He froze, dropping his eyes from her to the floor as he absorbed that. So not what he’d expected.
‘It was when I thought you’d stood me up and I was mad with you,’ she said quickly.
‘And they wrote back?’ He measured his breathing—and his reply.
‘She did.’ Nadia’s voice cracked. ‘It was only one woman. She’d made up another login. I checked and found she’d done all the others too. I think she made it up.’
Ethan still couldn’t look at her, because seeing Nadia this cut up tore him apart. If he snuck even another glance he’d be over there and stuffing things up again.
‘So you were right.’ She spoke so softly he hardly heard her words—but he heard the heartbreak.
He shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling more sorry for her than he did for himself.
‘How many others are on there, making up rubbish?’ she asked, not seeming to expect an answer because she went straight on, her distress becoming more audible. ‘I really believed in it. I really did.’
‘I know.’
‘I’m so sorry, Ethan. I’ve already shut down the thread. I’m going to shut down the whole site—I just need to give the members some warning.’
She was broken.
Only a couple of weeks ago he’d have been punching the air and yahooing about the site being pulled. Laughing. He’d never felt less like laughing.
‘I don’t want you to shut it down.’ She really was an idealist, wasn’t she? Believing in the best of people—except for “men like him”, of course. Believing she could make a difference. And she could—she really, really could. But being such an idealist meant she could also be crushed—as she was now. ‘Don’t shut it down.’
‘I have to. This makes it worthless.’
‘No, it doesn’t. You can’t kill all that effort. I saw some of those e-mails. And there were so many other e-mails in those folders. You help people. Just because one woman abused your system it doesn’t mean you should ditch all the others by shutting down the site. Just like the fact that one guy took advantage of you in the past shouldn’t put you off all the rest.’ He really didn’t want her to be put off.
‘But it was you she hurt. It was you.’
‘And that makes it worse?’ His whisper was as soft as hers.
‘Yes.’
His heart beat unbearably fast, and his eyes stung as if wind had blown sand in them. But he jammed his hands deeper into his pockets, determined to be honest and open up to her. ‘Nadia, what’s on that thread about me is right.’
‘No, it’s not.’
‘It is true,’ he argued, aching inside. ‘I guess that’s really why it bothered me so much when I first saw it.’ He looked up at her. ‘Whether I actually went out with that woman I don’t know. But what she said was right—I was shallow. I was arrogant. I played—’ He broke off and laughed painfully. ‘And what you said earlier was even more true. I thought I had it together. My life was settled and easy. And empty. I love my job, but I shied away from relationships because they were too much work. I didn’t want to be like Dad and neglect a woman by spending all my time at work, or cheat. I told myself I was okay because I dated only one at a time. Always nice, never arguing. But really I was just like him. Knowing how to take advantage. Not having the fibre or the soul to commit. I used those women. I was shallow to think that everyone was having a good time and no one was being hurt.’
He couldn’t look her in the eyes now, couldn’t face the condemnation he deserved. ‘But you want to know the real pathetic truth, Nadia? You want to know why I didn’t go for more than three dates? Because I didn’t want to be hurt. You know, he walked out and I still wonder why. Why didn’t he want us? Why hasn’t anything I’ve done been enough to get his affection or attention? I know it shouldn’t matter. I know it’s his loss—but I still feel it. And I hate that rejection. I hate that it matters so much. I don’t want to feel it again. I don’t want to let anyone have that power over me,’ he mumbled. ‘But then I met you, and I’ve had it so wrong. You make me want so many things I never thought I’d want.’
Nadia moved three paces towards him, desperately wanting to touch him but too scared because he still stood so defensively—all shut away and retreating from her. ‘Ethan—’
‘Please don’t come near me. If I touch you now I won’t tell you all the things I need to tell you. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry.’
But he didn’t need to be. ‘Ethan, you’re nothing like your father.’ She tried to swallow the burning lump in her throat so she could speak clearly. ‘You’re a fantastic son and brother and uncle. You’re loyal, you’re dependable—there for them when they need you. You know just how to make them smile and feel better. You bring sunshine to their world and that’s such a skill. That’s not superficial. I’m sorry I said you were. Because you’re not. You care too, Ethan.’
He still stared hard at the floor. ‘But I’ve never cared about anyone the way I care about you.’ His voice dropped to almost inaudible. ‘I’ve never wanted a woman the way I want you.’
Her breathing ratcheted. The goosebumps of old feathered across her skin. She couldn’t move.
