It’s not that I didn’t want a baby with Hope. I was starting to think that might be one of the things I wanted most in life. A family with Hope. But not like this. Not ever like this. Not so she would think it was a ploy. A way to trap her and save myself.
I didn’t want her with me for a baby or the will. Not for guilt or duty. I wanted Hope to want me for me.
Not sure what to say, I helped her to her feet, ushering her into the bathroom. I pulled her under the warm spray of the shower, careful to keep her hair clear of the water. “A bath would be better,” I said, smoothing my hands down her arms and around to cup her breasts. “But Savannah’s going to ring the lunch gong any minute, and I’m assuming you don’t want to explain why we’re missing the meal.”
Hope’s teeth sank into her lower lip, her cheeks flushed pink. She shook her head, unable to meet my eyes. So shy, even after what happened in that bed.
“You’re okay?” I had to ask. “I didn’t hurt you?”
Another shy shake of her head. “It was good,” she whispered. “Really good.”
“I wasn’t too rough?”
I’d lost control. Not completely, but enough. More than I ever had before. I didn’t know why. It was just… Hope. She was so responsive, so in the moment, and her passion was so real. She’d wanted me enough to give me something she’d saved her entire fucking life.
She seemed fine. A little sore, a little shy, a little shaken about the condom thing but otherwise, fine.
I watched her step out of the shower and grab a towel, self-conscious in her nudity. Probably not wanting to tip off Savannah, she grabbed her discarded jeans and sweater from the closet floor and got dressed after smoothing on her apples and cinnamon lotion.
I didn’t watch, I swear.
I mostly didn’t watch.
I was pulling my shirt over my head when the lunch gong sounded. I’d forgotten that thing until I came home. Some long-ago Sawyer ancestor had brought it over from the Far East, a big brass disk hanging from two leather straps in a wooden frame. It had been used for generations to call the Sawyers to the dining room.
Hope looked up at me with a grin. “I forgot about that thing. It’s loud.”
I grinned in agreement and followed her out of the bedroom. I was stuck in my head, in my heart, all of me turned inside out by Hope and the gift she’d given me. She practically skipped down the stairs, sending Savannah a brilliant smile as we walked into the dining room and took our seats at the end of the table.
You should be glad she’s not freaking out, I reminded myself. And I was. I didn’t want to hurt her. I didn’t want her scared. If forgetting the condom meant she ended up pregnant, we’d deal.
I didn’t want her scared or hurt, but I wanted her to feel… something. Hadn’t she been in love with me for most of her life? She’d just given me her virginity. Now she was sitting down to a turkey sandwich like nothing had changed.
Everything had changed.
For me.
Maybe not for her. Maybe this was just scratching something off her bucket list.
Finally fuck Griffen. Check.
I never thought I’d end up married to Hope. Never thought she’d be in my bed. She’d been a kid when I left. At best, my friend, and at worst—at worst she’d been the architect of my exile. Except she hadn’t been. In truth, at worst she’d been an occasional nuisance.
I hadn’t been planning to sleep with her. Not yet. I’d planned a lot more foreplay, a lot more teasing and kissing and touching. But she’d been so hot, right there with me, her moans when I kissed her and the heat of her body impossible to deny.
She’d given me a gift. Not just her virginity, though that meant so much more than I’d expected it would. It wasn’t that I cared if she’d slept with other men. I didn’t have any hangups about purity. That would have been pretty hypocritical considering my own past.
It was her trust that meant so much. She’d spent her entire life protecting herself, never sharing her body with anyone. Until me. She’d trusted me with that, known I’d take care of her, that I wouldn’t hurt her.
I hadn’t been looking for this. Hadn’t expected it. But Hope was the most precious gift life had ever thrown my way and it killed me that what we shared didn’t seem to have touched her beyond the pleasure of it.
My world had been rocked, turned upside down and inside out. I didn’t want a fucking turkey sandwich. I wasn’t hungry. I wanted to drag Hope back up to the room, to pull her into a warm bath, to kiss her and make her come again and again.