Maybe that’s a valid reason, but I recognize her fear. It took me almost ten years to work up the courage to take a second chance on my art, and even now, putting it out there isn’t easy. My best work comes from vulnerability, and nobody wants to be judged with their walls down. But I have yet to regret it. “Then nobody has to know,” I say. “Just us. I’ll make sure you remain anonymous. Promise.”
She presses her lips together, suppressing either a smile or a frown, I can’t tell. She touches her palm to her chest. “My heart is racing. The thought of someone looking at me like that . . . or reading my stuff. I shouldn’t want to do it, should I? I don’t know.” She takes the camera from me and examines each photo again. “I think I do.”
She may not know, but I have some idea. All the hints I’ve been collecting—the bra, the tattoo, the forbidden thoughts—tell me what I need to know. If she was raised conservatively, then she’s probably been burying her sexuality in this journal for a while, hiding it even from herself, and it’s seeping out in other ways.
I’m not about to explain it to her, though. I don’t want this to stop. “Is that a yes?”
She exchanges the camera for her coffee, and after a pause, looks at me. “That’s a lot of trust to put in you.”
“I told you earlier—you’re safe with me.”
“I’ve critiqued people’s work,” she says. “Sometimes solicited, sometimes not. If I put something out there . . .”
“You’re opening yourself up to criticism. But does it feel less scary if nobody knows who you are?”
Slowly, she nods. “A lot less scary.”
I relax. I’m too relieved to get something I didn’t know I wanted a few minutes ago. “Then I’ll post this picture with your words, and you’ll see. People will love it. And if you’re still scared after that, I’ll take it down.”
“And if I’m not?”
I swallow dryly. “Then we can talk about posting the second one.”
She nods and finally, a smile breaks through. “I should go. It’s getting late, and there’s dinner . . .”
“Yeah. Okay.” I hold out her journal.
She just looks at it, balling her fists in her lap. “Keep it.”
I raise my eyebrows at her. “Yeah?”
“Not forever. Only for a little while. When I take it home, I hide it, and it’s sad. Maybe it should be somewhere it can actually breathe.”
“Like my nightstand?” I tease.
She maintains eye contact, even as something darker passes over her face—desire? Fear? I’d pay a mint to read her thoughts at the moment. “If that’s where you want to keep it . . . I won’t stop you.”
“I can’t be responsible for what it makes me do,” I say more gruffly than I mean.
“Then I’ll be responsible.”
God.
Damn.
This is the ultimate test of willpower. She’s flirting with me. She likes the idea of me reading her words at night, touching myself, and fuck if it doesn’t make me sort of crazy with lust. It’s best she leaves now before I make a huge mistake.
I look out the window. Days are getting shorter, and it’s already dark. “I’ll walk you downstairs,” I say. “You should get a car home.”
“I’ll be fine.”
“I insist.” I put the journal down. “Come.”
I ride down the elevator with her and put her in a taxi. As she’s driven away, as my warmth cools, I begin to dread what’s ahead of me. Another night alone. I know her now. Her secrets, her small protests against what she thinks she’s supposed to be, the bow of her lips.
Being alone when I don’t want to be is hard enough.
Knowing everything she is, all that I won’t have next to me tonight, will make it worse.
7
One indication this won’t be a normal day is the fact that I’m the one who wakes up first. Seven minutes before Rich’s alarm goes off, I’m completely awake, as if I’d only blinked and hadn’t actually slept. Maybe I didn’t, because I’m still having the same thoughts I was as I’d drifted off last night.
Finn read my journal, and he wasn’t repulsed.
He was so un-repulsed, that he masturbated to it.
He understood it. He felt inspired. Is there any higher compliment?
Then, he almost kissed me. Finn almost kissed me.
I look over my shoulder. Rich is fast asleep beside me, up to his nose in sheets and blankets despite central heating. I wouldn’t have stayed here last night, but I’d already promised him I would. The sheer white curtains glow with morning light, the opposite of Finn’s place, which is older than this apartment, more lived in, darker. Finn doesn’t have much, but his space seems to expect clutter.
I won’t be alone again until Rich leaves for work. That’s only an hour away, but I don’t want to wait. I take my phone from the nightstand and sit up against the headboard. After pulling my hair back off my face, I check to see if Finn posted to Instagram. His username is already in my recent history from last night. There’s nothing new.
