Six Years Ago
Maybe I’ll be around?
I’d said that. Why had I said that to him in the confessional? And why had I taunted him on the road earlier? There was no way I’d be around or allowed to go anywhere tonight. Not on Devil’s Night.
But finally being able to engage with him, I couldn’t stop myself. He was like a puzzle, giving the impression that there were so many things he wanted to say, but he struggled to get his words out. And then…every once in a while in that confessional, he showed himself. His real self. The monster who my brother said everyone had inside of them.
I coasted back down the long driveway, testing
out my bike after the repairs I’d made. I unclenched my fingers from the handlebar, and spreading out my hand, I studied my dirty nails.
He wouldn’t like me, right? I wasn’t his type.
He was used to girls who looked like models, with magazine hair, hundred-dollar eye shadow, and heels for days. I glanced down at my brother’s old Vans on my feet—the ones he’d grown out of six years ago—permanently stained from oil that he’d spilled on them so many summers ago and the fabric shredding along the rubber sole. I didn’t look like a girl, much less a woman.
And at seventeen years old, I was so far behind other girls my age. Kai couldn’t be seen with me even if he wanted to. I’d embarrass him.
And I’d never be able to afford to look like I could even try to fit in with him and his crowd.
I breathed in the evergreens on both sides of the blacktop as the wind blew back my dark hoodie and caressed my hair.
In all the times I’d spotted Kai around Thunder Bay, around my house, at a basketball game…he was cool and calm, touched by nothing.
But not today. I’d made him nervous.
I smiled, pedaling faster as I clicked the little black remote secured to my handlebars. Smells Like Teen Spirit droned in my ears, and I swerved left, zooming right through the iron gates just as they parted for me. I held on tight as the road dipped, and raced down the steep, paved hill of my driveway. Holding the handlebars straight, I closed my eyes, instantly feeling my heart jump up into my throat at the rush of wind and the sensation washing over me.
I made him nervous. My skin still tingled where he chafed it when he grabbed my sweatshirt. What would he have done without that wall between us?
A horn honked, and I popped my eyes open, seeing one of my father’s cars racing toward me.
Shit. I swerved out of the way, turning right, and flew past the Bentley, avoiding eye contact. The driveway evened out, and I continued down the length, feeling eyes on my back as I disappeared around the back of the house, out of sight of the car.
Last night’s rain still chilled the air, but the ground was dry as I hopped off my bike and walked it behind the hedges between the two garages, one loaded with cars that were never driven and one with blacked-out windows and a keypad code that almost no one knew.
I hid the bike out of sight and jogged up to the back of the house. Entering the kitchen, I immediately smelled all the food and nearly groaned as I closed my eyes for a moment.
Marina, one of the household’s cooks, was making bread today, and I closed the door, feeling warm all over.
“Where ya been?” I heard David’s voice and glanced over at the long, wooden table in the middle of the room where he sat with two others of my father’s security, Ilia and Lev.
I looked away, walking to the stove. “Fixing my bike.”
Marina wiped her hands on a towel and winked at me, lifting the lid of the pot on the stove. I leaned over, breathing in and smiling at the chestnut and mushroom soup.
“When your brother calls me,” David barked, “and I don’t know where you are, I feel like he’s going to reach through the phone and rip out my throat. You’re getting me into trouble, Nik. And if you’re going to confession, let us know and one of us will give you a ride.”
I kept my eye roll to myself, taking the bowl that Marina loaded up and handed to me. Walking over to the table, I climbed over the bench seat and plopped down next to David, tearing some bread off the loaf already sitting in front of me.
“Leave the kid alone,” Marina scolded, coming up behind me and pulling my hair out of the back of my sweatshirt, combing her fingers through it. “She needs some freedom.”
He scowled up at her. “You try explaining that to him.”
I remained silent, knowing he was right. He had a right to be mad. No one wanted to deal with my brother. Standing up, I walked over to the sink to retrieve a clean spoon.
I heard Ilia speak up. “Yeah, I can’t even tell him you stole some of my beers last night.” He grabbed me and yanked me down into a headlock. “He’ll just blame me for leading you into temptation.”
I twisted, trying to free myself. “Cut it out!” I shouted, the odor of cigarettes and sweat assaulting my nostrils and making me gag.