me very much, but that’s life.
Suddenly, she’s irritated. “Why are you being nice to me? This would be so much easier if you’d just yell at me and slap me around.”
“You want me to slap you around?” I ask in mild disbelief.
“Well, no,” she admits. “But it would make things simpler. I would know how to feel if you did. I can deal with hatred. I don’t know what to do with indifference.” She peeks over at me quickly before looking back out the window. “Or maybe that’s your plan. Maybe you want me confused.”
I shake my head. “Nope. No plan. Regardless of how I treat you, you’re still my prisoner.”
“Oh, Julius.” She breathes in deeply then responds tiredly on an exhale, “A prisoner is no longer such if she wants to remain jailed.”
Damn, she’s good. But I refuse to bite.
With that bold statement, we drive on, and thick silence replaces heavy conversation.
Firstly, burgers are delicious. Julius ordered us both chocolate shakes to go with it and I have to admit, I was a little appalled.
It did not sound appetizing in the least. But then our meals arrived. One bite of that juicy, tender meat in a bun and I was in heaven. I didn’t think too much about my company, o
nly how much food I could get into my mouth at once. Chewing with gusto, a pleasure overload flowed from my toes all the way up to the very hairs on my head.
Then I spotted Julius smirking at me, an almost affectionate, teasing lilt to his voice when he stated, “You eat like a pig.” For all that dreadful statement said, he looked awfully pleased by the knowledge.
Mouth full, I glared at him, jerking my chin to the ketchup dribbling down his chin, and garbled, “Like you can talk, asshole.”
His smile stretched wider, and I reached across the table for my shake, taking a sip just as a hiccup threatened to rise and, oh, my God… heaven itself could not have formed a better pairing than burgers and shakes.
It was official.
If I lived this out, I was going to get happily fat.
A moan escaped me, and in all the excitement, I bounced my heels on the floor in wordless pleasure, gripping my burger tight in both hands, my eyes closed as I tried to process how amazing it was and how I had been missing out. And Julius’s eyes crinkled at the corners as he continued to eat quietly, watching me.
It would be the first of many days where I would question my entire being. Had I lived a day in my life, or had I merely existed? I didn’t know much about the world, but I knew a whole lot about the underground. Things most women would swoon dead away from, I would barely flinch at. I was an old soul trapped in the body of a twenty-four-year-old, and here… now… Julius had given me something I would cherish for always.
He had given me a taste of normal.
He had lent me his sister for the morning, showing me how regular siblings should interact. He had given me burgers, and although I would never admit to it, I would’ve given anything to Julius then, had he only asked.
It felt appropriate that I should express my gratitude. Taking another big bite of my burger, I murmured, “So… thanks.”