For once he let himself sift through those memories he would never normally recall—the happiness and joy of his parents. Watching them, being loved by them, bathed in security. He’d been so fortunate to have had it at all. Katie hadn’t had any of that. Yet she was the most loving, generous, loyal person he’d met. And so courageous.
Only now she’d run away. And she only ran when she felt she had no other choice. When she was too hurt, too scared to fight.
He had to fight for her.
He had to ensure she had everything she wanted and needed.
He had to be the one to give it to her.
Because he wanted—needed—it from her as well.
Actually, he just wanted her. He’d never wanted anything or anyone more. But when she’d told him she loved him he’d frozen. Not only denying himself, but denying her. His pain worsened. Not for his past, but for his future—his now. He’d failed her.
But that didn’t mean he was going to quit.
Energy and determination surged through his body.
He’d find her. He’d fight for her. And he’d damn well bring her back and tell her his truth—that she was his heart.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
KATIE THREADED THROUGH the crowd of tourists as she headed towards her hostel. The café where she’d been working for the last few days was busy and she was tired. Hopefully that meant she might actually sleep tonight. Because while the long working days were good, they didn’t stop her from thinking about Alessandro all the time, and the small hours alone and awake at night were the worst.
‘I’ve finally found you.’
‘Oh!’ She lurched to a stop in the middle of the footpath.
‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to give you a fright.’
Alessandro had materialised out of nowhere. Tall, stubbled, intense and far too intimidating, in black trousers and an open-collared shirt.
Slack-jawed, she stared. A too-powerful thud walloped her heart. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘How could you just vanish?’
She blinked rapidly at the reproach in his eyes. ‘I didn’t mean to worry you.’
‘Didn’t you?’ Anger flashed across his face. ‘Or did you think so little of me you thought I wouldn’t worry at all?’
She swallowed as her anger surged in response. She’d told him what she thought of him and he’d dismissed it as a crush.
‘Why run away and hide?’ he growled. ‘You said all those things and didn’t give me the chance to—’ He broke off and visibly sought for control. ‘I thought I could keep this... I don’t think I can.’ He jerked his head in the direction of the hostel. ‘You’re staying there?’
She nodded.
‘Living the life you’ve missed out on until now?’ His lips compressed.
‘Living a life, yes. Working at a job I got for myself, spending money I’ve earned.’
He gazed at her for a moment, and slowly the faintest suggestion of a smile flickered in his eyes. Then he took a careful breath. ‘I’m in the hotel across the road. Will you come there so we can talk?’
‘You have something to say now?’ she asked smartly.
‘As it happens, I do. I’ll do it here if I have to, but I think we’d both prefer some privacy.’
Heat flared, skimming over not just her skin but every muscle, every organ. That electricity had always been a strong current within her and she had to resist. ‘I don’t think that’s wise.’
‘I thought you’d discovered your courage, Katie?’ he dared softly.
She stared back at him, knowing how much he enjoyed challenging her. How much she enjoyed it too. His expression slowly altered, revealing something more—something she truly didn’t have the courage to face.
‘Give me a chance, dolcezza.’
And that she couldn’t resist. Even though she was more terrified than at any time in her life. Not even Brian’s worst threats had made her feel this vulnerable.
Hardly aware, she crossed the street with him. The silence simmered, thickening the air while time twisted. Her pulse raced but her breathing felt slow, and all of a sudden they were alone.
His hotel suite was too quiet, too small for comfort despite its opulent spaciousness. She crossed the room to the window and looked down at the bustling Edinburgh streets as her panic rose.
What was the point in this? Why rehash that pain of what had been said...and not said?
She wasn’t ready to face him. Why did seeing him now hurt even more than when she’d walked out?
‘Katie?’
She closed her eyes against the soft contrition she heard in his voice. This wasn’t what she wanted.
‘Katie, I’m sorry—’
‘Don’t pity me,’ Katie whispered sharply, screwing her eyes closed. It was too much.
‘Actually, I’ve been feeling sorry for myself.’
