She wouldn’t blame him if he got back into his car and drove away. He’d hate her for this and maybe he was right to. And wasn’t that what she’d wanted? Hadn’t she done this deliberately to force this kind of response from him?
Yes, she was that much of a coward.
But she left the door to the small cottage open and stood with her back to the door because she couldn’t cope with watching him, waiting to see what he would choose to do. The dog let her know when Alejandro stepped inside. She turned as he barked and saw him run up to Alejandro, his tail wagging crazily as he nuzzled Alejandro’s hand, asking for a pat.
Alejandro complied, but he didn’t look down at the animal. He was too busy staring at her and so obviously keeping himself in check. Emotion burned in his eyes. The trouble was she didn’t know what emotion it was.
‘Are you keeping well?’ he finally asked.
‘I’m fine, Alejandro. I’m okay.’ She walked over to him and closed the door.
He didn’t take a seat, though; he just stood there—too large for this room. Too big for her heart.
She saw his pallor and the torment in his eyes and her willpower broke. She couldn’t help reaching out to cup his jaw. But he flinched and pulled back before she made contact. She curled her fingers into a fist, hurt by his rejection even when she knew she deserved his anger.
She turned away. ‘I’ll put the kettle on,’ she said lamely.
‘Don’t,’ he said shortly. ‘This won’t take long.’
She hadn’t got even halfway across the room. Now she turned back to face him.
‘So there is no one else?’ he said quietly.
She lifted her chin. ‘There’s the baby.’
The emotion in his eyes flared as she referred to it. Confirmed it.
‘I know you don’t want children,’ she said quickly. ‘That’s why I left. I don’t expect anything from you. I never will.’
He turned on his heel, strode to the window and stared out of it at the darkening sky. ‘You didn’t give me a chance. You ran away without talking to me. You have made your decision without me,’ he muttered in a low voice. ‘I suppose there is nothing more to be said.’
Yes, that was what she’d wanted, right? For him to say nothing. For him not to fight. Not to try to ‘step up’ and be the husband and father to her child that secretly she so very badly desired. But having him behave as she’d thought she wanted him to hurt.
‘You might not want this child, but I do,’ she said defensively.
He turned his head and glared at her. ‘You want it for the wrong reasons.’
What wrong reasons? ‘To trap you into paying money to me?’ she guessed wildly. Her hurt morphed into sudden, vicious anger. ‘I said I don’t want anything from you.’
Which was a lie, but what she truly wanted she could never have.
‘You want this baby because you want someone to love you,’ he snapped.
Shocked, she just stared open-mouthed at him, feeling as if she’d been ditched—hanging fifty feet up a cliff with no foothold. ‘I wasn’t the one who didn’t bother with the condom. I wasn’t the one who—’
‘All your life you’ve wanted someone to adore you and now you think you’ve got it,’ he interrupted coldly.
‘I didn’t plan this—’ she fought back.
‘But what are you going to do when it gets hard? Are you going to run away and abandon it when times are tough?’
‘Of course not.’ She flung her head, stung by his attack. ‘And you know what? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be loved.’ She burned inside—so wounded, so bereft. ‘Or with wanting to love someone. At least I’m not afraid to put myself out there and try.’
His nostrils flared as he whirled to face her, his stance widening as he braced.
But she stepped forward, too hurt to stop.
‘You don’t let anyone into your life. Not properly. You basically buy their company with your success and your...skills.’ She saw him flinch but she carried on anyway. ‘It’s not the sex that bothers me. It’s the superficiality. You keep everything shallow so you can’t be hurt.’
He paled in front of her and she felt a twinge of remorse. ‘I cannot imagine the horror you experienced as a child... But you’re stopping yourself feeling anything except shallow pleasure. You use sex as a temporary muscle relaxant. You’re worth more than that.’
And so was she.
‘You don’t understand,’ he said gruffly.
‘Then help me understand. Talk to me.’
‘The way you talked to me?’ He stared at her pointedly.
She slumped into a seat. ‘I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.’ She glanced up at him. ‘I’m sorry if I hurt you.’
‘It’s not about stopping me from getting hurt,’ he muttered. ‘When I came back from New York that first time I was away from you, I was jealous of your brother.’ He closed his eyes for a moment and then looked at her bleakly. ‘I can’t become that obsessed, Catriona. I can’t become that monster.’
She straightened, surprised at his bitter words. ‘You’d never be a monster.’
He threw her a pitying look and shook his head at her naivety. ‘It’s started already,’ he argued. ‘I took you to New York because I couldn’t bear the thought of wondering what you were doing. Who you were with. What I was missing out on. Am I going to become so controlling that I can’t leave you alone? That’s not normal.’
In that moment hope sparked within her. Had he felt that deeply about her? Did he want more than just a temporary fling with her?
He looked tortured. ‘I never wanted to spread the poison that’s in my veins.’
Now she realised the hell he was putting himself through. She put her hand across her belly. ‘This is a totally innocent baby. Just as you were a totally innocent child. You’re not him, Alejandro—you’ll never be him.’
‘I have his eyes.’
‘You have your own eyes. You’re your own person.’ She’d had no idea that this was what he feared. Was this what caused his nightmares?
But he shook his head. ‘I can’t take the risk. I can’t get...’ he glanced down at her body and then back up to her face ‘...I can’t get involved.’
It hurt to hear him say it so bluntly.
‘Are we not worth the attempt?’
He didn’t even want to try. She understood that he was hurt, but it hurt her too. So much. Why couldn’t someone ever love her the way she loved them? What was it that was wrong with her? Why did she have to miss out again?
‘You deserve better than this, Kitty. Better than me.’
That wasn’t true—she deserved better from him.
‘Everybody struggles with their emotions sometimes.’ She attempted a smile as she tried to reason with him. And to be as honest as she could. ‘I’ve been so jealous of all those women of yours. I’ve been so insecure.’ She still was. ‘But I keep on trying. You’re worth it to me. This is worth it.’
‘So worth it, you ran away without giving me any kind of explanation.’ His cheeks looked hollow; he was even paler than before.
‘I was scared.’
‘Of me,’ he said heavily.
‘Not because I thought you’d hurt me physically. It was just that I wanted more than you wanted to give me.’ She drew in her lip and bit down on it hard. But there was no reason to hold back now. ‘I want you to love me. Because I love you.’
He shook his head. ‘That can’t happen.’
‘Because you don’t want to get hurt again?’
‘Because I cannot do to my child what my father did to me,’ he corrected her furiously. ‘He ripped me apart, Kitty. He destroyed everything I had.’
‘Not everything. You’re still here. You’ve rebuilt so much. People get help for all kinds of issues...’ She stood up and walked towards him. ‘Why let him steal your future? Your happiness?’ She reached him, her heart thundering. ‘By shutting yourself away you’re letting him win.’ She gazed into his beautiful troubled eyes. ‘He didn’t want anyone else to have your mother. No one else to have you. You’re letting him win by locking your heart away. You should show him the middle finger and fight to have a full and happy life. You could get some help; I could help—’
‘I can’t be the man you need me to be,’ he snapped. ‘I can’t be him. I just can’t.’