He simply didn’t care anymore.
It took years for me to realize that. I valiantly tried to reconnect with the now-sober man, refusing to be bitter I had only ever had the drunk. Refusing to cry over the fact he wouldn’t share anything, no matter how small, with his only son whom he’d left behind.
After I graduated high school, but before entering college, I’d packed all these books away and never looked at them again. Once, I’d even considered burning the damn things, but I decided to keep them as a reminder that not all parents are good and loving.
I wonder what Clarke’s parents are like. Did they raise her in a way to make her close herself off from men after one bad decision? Not to downplay what that douche did to her, because that was some traumatizing shit. But did her environment make her inherently closed off, thus making my job harder?
And what, exactly, is my job? I mean, what in the hell am I doing with her? Flirting with her, being romantic, flattering her?
Taking her out to dinner? Giving her pecks on the cheek?
That’s not me.
Or, at least, it didn’t use to be.
The one thing I’ll admit is she has opened something up within me. For the first time, I’m interested in a woman for more than just sex. Don’t get me wrong… I very much want to have sex with Clarke. Don’t think I won’t work hard for it, too, probably starting tonight.
But I’m also cool with sticking to the long game for now because she’s just that intriguing.
And while her story about what happened on that reality TV show should probably have any sane guy running in the opposite direction, it makes her even more fascinating.
Just as I wonder about Clarke’s family and how much of that experience weighs on who she is today, I have to wonder about my own background. Drunk father who didn’t give a damn about his wife or son, so much so he happily started a brand-new life without us. Apathetic mother—also a drunk—who didn’t care enough to fight for her husband or console her son when his dad left. It left me to raise myself pretty much on my own.
It meant I had to figure out what love meant, along with the boundaries between right and wrong, on my own.
I know it’s definitely had to have some effect on my desire—or, let’s be honest, lack thereof—to form attachments.
Mostly, I wonder if any of that’s going to come back to haunt Clarke at some point. Am I destined to end up hurting her because I don’t have much inside of me to give a woman like her?
I guess only time will tell.CHAPTER 10ClarkeMy phone rings, causing me to jerk. My finger touches the edge of the curling wand I’m holding in my hair, and I swear I hear my skin sizzle.
“Shit,” I exclaim, pulling the wand from my hair and setting it on my bathroom counter. My middle knuckle on my left hand has a small, red welt.
My phone continues to ring, and I look down to see it’s Veronica. I tap the screen to connect the call, then immediately set it to speakerphone. “I really don’t have time to talk,” I drawl, picking up the wand and wrapping another long lock around it.
“You sound panicked,” she replies with a chuckle. “Relax… it’s just dinner.”
Oh, it’s so much more than that. I’m going out with a man who knows the truth about my entire sordid, humiliating past, and he doesn’t seem to care about it.
I deflect, though, because I don’t feel like getting into it with my bestie just now. Instead, I ask, “How are things on your end?”
“It’s going fine,” she replies. “Going to be turning the ship over to Nina any moment now.”
Veronica covered the store for me this afternoon, after insisting I should go get a mani and pedi before my date. She’d also said, “And when you shower, make sure you shave. Everywhere.”
I blew her off. “I am not having sex with him tonight,” I’d said with a staunch lift of my chin.
And just to drive home my resolve, I refused to even shave my legs just a bit ago when I showered. I’m wearing a jumpsuit with flowing pants so I can get away with the stubble. It will ensure my clothes stay on all evening, even if Aaron tries to persuade me otherwise.
I’m sure he will. I mean, while he’s been a complete gentleman since I’ve met him, I know tonight is different. He got me to willingly go on a date with him, which puts us in different territory.
It’s not as if I’m opposed to sex. I’ve had a lot of it over the last few years, and I’ve enjoyed it. My first experience with Tripp Horschen was a disaster, but contrary to what he told the world in his drunken rant on video, it was mostly due to his own inadequacies. Simply put, he doesn’t care if a woman experiences pleasure. He’s a fumbling oaf who’s only interested in getting himself off. I’m sure anyone can imagine what a horrid experience that would be for a virgin.