And for once, he stood as still as she. All that dynamism and energy of his was directed intensely at her.
‘Please, Emmy. Stay. Listen.’
She blinked, absorbing the hit of emotion in that husky request, and she knew there was no way of escaping this now. So a moment hung—a beat for breath, for fear to bloom but for courage to be sought.
But then he spoke again.
‘I thought about all sorts of... I don’t know, ways to try... I thought about whisking you someplace amazing...but I don’t want to do that—to use props or places to try to...’ He frowned and muttered a curse against himself. ‘I just want to ask for a few moments of your time. To listen just to me. Then decide for yourself what you want to do.’ He swallowed. ‘And whatever you want to do, I’ll accept. I won’t stop you or stand in your way.’
Was he saying he was letting her go? That he wanted her to go?
His cheekbones sharpened as he suddenly sucked in a breath. ‘The day my father left wasn’t anything extraordinary. He didn’t give me a special hug. Didn’t give me a photo or a medallion or a book or even a few words of explanation to remember him by. He just left in the afternoon for work like usual...’ He trailed off and she felt the sudden trembling in his hands and realised just how painful this was for him to relive.
‘Javier, you don’t have to—’
‘I do have to,’ Javier argued hoarsely. ‘Not just because you need me to, but because I need to. I know I need to and I want to. But I just hope you can be patient with me because...’ He ground his teeth together. But then he drew another breath. ‘It was days before I realised he wasn’t coming back. Months before it sank in that he didn’t want to see me any more and that he was never going to make contact. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t taken me with him. I’d thought we were close—I have these memories of him carrying me, playing... I’d adored him, Emmy... He was my papa...’ He closed his eyes suddenly and his skin seemed to tighten more as every muscle flexed. ‘But he just left me. I never saw him or heard from him again. I found out only a couple of years ago that he’d died in a car accident when I was almost twenty.’ He released a sigh that was almost a groan. ‘I was pretty small when he left, Emmy, but I think it might’ve left a big scar.’
The hurt in Emmy’s already aching heart deepened.
‘And then I remember when my mother left me at that school the week after she’d married a man I barely knew, and frankly was a bit afraid of, and it was only a month after my father had disappeared. She told me it was best for me. That I needed to get a good education. That I was to work hard. And I did. I worked so hard because I wanted to please her enough for her to want me to come home. But she never did. I was always sent away. All year, every year. And I remember finally going there for brief holidays and seeing the family photos of her and him with their two sons and not me. Never me.’ He drew in another harsh breath. ‘It was never me, Emmy.’
Emerald almost couldn’t stand to see him in such devastating pain. Because recalling this, saying this, was pure pain for him. ‘Javier—’
‘I remember when I found out Beatrice had cheated,’ he rushed to override her. ‘You know, I’d thought I had someone on my team for once. That I had someone I could trust. But I didn’t.’
She twisted her hands so she could hold him and stop him slipping his free. But he didn’t try to; he looked into her eyes and laced his fingers through hers and visibly forced himself to keep speaking.
‘So maybe I got bad at trusting people. Maybe I got used to never saying what I really wanted or how I really felt because, for a long, long time, there wasn’t anyone who really wanted to listen. And because I didn’t want to feel that badly again. I think I thought I had it nailed. It was easy not to open up to people, Emmy. It was easy to work and make money and be successful and buy all the things and enjoy casual sex and not ever really give a damn, because no one had really given a damn about me...’ He drew in another shuddering breath. ‘Until there was you.’
Her heart stuttered, then stopped.
‘It was easier than anything ever, to spend time with you, Emerald. And it was so good right from the start that I didn’t want to be me, I wanted to be free of all that, to just enjoy being with you,’ he whispered brokenly. ‘And it was still the easiest when we were on the yacht until it became the hardest. Because I didn’t realise what was happening until it was too late and then I didn’t even know how scared I’d got. So when you said you didn’t want to go with me to Miami and that you didn’t want to sleep with me any more...it hurt a part of me that I thought had been numbed long, long ago. I lashed out. I instantly leapt to the conclusion that you’d leave while my back was turned. Not because I think the worst of you, but because I feared the worst had happened to me. Because it’s happened before, Emmy. It’s happened too much before and, honestly, there’s a scared bit of me that will probably always worry that one day I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone.’
In this moment, time stopped. She couldn’t hear for the thud of her pulse in her ears, yet somehow his words landed right on her lacerated heart.