I have four minutes until the alarm, so I search hashtags for erotic photographers. The results are graphic, not artful like Finn’s work. I angle my phone completely away from Rich and try #sexypoetry. More nudies. Most photos are of actual words typed out or handwritten on scraps of paper. I scroll and scroll and scroll. Some of it isn’t bad. Some is even beautiful.
Rich wakes up with his alarm and turns over. “You’re already up?”
“I’m checking for an e-mail.”
“Yeah? About what?”
I keep my eyes on my phone. “Just a client thing.”
“Oh.” He throws off the covers, stands, and stretches for the ceiling. Dark hair curls from under the hem of his t-shirt. “Need the shower?”
“Go ahead.”
When he’s in the bathroom and the water’s running, I return to my phone. I check Finn’s profile again, and there I am, forty-seven seconds old. At 7:01 A.M., he posted the first photo. Right underneath my coffee-soaked fingers and curled lip are my words.
Rough me up, dark as coffee.
Burrow deep, make me drip with it, get me so high,
I forget how it feels
to crash.
It has no likes. No comments. Only sixty-one people follow Finn, so that shouldn’t bother me. Still, my disappointment surprises me.
I go into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee before heading to the bathroom. Rich holds open the shower door for me, and we switch places. I scrub and shave while he dresses in a suit and tie.
I wrap a towel around my hair and body and return to the kitchen for what’s usually the best part of my morning—my first cup of coffee. Today, though, I’m more eager about the photo. Outside of a few speeches and performances in middle school, I’ve never put myself on display this way. For people to judge. What if they think I’m unattractive? Or my caption is lame? I don’t know the first thing about real poetry. I just write what feels right. Somebody could easily call me out for that, and they’d have a point.
Still, even though it makes my stomach churn, I grab my phone and type in my passcode. I can’t not check. Finn believes in me. Maybe he’s right, and I do have talent. Either way, I have to know.
Before I check, I pour coffee to the brim. Just the smell, the warmth, settles my nerves a bit.
“No e-mail yet?” Rich asks, drying his empty mug.
“Mhm.” I refresh Finn’s profile. Twenty-four likes and two com
ments. In forty minutes. It’s not a ton, but for the small number of followers he has, it’s something. His other photos have much less, even the ones of pretty women.
I hold my breath and read the comments.
Fucking hottt
What’s this quote from?
My face warms. Strangers. They’re looking at my body and reading my words. My journal entries have always been provocative, but private. I’m someone’s art. Will Finn post all three? The last photo he took included part of my face.
He has the power to expose me.
A man I met only a week ago.
Goosebumps rise over my skin. Would he do that? Last night I trusted him not to, but things aren’t as cut and dry in the light of morning. I should be worried. I’m just tense, though, anticipating, wondering what he’ll do next.
“Earth to Halston.”
I look up. Rich has his briefcase in hand. His chestnut-colored hair is neatly trimmed and styled. I can never tell when he gets it cut, because it always looks the same. “Sorry. Did you say something?” I ask.
“Did I leave the water too warm? Your face is red.”
I’m hot, and I’ve been hot since I left Finn’s last night. Since I arrived there, actually. I touch my throat. “A little.”
“Sorry.” He checks his watch. The gold glints under the kitchen lights. “When will you be in today?”
“Soon. I’m not ready yet.”
“That’s okay. I’m a little early, so I’ll just see you at the office. Anyway, I was just asking if you’re staying here tonight?”
“Oh. No. I haven’t been home in a few days.”
“But you will tomorrow night, right? We have the Dietrich thing.”
“Right.” I’d rather have a few days to myself, but I’ve already committed to the client dinner. Whether it’s Rich’s account or my dad’s, I’m still expected to show. Clients appreciate that we’re both a family business and a mid-size agency. The three of us are a package, Rich and I more show ponies at these dinners than valuable team members. “I’ll be here.”
After Rich leaves, I remove my towel and look myself over in the bathroom mirror. I still haven’t gotten used to this body, how my curves are still there, only slighter, or how my smaller waist makes my breasts look larger, even though they’ve shrunk a bit. My nipples are swollen, as pink as my lips, but Rich and I haven’t had sex in weeks. I hadn’t noticed until last night. Until golden-haired, tall, muscular, attentive Finn leaned in. Until the way his one hand engulfed my coffee cup when he passed it to me, or until his magnificently green eyes lit up when he asked me to read to him. And his lips—God, his lips. They’re unreal, so pouty they’re almost feminine, except that the rest of his facial features are strong, his jawline sharp. It’s the most inviting mouth I’ve ever had the pleasure of almost kissing.