“The next day,” he continued, “my lunch table was the fullest in the cell block.”
“So, you got respect then.”
“Yeah, by acting like an animal,” he pointed out. “That scared me, because it wasn’t the first time I’d chosen to react with violence when I shouldn’t have. Was it going to be a habit? I was losing grasp of the life I wanted to have and the person I wanted to be, because I kept being stupid.” He dropped his eyes, breathing so hard and looking vulnerable. “I don’t want to ruin my life.”
I stared at him, unable to take my eyes off him. He wouldn’t look at me, and I realized he felt just as useless and inadequate as I always had.
An urge pulled at me to make him feel good.
“Hey.” I brought up my hand, nudging his chin.
He raised his eyes.
I gave him a small smile. “Sometimes when everything and everyone around me is hard to face, I look up.”
He pinched his eyebrows together, looking like he didn’t understand, and I tilted my head back, looking up at the ceiling.
Slowly, he did the same, following my gaze.
The steam billowed in the air above us, parting here and there to show the white granite ceiling of the shower. Particles of crystal in the rock glittered in the dim light, and for a moment, my brain was floating among the mist. Light as a feather, soaring on the clouds.
“Changing your view…” I trailed off. “It helps. Right?”
He smiled, his shoulders relaxing. “We’ll have to try that outside at night sometime.”
We?
Suddenly, he cleared his throat and straightened up, releasing me. “I’m going to get you some clothes, okay?” he told me. “Why don’t you sit down? Warm up some more under the water.”
I nodded, reluctantly backing away as he stepped aside. Was he embarrassed? I didn’t want him to leave, but he looked like he was in a hurry to get out of here. Maybe he regretted telling me all that, but I was glad he did.
He pointed at the shower floor. “Stay here, okay?”
He walked to the door, opening it, and stepped out. “Alex,” I heard him call, but before I had a chance to look, he’d closed the shower door again.
I remained there, all the chill now gone. Legs growing weary, I fell softly into the wall to help support my weight.
He didn’t touch me. He’d just put his arms around me and held me, not getting greedy or trying to get more out of me or anything. Even Damon had never been as patient and comforting with me.
On the rare occasion my brother felt compelled to show any affection, no embrace ever lasted more than a few seconds. My mother was probably the last person to hold me like that.
I slid down the wall, my ass planted on the tiles and my knees drawn up. I closed my eyes, feeling my blood flowing warm under my skin, my breathing slow and steady.
My mind tilted sideways, and every limb was a ten-ton weight. I didn’t know how long I drifted off for.
“Banks?” I heard a soft voice say.
Could’ve been an hour later or a minute. I wasn’t sure.
I shifted, letting out a little moan.
“Banks?” the voice said, closer this time, and I slowly peeled my eyes open.
Alex, the girl from the party, was crouching down next to me, dressed in some hot pink workout shorts and a white sports bra. She stayed back from the spray of the shower.
“Kai wanted me to get you some clothes,” she explained. “I’ve been waiting outside. I just want to let you know I have something for you to wear. You can stay in here however long you want, though.”
I sniffled, opening my eyes and sitting all the way up. “I’m fine.”