My expression turns sympathetic, and I give him an affirming nod, silently motioning for him to continue.
“And when I could be sitting beside his bed, soaking up those last minutes, I’m instead sitting here in a restaurant with a woman I love. And I’m too afraid to tell her that because it’s against the fucking rules.”
My chin jerks inward, and I straighten in my seat. When had his tone gone from bereaved to bitter?
Rafe pushes his plate aside and scoots his chair in closer to the table, which enables him to lean closer to me. “That’s right. I love you, Calliope, and the mere fact that it’s terrifying to admit that to you is fucked up beyond all measure. I remember the first time I told you. I was pushing you on the tire swing over at Kent Mitchell’s house during one of his summer parties. I told you when your back was to me. I pushed you hard, you went flying away from me, and I let those words fly right along with you. The look you gave me over your shoulder as you came back was utterly stunned and joyous all at the same time. It was the look I expected because I knew it was the right time to tell you, and I knew you felt the same exact way about me.”
I’m speechless, first and foremost by the memory he just painted so prettily. I remember that day as clearly as if it had happened yesterday, It was truly one of the best moments of my life.
“I love you,” he says again, this time with his eyes laser-locked onto me. There’s no way I can ever doubt how much he means it. “I’ve always loved you. Never stopped. All these years, it’s only ever been you I loved. And I was recently told I shouldn’t hold things like this back because one never knows how short on time you are. I don’t want to go another minute without you knowing that you’re the only woman I’ll ever love, and this friends with benefits thing you cooked up is horseshit. I think you know that, too, Calliope.”
My head moves left to right, then back and forth again, a silent denial of what he just said. “Rafe...”
He holds up his hand, indicating that he doesn’t want to hear whatever I’m about to say based on the tone I just used while saying his name. “Calliope...if what you’re about to say to me is anything other than that you love me in return, I honestly don’t want to hear it. Because if you say anything other than that right now, it’s only because you’re too scared to do it, and I don’t have time in my life right now to deal with those fears. I’ve got a lot more pressing shit on my plate.”
A surge of anger courses through me that he’d actually refuse to listen to my thoughts, as scattered and incoherent as they would probably be because he has me so flustered.
But one thing is clear, and it’s not fair that I’m being silenced. “I have a right to be wary, Rafe. Yes, we may have blurred some friendship lines, and things are totally complicated right now, but I have a right to feel this way.”
“No,” he says with an adamant shake of his head. “You don’t.”
I blink at him, totally shocked speechless.
He points his finger at me. “You did have the right to feel that way. For sure. You had the right to carry around anger and hurt feelings. I did you wrong, and I deserved your enmity. But not anymore. I told you why I did what I did. It was foolish and wrong and completely moronic. But I apologized for it. From the bottom of my heart. And no matter what you say, I know you’ve forgiven me. If you hadn’t, there’s no way you would have let me into your body. So now, we’re in a position where you’re just stuck, afraid to go forward, and clinging on to a past that’s no more. It’s a bad merry-go-round ride, and I’m getting off.”
Once again, my chin pulls in, disbelief that this has all turned so sideways swamping me. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I don’t want to be friends with benefits anymore. I want a real, intimate relationship full of love and partnership with you. Hell, I almost believe my dad got sick as fate’s way of getting you and me back together. And I’m saying I’ll wait for you to realize this is meant to be. So when you’re ready to move forward, I’ll be here. But don’t expect me to go backward to this farce of a situation where we fuck and pretend to be friends. That’s not working for me anymore.”