He’d moved closer—she could feel him right behind her. But she didn’t turn and face him. She didn’t want to listen.
‘I’ve had a chance to think...’ he added slowly. ‘And I think I like being married.’
Her heart lurched, and then anger scorched it. ‘Go find someone you want to marry, then,’ she wheezed.
‘I already have.’ He put his hands on her shoulders. ‘Katie, dolcezza, breathe.’
She couldn’t step back—couldn’t escape. ‘Don’t...’
She shook her head, glancing over her shoulder—beyond him—to the door so far across the room.
‘Don’t run away again.’ He applied a little pressure until she pivoted to face him. ‘I let you down with my silence the other day and I’m sorry for that. I just... I was just so stunned. Please don’t run away. Stay so we can talk.’ He drew in a shaking breath. ‘I needed time before you left. I need just a little more now.’
Her flare of defiance faded. Her whole body hurt too much—her throat felt so tight she couldn’t speak. He looked more serious than she’d ever seen him, the blue of his eyes deep and almost bruised.
‘You’ve been waiting all your life for someone to love you the way you ought to be loved. I am so sorry I’ve made you wait longer.’
Her eyes suddenly filled. Stinging unwanted tears that she had to hide, even as she ached to lean forward and wrap her arms around him, to forgive him anything, accept anything, and never let him go no matter what. She wanted to hope.
But she couldn’t let herself. She couldn’t even look at him.
‘Please, don’t...’ Swallowing hard, she wrapped her arms around her waist and bent her head to stare hard at the floor.
He cupped her face in hands so gentle it was as if he were afraid she might disappear before his eyes. It was the lightest of caresses that compelled her to look back up at him.
‘Dolcezza, don’t cry.’
‘You shouldn’t have come here. You shouldn’t have...’ She looked into his blue eyes and a tear slipped down her cheek. ‘It’s not fair.’
‘Life isn’t always fair, is it? Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. Sometimes we just run away.’ He edged nearer, his voice dropping. ‘And sometimes we throw the game because we’re afraid of winning.’ He shook his head ever so slightly. ‘I threw the game, Katie. And I wasn’t fair to either of us. I couldn’t be honest with you before because I couldn’t be honest with myself. I couldn’t bear to face how much you mattered to me.’
She couldn’t keep up—couldn’t accept what she thought he was trying to say. She only heard the resistance. ‘You don’t want to care about me.’ And it hurt so much.
‘I didn’t want to care about anyone.’
He didn’t deny it, but he didn’t let her go. Rather he stepped nearer, until his eyes were only inches from hers and his breath warmed her face.
‘I didn’t even realise how safe I was playing. I thought I had it all figured out. But you were
right. I was just afraid. Underneath it all I was empty—maybe I’d never got past that hurt from years ago. But I thought I could handle you. I thought I was doing you a favour—what a hero, right? The truth was I wanted you and I knew you wanted me. I thought it could be an affair like any other...’
‘It was an affair.’ She made herself say it. ‘Our marriage was never real.’
‘Actually, it was. It is.’ He brushed away her tear with the backs of his fingers in the lightest of touches. ‘Our feelings are real, Katie.’ He gazed at her. ‘My feelings are real.’
Her eyes filled all over again and she rapidly blinked. ‘Don’t—’
‘You were too generous in saying I’d sought solace in the past... I think I was being selfish. I avoided getting close to anyone, subconsciously protecting my heart, because...poor me... I’d been hurt. But who hasn’t in life? I was just taking what I wanted and giving little in return. I was a jerk.’
His self-recrimination shocked her. ‘No. You were just...living. And then you helped me. You did everything I asked of you—’ It was just that she’d asked for too much.
‘Only the easy things—money, sex... But real caring? The way you care for people?’ He leaned closer. ‘I didn’t even realise what that was until you showed me. Not until I was doing it for you without even realising—’
‘I don’t want you to feel you have to take care of me any more,’ she interrupted fiercely. ‘I don’t want you to rescue me.’
‘Who’s rescuing who, Katie?’ he asked.