‘You’re the most passionate person I’ve ever met. And I’m don’t mean sex.’ Beneath his tee shirt his biceps flexed. Then he lifted his head and drilled those fiery eyes right though her. ‘Whatever it is you take on, you pour everything you can into it. Yes, you make the odd mistake—but so what? You also achieve amazing things. I love the energy you have for everything you do in life. I want to be like that.’ His hands jerked out of his pockets as he suddenly strode towards her. ‘But sometimes it seems like you don’t need anyone or anything. You’re so determined to get out there and achieve it all on your own.’
Was that what he thought? Her heart wrung—he was so wrong.
‘But you do need people.’ He bent, grasping her upper arms. ‘And you want to be valued. You want to be loved, and you should be—just for you.’
She didn’t bother trying to hide the tears slipping down her cheeks. She just wiped them with uselessly wet fingers.
‘You are valued, Nadia. You are loved.’ His voice dropped to a whisper. ‘I love you.’
‘You don’t.’ He couldn’t. He just couldn’t.
He looked distressed and his fingers tightened. ‘Please believe in me. In us. In yourself. I know there’s courage in you, Nadia. Please trust me.’
‘But I’ve been such a bitch. You can’t possibly like me when I’ve been so horrible.’
The desperate pinch in his features lessened. So did the pressure on her arms. ‘Well, I’ve been a jerk too.’ A smile flashed then. ‘And, yeah, there’ve been a couple of seconds when I didn’t like you—but I absolutely love you and I always will.’
It was a mountain blocking her throat now, so she couldn’t speak at all. She couldn’t actually think. There was just amazement and disbelief and relief and the sweetest warm feeling trickling through her.
‘WomanBWarned does a lot of good things. Put in a few more checks and balances, Nadia. Make it better. Don’t destroy it. And let me help you—not because I don’t think you can do it on your own, but because I care. Let me be beside you, cheering all the way.’
She smiled, the block in her throat melting. ‘You don’t want to be involved in WomanBWarned.’
‘Yes, I do—because it matters to you and I can see what it could be.’ He sighed. ‘It doesn’t matter what any of those people think about me …’ He hesitated, looking almost shy as he muttered, ‘All that matters is what you think of me.’
A rainbow burst in her chest, flooding her with colour and warmth and light—and, yes, courage. Real genuine courage to go for what she truly wanted. ‘Ethan, I think the world of you.’ She stretched up on tiptoe as if she could make him believe her if she was closer. ‘You’re the sunshine, the air—you’re everything to me. I love you.’
He smiled, but in his eyes there was still a scared look. ‘Really?’
‘It shouldn’t be so hard to believe.’ She ran her fingers down the hard planes of his chest. ‘Let me prove it to you.’
He covered her hand with his and stopped its journey down his flinching abs. ‘I don’t want to think we’re just about sex. I mean, it’s the best ever with you, but there’s more to us than—’
‘I know that.’ She put her fingers over his mouth. ‘Take me to bed, please, Ethan—and make love with me.’
Still he hesitated. ‘I thought you didn’t want to …’
His bedroom. She remembered now—she’d been such a bitch she’d refused to go into his room last time she was here. ‘Those women are a part of your past,’ Nadia said. ‘I might not like it that much, but I do accept it. Just like you’re willing to accept WomanBWarned.’
‘You know I’m only interested in one woman now,’ he said seriously. ‘And there weren’t really that many notches.’ His eyes suddenly danced. ‘And last week I got a new bed anyway. I thought I’d turn over a new bedspread.’
‘Instead of a new leaf?’
‘Yeah.’ He held her closer still. ‘And it’s so much better than I’d ever have believed.’
‘So I’m going to be the first in your new bed?’ she teased.
‘And the last.’
He hoisted her up and she wound her legs round his waist. He moved quickly. They stripped quickly. But when they lay down they both intuitively slowed. It was love-making at its simplest—face-to-face, arms entwined. The moment of completion was sublime. She clamped her legs together, locking him inside her. He kissed her deeply so they were as close and connected as possible, taking up only the narrowest space in the super-size bed.
‘I love you,’ he whispered again.
She answered him over and over, until ecstasy hit and sent her to paradise. Clinging to him tightly, she took him with her. She rested on him after, coasting her hand down his chest, joyously free to caress him as she pleased. And she was so pleased—so in love.
‘Let’s go on a date.’ She lifted her head, energised by a resurgence of elation. ‘We could go dancing—I’d love to dance with you.’
‘No. I’m not ever going on a date with you again. Not ever.’
She stared down at him, her breath catching.
‘Neither of us are in the dating scene, okay?’ he said intently. ‘We’re in a relationship.’
‘A what? ’
‘You heard.’ He grinned—although it was a little short on his usual confidence and heavier on self-consciousness. ‘You’re the woman I want to be with. The only woman. Whatever it takes, Nadia. Even—’ he breathed deep ‘—commitment.’