“Yeah, I know.” Logan smiled wryly. “So you fell for him?”
She’d been ripe for the picking. “I’d always been shy of social stuff. But he... took it slow with me.” He’d seemed so serious about her. They’d studied together, he’d walked with her. He’d earned her trust.
“But then he proposed?”
“Everyone was shocked. Especially me. My m-mom was thrilled.”
“Is that why you said yes?”
“I was... flattered. Thought I was in love.” She’d said yes because she’d thought she’d be secure. Same silly fault as her mother’s. That she wouldn’t be alone anymore, wouldn’t be judged. Wouldn’t have to prove herself—have to try to be anything but herself.
“Flattered?” he frowned. “And then what happened?”
“I heard them once. Him and his friends. T-t-talking about me.”
Logan shifted, turning so he blocked her view of the aisle. Giving her privacy, the protection of his body and his attention. “Saying what?” he asked very quietly.
“They were asking him... laughing...”
“Asking what?”
Does she stutter when she c-c-c-omes. Does she s-s-s-cream for B-B-B-Bryce...
She could hear the jibes now, as they imitated her. Mocked her.
“If I... could even say his name when we were having sex? If I stuttered when I g-got off?” Min pulled her hand from Logan’s gentle hold and curled her arms across her chest. She winced again as she relieved the moment. She’d wanted to shrivel and disappear completely. “I was so humiliated,” she whispered.
For them to be asking about her sexual performance? For them to laugh about something so deeply personal and private?
“What’d he do?” Logan asked. “He tell them to shut the hell up?”
“He j-just laughed.” Bryce had just laughed. He’d not defended her. He’d not said anything. Whether that was immaturity or embarrassment or outright meanness, she didn’t know or care. Because if he’d really cared for her, he’d have said something to shut them up. Even if he’d just told them to quit it. But he hadn’t. He’d laughed. And joined in.
“Oh, babe. What an immature douche,” Logan pulled her close, wrapping his arms around hers. “How to hit where you’re vulnerable.”
“It shouldn’t matter, but it did.” She’d been insecure enough anyway. To finally try to come out of her shell and then to hear all that?”
“So you broke up with him?”
“Not r-r-right away. I tried... to act more experienced. Better.”
“In bed?” Logan looked shocked, then angered. “You thought you had to—”
“But then I found out he was b-banging another girl anyway.” She interrupted, blinking back sudden silly tears. “I walked into a party and found them in a room. He said he’d made a mistake. That he was too young to be settling. That the ring was the only way he could get m-me to spread my legs.”
He’d made her feel like such a fool. To have fallen for him—to have believed him, trusted him...
“Totally immature,” Logan said grimly. “Total fuck head.”
She’d never thought she’d be engaged for less than a month. But here she was, about to be engaged for less than a week.
What a track record.
Logan breathed in deeply. “So that’s why you’re silent when we’re having sex?”
She nodded. “I’ve lived all my life with my stutter and it’s so much better than it was. I go for days now, with hardly anything,” she whispered. “But it f-flares up sometimes when I least expect it. When I... get nervous or whatever. Because I start thinking about it maybe. But I don’t want to be embarrassed like that. Not at that moment.” She knew it was stupid, but she just didn’t want to go there.
He turned a serious expression towards her. “I would never laugh at you. Not that way.”
She didn’t want him to see her like that. She knew he wanted her to be unconstrained but she wasn’t going to compete with the wannabe pornstars. “I still really like it, you know I d-do...” she felt the blush beating into her cheeks.
He smiled at her, then that teasing gleam lit his eyes. “Does it matter so much what I think?”
How did she answer that? Because it mattered a lot.
“It’s only me.” He shrugged. “I’m just the jerk who’s forced you into a fake engagement and who you’re having sex with for the fun of it. It wouldn’t really matter, would it? No one else would ever know. I would never tease you.”
On one level what he was saying made sense. It shouldn’t matter. But it did. And now, stupidly, the fact that he’d said it wouldn’t matter only made her hurt. It might be only for the fun of it, but she cared about what he thought of her. Too much.
