CHAPTER FIVE
EMMY WAITED FOR the last page to emerge from the printer and then gathered the leaves of paper together. She’d been in the blindingly well-equipped onboard office for two hours but she was finally done. She stood and stretched in a fruitless attempt to ease the tension from her body.
She’d tried talking to Javier about light things at dinner last night—but the monosyllabic replies she’d got from the most innocuous of questions had swiftly taught her that he wasn’t interested in opening up. And perhaps that was good. So she’d then been careful, keeping conversation utterly focused on Luke, and she’d escaped to her suite as soon as they’d put him to bed. She couldn’t trust herself around Javier. Not after that kiss. Apparently he was her personal Kryptonite and when she was around him, all rational capacity to think fled, leaving her as little more than a ball of raw desire. To be so undone by hormones was mortifying. The only way to get through it with even a smidge of dignity was to keep her distance.
She knew she needed to let Javier have time with Luke without her hovering as if afraid he were about to make off with him. He needed to forge his own relationship with his son. She’d denied them both that for too long and felt terrible about it.
In the middle of the night—when her stupid brain wouldn’t shut down—she’d thought of one small way she might alleviate some of his loss, but now she’d finished, she was nervous about giving it to him.
She walked through to the pool deck to find Javier alone with Luke. She stopped in the doorway, somewhat stunned to see him engaged in the task of finishing up a nappy change.
He glanced up. ‘What?’ he sounded defensive.
‘You did a good job.’ The second she said it she realised she sounded as patronising to him as that doctor had been to her yesterday. But she hadn’t meant to be. Javier had said he hadn’t meant to either. She was prickly and too defensive and right now so was he.
‘The first time I put his nappy on backwards,’ she admitted with a shy smile. ‘The nurse in the hospital broke it to me so kindly and then showed me how to do it properly.’
Javier sat back and a rueful expression softened the hardness in his eyes. ‘I looked up instructions online.’
‘Really?’ Her grin widened.
‘And I checked with Thomas for good measure.’ He lifted his son back down to his play mat, where he immediately crawled over to his favourite toy, sat down and stuck it in his mouth.
‘You did?’ Emmy was surprised. ‘You seem so capable, like you’re just naturally brilliant at everything you attempt, first time.’
‘No.’ He laughed softly. ‘Definitely not.’
She didn’t believe him. He had that aura of surety about him.
‘Most people need to try things a couple of times before they get the hang of it,’ he said lightly, but his gaze was unwavering and unbearably intense.
Suddenly the most inappropriate recollection ran in her head. To make it worse, she had the suffocating feeling he sensed exactly what it was that she was remembering.
Their night. Her first times—all of them with him. And that intimacy, that sweetness, had turned so hot. She’d adored the muffled laughter that they’d shared before she could only moan. It had been the ultimate seduction.
‘I have something for you,’ she said, desperately changing the subject so she wouldn’t be blinded into brainlessness by that smile. Her face burned as she held out the slim booklet she’d hidden behind her back. He took it from her, his eyebrows lifting in silent query.
‘My phone isn’t that great, but I took snaps of Luke all the time this year. Like, hundreds of photos,’ she babbled nervously. ‘I thought you might like some...’
She trailed off as Javier opened the booklet to the first page and then flicked to the next. And suddenly she worried that it would upset him somehow.
‘I didn’t do it to make you see what you’ve missed...’ She bit her lip anxiously, watching him go through the booklet.
He was too quiet. Did he hate it?
‘I hope it’s okay I asked the staff if you had a printer on board,’ she explained.
It turned out there was an entire office suite that was stocked with all the stationery imaginable, including photo paper. She’d borrowed a computer and loaded the photos, compiling and printing them into a small book using a graphics platform—adding captions beneath to explain how old Luke had been and what the milestone or moment was. It hadn’t taken long. The hardest part had been picking which of the many pictures she’d use. She’d even bound it with a piece of ribbon she’d found. But staring at it now, as Javier went through it page by page, ever so slowly, it looked flimsy and excruciatingly home-made.
Embarrassment burned from her skin, through every vital organ and deep into her bones.
‘We can get them printed professionally, of course,’ she muttered hopelessly. ‘I just wanted you to have the pictures now. There are loads more. I’ve put them all onto that computer for you, so you have them digitally as well.’
She felt appallingly vulnerable watching him silently turn each page, inspecting each picture she’d selected. Luke having his first bath. His playful smile. On his tummy. Playing in the sand. Javier went all the way through the booklet to the final page and then returned to the first one. It was a black and white shot and it was the only one that featured her as well.
‘I just included that because it’s the very first picture of him,’ she explained in a rushing whisper. ‘One of the nurses in the hospital took it moments after he was born.’
A very tiny Luke was lying on her chest. She’d been vain enough to print it in black and white so the ravages of childbirth were less obvious on her face. Not that Javier would want pictures of her, of course, but his son. And this pretty much was his son’s first moment alive in the world.
‘Thank you for this,’ he said quietly. ‘The photos are beautiful.’
Awkwardly she bent and put together a few of the loose toys, just to avoid looking at him. ‘I have an app on my phone to override the usual camera settings and amp up the results a bit.’
‘You took these on your phone?’ he asked.
She nodded.
‘You have a good eye for composition.’
‘It helps that I’m completely in love with my subject,’ she muttered dryly. Her son was the absolute light and joy of her life. ‘I have hundreds—you can have them all. I take them, not to get some stylised perfect shot, but to bring that moment back. The emotions, the story behind that stupid pose, or why I was out looking at the sunset that day...an aide-memoire, you know? Not for anyone else but me.’ She realised she was babbling. ‘Sorry to be boring.’
‘I’m not bored. I want to see the photos. I want you to tell me the stories behind them.’
She glanced down at him and then narrowed her gaze. Her little boy was sitting with a curiously fierce expression on his face. She smothered her spreading smile.
‘What is it?’ Javier noticed her reaction and turned to survey Luke’s stillness on the mat.
‘Uh,’ she half laughed
beneath her breath. ‘I think he’s testing your nappy skills.’
‘Seriously?’ Javier looked miffed. ‘I just changed it.’
Emmy leaned forward and sniffed delicately. ‘Um...well, he needs another change.’ She stood.
‘I’ll do it.’ Javier scooped Luke up. ‘But I think we need to be in the nursery.’
Emmy hesitated. ‘You don’t want Thomas to handle this one?’ She followed him through to the nursery. ‘The poor guy’s twiddling his thumbs down on the crew deck.’
‘Dream job.’ Javier sent her an ironically amused glance. ‘I figure, if I can handle this...’
He was determined to learn and be hands-on, not just seeing Luke as ‘his’ in the sense of a possession. And while that ought to please her and she knew it was best for her baby, it scared her too. What if eventually Luke chose Javier over her? She wouldn’t blame him, not when his father could give him so much more than she ever could. She braced against the insecurity eating away at her insides. She had to be better than this—for Luke if nothing else.
‘Do you want me to take a photo of you two, when he’s decent again?’ She bit her lip as she waited for Javier’s answer. ‘You know, as an aide-memoire for this moment?’
Javier’s hands stilled and he glanced her. ‘Sí, thanks.’ He bent over Luke and smothered a groan. ‘But I hope we have gas masks somewhere.’
She chuckled and went to fetch her phone. With his permission she’d take photos any chance she could...mentally working on part two of his photo book. But when she returned, Javier had finished and he passed Luke to her.
‘He needs you. He’s starting to fret.’
Luke curled against her, his grizzling instantly silenced. ‘He’s just tired,’ she explained a little guiltily to Javier.
‘It’s okay, Emmy. I know it’s going to take a little time.’