‘That is my worst nightmare, Emerald, and the horror of it is, I’ve been living it these last few days. Because there is nothing worse than waking without you beside me. Not even talking to you like this now—and talking about my father and my mother is hideous. But I’ll do it because I need you to understand why I couldn’t before...’ He broke off and shook his head again. ‘There’s nothing worse than realising I could have had everything with you only I then threw it away because you were right. But I wasn’t just lazy, Emmy. I was a coward too.’
‘No, you weren’t.’ Because she understood. She knew. And now she couldn’t stop the trembling invading her limbs. Her fingers shook, her legs, her lips. She blinked again and again but there was no stopping the torrent of emotion wrecking her body. Tears torn from despair to hope, from devastation to desire, tracked down her cheeks.
‘Don’t cry, preciosa. I’m trying to tell you how sorry I am. And I need to tell you. I need to talk before I touch too much, because if I touch too much I won’t be able to talk any more and I know I need to talk more, but it’s hard and I’m so very sorry I hurt you.’ He bent his head, his voice the lowest, broken whisper. ‘I want to give you what you need. I want to open up and be there for you. You’re beautiful and special and you saying that to me was brave and I was such a coward back to you. I couldn’t hear you properly because the anxiety was raging inside and not letting me accept your words.’ His voice shook and she leaned closer still to hear him. ‘I wanted it so much it scared the hell out of me and I pushed it away. I pushed you away. I denied your feelings and I shouldn’t have. But I’m not now, and I hope you can listen to mine. I love you, Emerald. I’ve fallen for you—so hard, so completely. I love you and I want to do whatever you need me to do.’
‘You don’t have to,’ she muttered. ‘Please don’t feel like you have to.’
He smothered a growl and stepped closer. ‘Believe me, Emmy. Please believe me.’
She wanted to so very much, and seeing him like this? So emotional, so vulnerable, and so very determined... Her heart swelled so fast it simply burst.
‘Hell, Emmy, you know it’s hard for me to talk about this...so please believe me when I do,’ he swore hoarsely and abandoned his resolve to touch little and talk lots. ‘Or let me show you.’
She leaned in to meet his kiss, meshing with him in a seal that she never wanted released. The passion of the kiss sank all reason. Certainty slowly settled into her skin as the kiss deepened and lengthened. There was only this kiss and this kiss was everything.
All words were lost as touch took over—and that need to express beyond words. They stripped right there, in the hallway, hasty and quick and stumbling; they were too lost in each other to care where they were. There was only the desperation to reveal everything, to be bared, to connect as intimately, a
s completely as possible. All the while returning to that kiss.
She melted as he caressed her and then groaned. She understood his haste and confusion as to where to touch first because she felt it too. Clumsily perfect, they slid clothes from skin, and then there was nothing but searing heat as they finally coupled.
Locked deep inside her, he finally tore his lips from hers and bore his cocoa and coffee gaze straight into her soul. ‘Love you. Love you. Love you.’
With every echo he pushed—a surge deeper, a thrust more powerful than the last. An almost savage declaration of the sweetest of things.
She saw it, felt it, believed it. Whispered it back, over and over until passion and pleasure coalesced and meant words would no longer form. All that could escape were sighs of delight—and then, with a final tight arch of her body and a fierce push of his, there was only the scream of ecstasy.
She stroked her fingers over his sweat-slicked back as he lay slumped over her. She loved their shared loss of power and she lay contently pillowing him.
Eventually he rolled, pulling her close to cradle her head on his chest.
‘I’m sorry I ripped up at you. I just lost it. I’m sorry I couldn’t figure this out sooner.’ He groaned. ‘But you believe me now?’
She nodded. ‘I want to believe you so much.’
He kissed away her tears. ‘It’ll happen. The heartache will ease.’ He swallowed. ‘But I know now how it lingers, doesn’t it? The fear.’
She nodded. ‘It lurks, yes, hiding away, ready to strike. But we blast it away with the heat, right?’
‘We do.’ He rolled to his feet with a growl. ‘But we’d better move for now. Luke will be back soon.’
Her heart soared all over again. She couldn’t wait to cradle their baby together.
‘I would do anything I thought was best for him, wouldn’t you?’ She grabbed Javier’s hand and turned him to face her.
He nodded. ‘Of course.’
‘So maybe they really did think they were doing what was best for you?’ She reached up and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. ‘Maybe your father didn’t want to stand in the way of your mother’s happiness, and maybe he thought you really would be better with her or that you were young enough to forget him. And maybe...’ She sighed. ‘Maybe your mother really believed the boarding school would be better for you—that it would stretch you academically and give you space to adjust to a new man in her life? Or that it may even protect you a little?’