“If you’re staying in control enough to stay silent,” he shook his head. “You’re not really letting go. You’re not really letting it wash over you.”
“I’m letting g-go,” she argued.
He looked skeptical. “Not all the way.”
“Yes all the way.”
Silent, he looked at her. Thinking. “I don’t need words. But I won’t settle for silence. Not every time. It’s not right,” he said. “And you know I love your Marilyn voice.”
“That takes more effort than silence,” she breathed, trying to make him understand. “I have to concentrate on each word. I don’t want to have to concentrate on anything other than how I’m f-feeling.”
He looked at her soberly. “You’ve never been with anyone but him, have you? Not ‘til me.”
She didn’t bother to answer. He knew he was right. He just cursed beneath his breath.
“You... d-don’t regret it?” she asked, feeling small and inexperienced and stupid. And hating it.
“God no. No. Never.” He suddenly smiled and tugged her closer again. His eyes lit up, the rogue element emerged. “You know everyone stutters during sex.”
She nudged him hard with her shoulder.
“I’m serious. They do. Oh, oh, oh. Oh y-y-yeah, YEAH!” He groaned in mock orgasmic relief.
“Sshhhhhh.” She elbowed him this time and slapped her hand over her mouth to stop her sudden giggle. They so weren’t having a reverse When Harry Met Sally moment in the plane.
“Nobody talks properly in bed,” he continued. “That’s kinda not the point.”
“You’re n-not taking this seriously.”
“Sure I am. I’m taking this very seriously. You don’t like to give up your self-control.”
“Yeah, well... you don’t like to have any self-control.”
“Opposites attract.” He winked.
She looked at him and ruefully shook her head. “I never should have told you.”
That totally sobered him up. “Of course you should. You can tell me anything. You know I’m never going to judge.”
“But all I’ve d-d-done is set you another challenge.”
Logan rested his head on the padded seat, cuddling Min as she dozed through the flight. She was right, he did take what she’d said as a challenge.
Not just for him, but for her too. He wanted her to feel nothing but confidence, because she ought to enjoy everything her body was built for. With no doubts, no self-consciousness. She was beautiful.
Now he knew what was holding her back. Now he just had to figure out how to help her. Because he wanted her to be free. And he wanted her to find that freedom with him.
He kissed her to wake her, just before the plane began its descent. He couldn’t get enough of kissing her. A river of delight flowed through him at the thought of being with her for hours and hours. That would be the key. They needed to be utterly alone. Free from the burden of the weekend, they could play, explore, talk, laugh.
Finally alone. No hidden agenda. No game. They could explore whatever this was.
As they sat in the back of the taxi taking them to his apartment, he thought about what she’d said, absently tracing circles on the palm of her hand.
“I can see you plotting,
” she suddenly curled her fingers up to stop him.
He chuckled.
“Seriously. You get this wicked gleam in your eyes.”
He placed his other hand over hers, capturing her fist. “Does it frighten you?”
“No,” she said. “But I’m going to disappoint you.”
“Never.” Never ever.
“We’re going away again?” Min turned to Logan as he placed a steaming cup of coffee on the table next to the bed. “We only g-got back last night.”
And she’d only just had more than two consecutive hours sleep. They’d gone straight to bed the second they’d got back to his apartment. And shouldn’t they be working out their separation plan?
“Yeah, but this is important.” He danced two fingers along her shoulder, and then sat, leaning in close to kiss her.
She wrapped her arms round his neck to keep him close, wriggling as his hands skated south. “More important than catching up on sleep?”
She leaned back, tugging him down with her.
How she could possibly be turned on again when they’d had sex four times though the night and she’d come even more? She ought to be sore and needing space, not more of this hot, sweaty challenge. Instead she snuggled closer, unable to resist rocking her hips into his again and feeling the length of him harden.
She shoved all thoughts of their broken engagement out of her head.
New rule. She was taking it while she could.
“No,” he laughed, and ducked out of her embrace. “An overnight bag is all you need.”