First… how do I even take what I heard between Dax and Willow this morning? I heard probably less than fifteen seconds of a conversation, but I was making my own conclusions. I’m just not sure which are the correct ones. Was he making a plea for help, venting normal frustrations, or does he have a desire to cut me loose?
And let’s say he’s merely frustrated… I should probably go ahead and break things off with him. Make things easier on him. I don’t ever want him to be unhappy because of me.
Things just got too complicated once we introduced intimacy into our relationship. It brought a whole new level of care that made it inherently more difficult for him to deal with my issues.
But how would I even break things off with him?
I could move back to California. Put distance between us. But I just started a new job. It would be highly unprofessional to quit before I even really got going. Besides, I can’t afford to move.
Could I even think about staying here? I could move back into the guest room. Would Dax even go for that? Would he be grateful for the suggestion?
I’m not sure how I could continue to live in the same house with him, knowing what I had and watching him go back to his normal life without me. Sure, we would maintain our friendship. It’s lifelong. That’s a given. But it would be torture to stay here and watch him move on without me. Given my money situation, though, that’s the most reasonable thing for me to do. I can’t afford to do anything but stay.
The thought crosses my mind to ask Dax for a loan. Enough to get me back to California and help me get back on my feet. We could stay married, so I could keep the health insurance until I didn’t need it. That would definitely work, but the thought of it is frightening. I have come to depend heavily on Dax just for moral support. Just having a “family” member who I can talk to has become a lifesaver in and of itself.
This is how my thoughts have been all day. I keep coming back to one thing, though. It’s clear I should break things off. The thought of Dax being in any way, shape, or form unhappy kills me. The easy thing would be to stay here but if I really buckle down, I can talk myself into leaving. I lived far apart from Lance for years, and even a year on my own after I got sick. I don’t want to, but I can do it on my own.
The real question is how will Dax react to whatever I decide to do?
He would be too gallant to let me go without a fight. A strong argument at the least. Even if it’s the best thing for his happiness, he is going to feel too much loyalty and obligation to me just to let me walk out the door.
Of course, I could just pack up and leave. Not tell him. It’s a completely shitty thing to do even if it’s what’s best for him. He would be so upset, though. He would follow me to California, of that I have no doubt. Maybe not to drag me back, but to at least let me know what a shitty thing it was that I did to him.
There’s no easy answer. I sigh as our townhome comes into view. I’m stunned when I see Dax’s car sitting out on the curb. He always takes one of the parallel spots there to leave the single-car garage in the front open for me.
As I’m pulling into the driveway, I glance down at the clock on my dashboard. Twelve fifteen. He should be long gone by now as the team skate was supposed to be at noon, followed by a lunch.
I open the garage door, then pull my car in slowly. Turning it off, I sit there in silence and wonder what in the hell he is doing here.
I may have had a million questions before pulling up, but I didn’t have a single answer. What I did have, though, was a little time on my side. I’d thought I had hours before I would see Dax again—which would technically be after the game tonight—to decide what to do. I am not prepared to walk in there right now and confront this issue with him.
But maybe he’s not even in there. Maybe he got a ride with someone else.
A wave of relief rushes through me as I realize it’s the most logical explanation. Bishop probably came by to pick Dax up. Hell, maybe it was even Tacker. While it doesn’t appear he’s any more socially engaging with the team as a whole, he has opened up to Dax at the team practices this past week. If by opening up, complaining about his new therapist he has to see counts. So maybe he grabbed an Uber, came by to get Dax, and they rode to the arena together.