That vacancy howled.
I gave myself over to it for one moment, for one fleeting second, before I ripped myself from her stare and slipped into the backseat of the car.
Because it didn’t matter where I went or who I pretended to become.
I could never escape the reminder of the penalty that was left to pay.FiveMiaFrom where I sat at the island in the kitchen, I stared out the windows that overlooked Los Angeles as the sun slowly rose above the horizon. It tossed a kaleidoscope of colors across the city.
Pinks and oranges and bursting blues.
I sipped at my coffee while I relished in the sight.
There was always a quiet peace that radiated with the breaking day.
As if we were being offered a second chance. A new story. Our spirits renewed.
I guessed I wasn’t surprised when I was hit with a surge of sadness.
It wafted and curled and saturated. Its own entity. I reached out, welcomed it, held it close to my heart.
I allowed the grief to consume me for the briefest moment. My mother had taught me that sometimes the most important part of healing was allowing ourselves to feel. That we had to allow ourselves to truly feel it without trying to minimize its pain, before we could possibly expect it to not hurt so bad.
And God . . . it hurt so bad it was physical.
An ache that wasn’t close to being dull.
Sharp and biting and as raw as could be.
“I’m so sorry,” I whispered beneath my breath, my eyes pressed closed as if she might be able to hear.
Praying that she could. That there was somewhere so much bigger than this life out there.
I jerked out of the daze when I heard a stampede of footsteps thundering from the opposite side of the house.
My aching spirit soared. Lifted like I’d been tossed a life raft.
The one thing in this ugly world that could truly save.
It grew louder and louder. A riot that came closer with every beat.
Two seconds later, the swinging door burst open. A whole herd of children crashed into the kitchen.
Jostling and vying to get in front of the other. Nothing but flailing arms and shrieking voices and laughter that could go on for days.
A soft smile edged my mouth when I took in the tangle. They didn’t even notice I was there considering they were far too busy trying to outdo the other.
Kallie and Connor, who were Baz and Shea’s kids.
Liam, Zee and Alexis’ son, who was seven.
Colton, the three-year-old wild child who belonged to Ash and Willow. Nothing but a ham, just like his daddy.
Sadie, who belonged to Austin and Edie, was right on his tail.
Brendon and Adia, Lyrik and Tamar’s children—my niece and nephew.
It was no secret the Sunder boys had been busy the last few years.
“I’m first!” Kallie shouted as she pushed Brendon to get in front of him, her blonde hair flying around her as she made a last-ditch effort to get in front of the pack.
Brendon threw out his arm.
My breath locked in worry because he just about clothes-lined her to keep her from rounding to the front.
Last thing we needed was her head cracked open on the marble tile.
Oh, but Kallie was on her toes, expecting his retaliation, the child diving to her knees so she could slide right under his barricade. The second she did, she jumped to her feet and slammed her hands down on the countertop. “Ha! I was first! Fair and square.”
“Uh, not a chance, Kallie. I was definitely in front of you.” Brendon raked her arms off the island and slammed his down in her place. “See!”
“No way. You’re a cheater, Brendon West.” Kallie propped her hand on her hip, giving him all her sass. “I touched it first!”
“Kallie won, Kallie won,” Adia sang, shoving at her big brother like the four-year-old spitfire had enough strength to shove him out of the race.
“Nice . . . pick her side instead of mine, Adia. That’s what’s called a betrayal. How could you do this to me? I’m your big brother.” He slapped a hand onto his chest.
Nothing but dramatic.
I swore, that boy was bound to be a heartbreaker.
Setting my cup of coffee on the breakfast nook, I stood and started to wander their direction. I wound around the large island just as Kristina, Tamar and Lyrik’s trusted babysitter, came through the door.
She was carrying Greyson.
A rush of adoration spilled into my veins, my heart squeezing tight.
Talk about a heartbreaker.
Elation filled his face, and he pointed at me with his chubby finger. “Momma! I see you! I see you! Wook! Momma in the kitchen,” he told Kristina with one of his emphatic nods, like she didn’t notice me standing right there.
Love rushed. So fast and hard it nearly knocked me from my feet.
“I see you, too, sweet boy,” I murmured, pointing back.