“For what?”
It’s uncomfortable talking to Flora about my sex life. Especially since my sex life is extremely . . . casual. “I don’t mean any disrespect.”
“Are you apologizing to me or the women?” She smiles as I fill her water glass. “Everybody needs intimacy. I don’t fault you that. I just hate to see you so closed off. I think it hurts the girls, and I think it hurts you too.”
“I’m not closed off,” I say, passing her the drink. “I’m doing my best.”
“Perhaps.” She takes a sip. “Listen—don’t feel guilty about leaving Bell. It’s good for you to live your own life. And I’ve sat for her enough times to know how to bring out her excitement.”
“She’s definitely excitable,” I agree.
She laughs. “That she is. Go have fun tonight. And if you want to spend the night out, I have no problem sleeping here.”
“Oh, that won’t be—”
“I’ll just plan on spending the night unless I hear otherwise,” she says.
“No-o-o,” Bell screeches from behind me. I turn just in time to see her burst into tears. Pico mouths “sorry” at me, already looking shell-shocked.
“You can’t do this to me!” Bell launches herself forward, gripping my leg with surprising strength. I pick up her flailing body, and she throws her arms around my neck. “No, no, no. Please don’t go. I can’t fall asleep without you here.”
“Bell, calm down,” I say firmly, but it comes out softer than I mean. I shoot Flora a look.
She nods encouragingly at me.
Bell sobs into my neck. I rub her back. “You’re a big girl, Bell—”
“No I’m not.”
“I need you to do this for me. Please. I promise I’ll be back before you wake up.”
She screams, shredding my eardrums as she fists her hands into my suit jacket. “No, no, no.”
Jesus Christ. I’m no stranger to Bell’s fits, but normally I’m able to calm her down pretty quickly. I suddenly realize that’s because I just give her what she wants.
Flora comes around the counter. “Bell, sweetheart, we’re going to have fun tonight, you, me, and Pico. We’ll do all the girly things Daddy doesn’t do.”
“He does them all,” she says, kneeing me in the gut.
I double over with an ooph, nearly dropping her. Frustrated, I shout “goddamn it” as pain radiates from my stomach.
“Oh, dear.” Flora puts her hand on Bell’s back. “I was going to make you an omelet for dinner. I know how you like those. But omelets are for big girls, not babies.”
“I’m not a baby,” Bell says.
“You’re acting like one,” I tell her. “I thought you said crying was for boys.”
She shudders in my arms. It’s taking everything in me not to give in. I hate this. I don’t even want to go. Sure, I’d love to spend more time with Amelia, but I don’t know if I’ll get to. Maybe she isn’t going. Maybe she has a date. It’s not worth traumatizing my daughter.
“Don’t you dare,” Flora says. “I see defeat in your eyes.”
I take a deep breath, hug Bell closer, and try to put her down. She wriggles to keep her arms around my neck, but I pry her off.
“I hate you both,” she yells at me. “You went away last weekend and now you’re leaving me again. I hate you.” She tears off through the kitchen toward her room.
I flinch when she slams the door. She’s right. I didn’t spend last weekend with her because she was with Sadie. That’s three out of seven nights I’ll be away from her. At least my dad came home every night, even if he was drunk or pissed off.
I scrub my hands over my face. “I can’t do it.”
“You should go now,” Flora says. “Before she comes back out.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes you can. Andrew, look at me.”
I lower my hands, balling them into fists.
Flora’s face is earnest. “You’re the best dad I know. You’re nothing like your father, but you’re everything like your grandfather.”
I stare at her, my chest tight. Flora’s husband and my grandfather used to let Pico and me hang at the garage after school, and without us realizing it, they taught us how to be men.
“You remind me so much of him,” she says.
I swallow, feeling not unlike a small child. “He’s my role model.”
“I know, and it shows.” She leans in. “He was a lover, Andrew. He’d hate to know you were throwing your happiness away by not giving someone a chance to love you. Worse, that you’re not setting a good example for your daughter.”
“How is that setting a bad example? Everything I do is for her.”
“Do you want her to live her life for someone else? Even you?” she asks. “Or do you want her to stand on her own, make decisions for herself and be her own woman?”
I look toward Bell’s bedroom. I want nothing more than to go comfort her, tell her I’ll stay, change out of this stuffy suit. But Flora’s right. This isn’t healthy. She needs to learn how to be away from me. Not right away. Not for a long time, I hope. But we have to start somewhere.
I nod. “All right. I’ll go.”
“Good.” Flora looks way more relieved than I feel. “Let me know what you decide about staying overnight.”
I go into the living room, get my wallet and keys, and reluctantly head out the door before I change my mind.
TEN
Sadie’s definition of a bar is different from mine. When I meet my friends for a drink, it normally means beer and a game of pool at Timber Tavern. Tonight, I step into a place with a French name I can’t pronounce. The countertops are black-lacquered with white subway tile. The cocktails cost more than most of my meals. For once, I’m glad to be wearing a suit.
Sadie waves at me from the bar. I make my way through the light crowd and stop cold when I spot Nathan next to her. “I thought you had to work,” I say from a few feet back. I know when I’m being lured into a trap.
“He was able to get off last minute,” Sadie says, waving a hand. “How great is that?”
“Not great,” I say slowly, crossing my arms. Nathan keeps his eyes on the ground. “Why’d you make me come all the way here if you don’t need me?”
“Because it actually worked out perfectly. My new colleague—Mindy, remember?—her date fell through, and since you were already on your way, I figured you could take his dinner.”
I glare at Sadie. I should’ve guessed this was a set up. Sadie’s never invited me to one of her events before. “No.”
“Yes.”
“You tricked me.”
“No,” Sadie says. “It just happened to work out.”
“Come on, Sadie, I’m not an idiot.” Nathan busies himself inspecting the ceiling, the bastard. “Do you guys have any idea what it was like for me to get here tonight? Bell nearly took me down.”
“I figured,” Sadie says. “She had a meltdown on the subway when we left you Friday night.”
I run a hand through my hair. “Seriously? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I didn’t want to worry you.” She shrugs. “I took care of it, Andrew. It’s normal for her to have some separation anxiety given the way Shana left, but at some point, you have to stop indulging that behavior.”
“You’re going to start with me too?” I ask. “I’m her only parent. Everything I do is for her.”
“We know,” Nathan says, coming over to rest a hand on my shoulder. “Nobody’s denying that. But Bell’s getting to an age where—”
“Dude,” I say, turning to him. “You’re supposed to be my bro. A heads up about this would’ve been nice.”
Nate rolls his lips together and removes his hand to scratch the back of his neck. “I am,” he says. “Which is why drinks are on me. What can I get you?”
“Whisky, neat. And I want top-shelf.”
“Of course,” Nathan says, smiling a little too hard. He leans in and talks to me through his teeth. “Don’t resist.
She’s just hit month five, and she’s getting unpredictable.”
Sadie looks up. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” we say at the same time.