“Yeah, that would be great,” she murmurs, then lets me slide out from underneath her.
It’s a quick trip to the kitchen and back with two ice-cold bottles of water, but when I return, Ella’s sitting against the headboard with the sheets pulled all the way over her breasts, her arms pinned down at the side to hold them there.
It’s a definite sign that post-sex cuddling is done, and I can’t say I’m surprised. While Ella is never shy about her body, I figure the move is calculated to make a statement.
And I’m okay with that. To put us on even footing, I set the bottles on the bedside table and bend over to grab my boxer briefs from the floor. After I pull them on, I sit on the side of the bed, angling toward her to hand her some water.
She uncaps it, takes a few long slugs, and then glances over. “You can’t stay the night.”
“Wasn’t going to ask to,” I say, challenge in my voice. “I was hoping to fuck you again before I left, though.”
Ella’s lips curl up, and the tension in her shoulders eases off. She gives me a sheepish look. “It’s just… I told you I want to take all of this slowly, and while what we just did was amazing and I want to do it again and again, I don’t want any mixed signals either.”
I nod in understanding. “We’re still separated. This is your house, and I have mine. Sleeping over would imply we’re moving too fast in a direction you’re not sure about.”
She winces but nods. “Am I being a bitch?”
I reach out, then take her hand. “You’re being cautious because you’ve been hurt. I get it, and I respect it. Doesn’t mean I like it, but I don’t have to. You put up with so much about me you didn’t like, so I figure you’re due. But just as long as you continue to let me see you—and I’m not just talking about sex—but that you continue to give me a shot at proving to you that I’m changing. For you. To be the type of man you want and need.”
Her expression softens, eyes filling with gratitude. “Thank you for understanding. And for making it easy on me with no guilt.”
“Won’t do that to you, Ella,” I assure her. “I want this to work more than I want anything else in my life. So I’ll do whatever you want me to.”
“I can’t afford to fall back into something that’s not going to last,” she murmurs, gaze dropping down to our hands. “Maybe us being intimate isn’t the greatest idea because it could be confusing.”
“And now I’m going to have to disagree with you,” I exclaim, dropping her hand and leaning across the bed to put my head on her lap. I look up at her, and it touches me to my soul when she smiles, threading her fingers through the hair on top of my head. “Not about to give the sex up. Yes, it could be confusing, but damn it… you and I are like magic in bed and with all the unknowns and pressures we are facing, we both need something good, positive, and hopeful.”
Ella considers that before giving me a sly smile. “We could just proceed with the divorce and be friends with benefits.”
“You’re not only sexy but funny.” I laugh.
She joins me, but then sobers again. “It’s just… you are coming at me so fast, Jim. It’s all so sudden, and I’m overwhelmed by your words, your promises, and your actions, and then add onto that what we just did and how right it felt. Everything in me is screaming let’s just fall back into it all the way, but there’s a tiny part of my heart that’s holding out. There’s a part of me that just thinks you’re a little lonely, and this is the answer to it.”
“Not true—”
Ella holds up her hand. “Maybe not true, but it’s my fear. I’m scared if I let you back in all the way because this is perfect and exactly what I want, that things will go right back to the way they were. I don’t think I can survive that type of heartbreak again, Jim. You don’t know how much it killed me to ask you to leave… to take that step in ending our marriage.”
I go up to one elbow so I can get closer to her face, and her hand falls from my hair. “I can’t even imagine how hard it was for you, Ella. I know it was not a decision you made lightly, nor on a whim. I only wish I had fought you on it then… had fought for you then. There was a time I just thought the marriage was over, and I was going to let you go. But I’m not going to do that now. If it takes you weeks, months, hell, Ella… if it takes you years to fully trust my devotion to you, I’m in this for however long it takes.”