‘You can’t remember anything?’
‘I remember him being close. Suffocating. And I couldn’t push him away.’
Daniel stood unnaturally quiet, and she knew he was reining himself in. She pushed on.
‘They asked me all sorts of horrible questions. I was seventeen, Daniel, and despite my appetite for going dancing I was an innocent seventeen and the doctor examined me and it was awful.’
She felt the tension stringing him out. ‘Were you…?’
‘Still innocent.’ She remembered the relief she’d felt at that knowledge. She’d thought she was OK—had thought there would have to be some physical sign, some feeling, but to know for certain had been so good. But the experience of all those people drilling her with questions, judging her, made her feel stupid, as if she’d done something far worse than go for a dance. As if somehow she’d deserved it. She’d never liked the people who were in charge, but she had truly hated them from that moment on. And she’d been determined from then on never to be controlled by anyone or anything again.
She’d lost belief in herself, lost her faith in the system, and lost her trust in people. Especially men. She’d built up barriers, using her sarcasm, her attitude, as her protective prickles. Ever since she’d been unwilling to open up, to contemplate much in the way of relationships. She was Lucy, the foolish girl who’d never done particularly well with anything, why would anyone want more from her?
At least she knew where she stood with the man cradling her close now. Pretty much nowhere—just another casual fling. Long-term? Not likely.
And that, she told herself, she could handle, but before this ended she wanted some of his strength, wanted some of his brilliance, to rub off on her. She’d love to have just a fraction of the X-factor that meant everything he touched turned to gold.
But she was Lucy. And she was revealing her silly self with every word she spoke.
This was why she never spent more than a few months in any one job, or in any one place. Empty as it was at times. She wanted more, but felt as if people expected her to come up with sub-standard. She refused to respect those in authority because they had never respected her. And it was why she never spent the entire night in a man’s arms—unable to trust enough to rest and relax. She refused to allow anyone to have the power to hurt her—her body, her heart.
But wasn’t that happening right now? Daniel had her ceding that power. Somehow she slept with him—really slept. Somehow she trusted him. Somehow she’d just opened up to him—completely. Man, it scared her.
She forced herself to focus back to that awful time so she wouldn’t panic over how vulnerable she was this very moment. Vehemence coloured her voice as she choked back the emotion. ‘School mates looked at me sideways, stage whispers that I was meant to hear. That I was a slapper. And the thing is I wasn’t, Daniel. Everyone thought I was this loose rebel and I wasn’t. But the way they carried on made me realise how lucky I’d been that nothing much had happened. The courage it must take to get up there and give evidence. I wouldn’t be brave enough to do it.’
‘Yes, you would. You would if you had to.’
‘No, I wouldn’t. And what’s the point? With hotshot lawyers like you out there able to destroy any credibility in a second—the girl who bunked off classes, barely scraping by. Making it all up because she didn’t want to get in trouble or because she’s attention-seeking.’
‘Lucy.’ He ran a finger down her cheek.
She pulled her head away, feeling ultra-defensive, regretting opening her mouth in the first place. ‘I wasn’t on a booze-and-boys bender. Or drugs.’
‘Why did you sneak out?’
‘I liked dancing. I liked the freedom. I hate being told what to do and when to do it all the time. It was just nice to get out and let my hair down—away from all the rules.’ She sighed. ‘Everything is so prescribed. Dictated. I need a little bit of leeway, you know?’
A puff of amusement escaped him. ‘Yes. I know.’
‘Well, when you’ve spent your life being told what to do and when to do it you can’t help but rebel. My father had us like performing monkeys. You should meet my sister.’
‘Why?’
‘She got the brunt of it. I think after a while he realised he wasn’t going to get a golden girl in me, so he hounded her. But with him at home and then the screws at boarding-school…’ She tilted her head, stretching out the strain in her neck muscles. ‘I don’t like to be locked up, Daniel.’
He laughed. ‘Not many people do.’
‘No, and I do like to have fun.’
There was a silence, he held her loosely and she began to soften. ‘It wasn’t your fault, Lucy.’ He spoke softly but her tension flooded back. That was the thing—the self-blame. If only she’d done this, if only she hadn’t done that…
He gave her a gentle shake. ‘It could have happened to anyone.’
She failed to reply, knowing in her head he was right, but unable to stop the feeling he was wrong. She felt fated to fail—always to be the one in the wrong place at the wrong time. Never quite getting it right. Never quite good enough.
‘So this happened, yet you work in bars?’
‘I like seeing people out having a good time. I like helping them have a good time. Welcoming them, making the environment fun.’
‘But things like drinks-spiking probably happen all the time.’
Her inner fighter finally limbered up. ‘Why should I let one creep ruin something I love doing? I love going dancing—millions of us women do. And maybe, just maybe, I can run a tighter ship and stop it happening so much.’
‘How?’
‘Encourage women to drink direct from a bottle with a straw.’ She answered fast and flippant, cracking a smile for the first time. ‘Seriously. It’s harder to slip anything into.’
He smiled back and it made her forget she’d been feeling mad at him. ‘You see, you are brave, Lucy. You are doing something. You get back out there and take them on. You’d go to court if you ever had to. Piece of cake.’
‘No, that’s different. That’s having your life ripped up by arrogant jerks like—’ She broke off.
‘Like me.’ He grimaced. ‘That’s not how it is.’
‘Yes, it is.’ She felt sadness. ‘There has to be a better way.’
‘This is why you don’t want to like me.’
Ouch, he was astute. She bit her lip. ‘It’s not you. It’s what you stand for. I see a guy like you so bright, so talented, and you’re on his side.’
‘It’s not about sides, Lucy.’
‘Yes, it is. You
know it is. It all comes down to who has the better lawyer. Who is the jury more likely to listen to?’
‘If it bothers you that much, why don’t you do something about it?’
‘Like what? I wouldn’t know where to start. But you could, Daniel. You have that brain, you have the knowledge and training and smarts to fix things.’
He laughed. ‘That’s flattering, but…’ He shook his head. ‘I can’t change the world, Lucy, but I can maybe change one person’s world.’
‘No, you can do more than that, Daniel. You can.’
‘You’re talking about a dilemma that’s been debated for years now.’
‘Yeah, but you could do it—I know you could. If someone like you doesn’t try, what hope is there for the rest of us?’ She stared up at him, her eyes searching his, seeing the clarity there in the brown-gold. The brightness in the depths that had her so smitten.
He stared back, unusually silent. He cocked his head. ‘Are you saying you believe in me, Lucy?’
‘Yep. Super powers all the way.’ She rolled her eyes and tried to act as if she’d meant it totally sarcastic.
He chuckled. But his hand reached out and he brushed his knuckles across her cheek. ‘Thank you.’ He spoke softly and smiled.
Oh, dear. Things were going from bad to worse. She was slipping from waist-deep to well over her head. She wanted him and with him like this she wanted even more—like everything. Stupid, because he didn’t have it to give—he’d told her that right at the start. She looked away. ‘I’m sorry. You don’t need all this. You’re in the middle of a case and have enough to be getting on with without me banging on about something that happened years ago.’ She opened her mouth to blether on some more and apologise and try to make light of it, but he stopped her with a finger on her lips.
She stilled, suddenly hit by an unexpected and heady relief from unburdening her load. It mixed with the need to get physical. She should stick to physical with Daniel. Anything more muddied the waters and she was in enough danger of drowning in his magic as it was.
“Don’t.” He ran his finger across her lips, tracing their outline. She fought hard not to touch it with her tongue—desire was kicking high. ‘Will you let me do something?’