And I've never even told her those things.
Without another word, I bend down and lift her in my arms, carrying her back to her bedroom. She leans her head on my shoulder and the move touches me.
Laying her on the bed, I tell her, "Get under the covers."
I strip out of my clothes but leave my boxers on. I want her to understand this isn't about sex right now. Crawling into bed beside her, I pull her into my arms so her face is lying against my heart.
Taking a breath, I say, "I don't know where this is going, Renner. But I don't want to leave the path we're on. I want to see what's in the future for us."
She's quiet for a moment, digesting my words. "I don't feel like I belong in your world. And my world isn't much... I work in a bar. I just don't see what we have other than sex. Which don't get me wrong... it's great. The best ever. But I'm thinking that's all it will ever be."
I reach up with my hand and cover her mouth to get her to stop talking. Pushing her back so I can see her face, I tell her, "We have more than just sex, Renner."
"Really?" Her voice sounds so hopeful, if not muffled by my hand, so I remove it.
"Yes, really. Granted, nine times out of ten when I think of you, I think about how sexy you are and how much I love being inside of you. But I'm happy just lying here like this with you, too. I just like being around you."
"But... I really don't know a lot about you. I mean... you know all about my family, but I know nothing about yours."
And so begins the test.
The test to see whether or not this girl is really more than just an amazing fuck, or if there is something deeper as I suspect. Because I don't talk about my family with anyone. I'm not sure exactly what's going to come out of my mouth, but there's only one way to find out what this girl can incite me to share.
Pulling Renner back down to my chest, I begin, "My early years growing up were nice. I was an only child. My mam was from England and she had only one sister who has never been married and doesn't have any kids. My da is a Dubliner and he's an only child. So our family wasn't very big. I didn't have cousins the way you do. My parents met at university. In fact, that's how I know Keefe. He was good friends with my parents as they were all friends at Trinity together."
I can feel her actually smile against my chest and it makes me hurt that she's not going to be smiling for long. It also makes me long for the type of family she has. She talks about them so much, I feel as if I know them.
"My dad was an executive at Guinness. He made a lot of money and we had a nice lifestyle. And life was great... for a while anyway."
I'm getting to the not-so-nice part about my family, and she knows it by the tone of my voice. I can feel her stiffen slightly in my embrace. I stroke my hand down her arm, and I'm not sure if it's to comfort her or me.
I clear my throat, because the next part is hard. "My da was an alcoholic. And I think there was some mental illness there too, although I was too young to understand it. Over time, his behavior became erratic...abusive."
Renner sits up in my arms suddenly and looks at me a bit wildly. Putting her hands on my chest, she exclaims, "You don't have to tell me!"
"Shhh. I want to tell you."
She leans in and kisses me softly, pulling back to stare a moment in my eyes. They are filled with compassion and it tugs at something deep inside of me. I push her back down to my chest, because I honestly don't know if I can continue when she's looking at me like that.
When she settles, I continue. "Da became abusive. By the time I was thirteen, he was regularly beating my mom. I would try to stop him, but then he'd turn on me. Still...I'd rather have him hitting me than Mam. She was so tiny... it was hard for her to take. Sometimes his behavior bordered on sadistic. Once when I was fifteen, I came home from a friend's house and found him holding her down, burning her with a cigarette. I went nuts. I picked up a kitchen chair and hit him over the back with it. It didn't even seem to faze him. He picked up a clock from the mantel and hit me in the face. He fractured my jaw on both sides. That's when Social Services got involved."
"What happened next?" she asks in a whisper.
"A lot of legal stuff, but I ended up with Keefe and his family for a few years while my da tried to put himself back together. He tried rehab a few times, bouncing in and out. Finally, it seemed to work. He went for about six months sober, and my mam felt he was stable enough for me to come home. That was about the time I was getting ready to graduate from secondary school, which is our equivalent of your high school. And it was good when I went home. Da seemed like the person I remembered from when I was younger."
I trail off, clinging to those few months when my memories were good. My da was back working again, although he'd long lost his job at Guinness. He and my mam seemed happy and I was happy. I clearly remember that.
"But it didn't last," she guesses, shaking me back to the present.
"No," I agree. "It didn't last. He started backsliding right before I graduated. It would start with him drinking a beer... insisting he could just have one. Then one became two, and then two became three. It wasn't a quick spiral; it was just gradual enough that Mam sort of got sucked back into the process. It's amazing how quickly she could forget the horrible things that could happen when he got drunk."
"Sometimes, it's hard for us to see the bad when we really are hoping for the best in people."
"That's true enough. But I didn't stick around to see how it played out. I left for London fairly soon after graduation, staying with friends, playing impromptu gigs with various bands. It was my summer of fun before I started at The Royal Academy."
Renner sits halfway up to look at me. "Not to get off track, but how did you get into there?" Her voice is wondrous and a little disbelieving and it makes me chuckle.
"I see you doubt my talents."
"No," she assures me. "It's just... that's a really prestigious place. I've seen your talent...I know you have it. I just assumed you had to have some really great connections to get in."
"Well, you do have to have some connections, plus a bit of talent. Keefe is the one that encouraged me to apply, and thanks to Keefe's firm hand when I lived with him, my grades were quite good. We also had a great music program at my school, so I had some really good recommendations. And, I'm assuming they liked my auditions. I auditioned for their Composition program and made it in."
Renner pulls completely out of my grasp and sits on the bed cross-legged and facing me. "And you told me why you dropped out. To pursue making music with OTE."
"That's right. And I never looked back."
I'm quiet, because we've been sidetracked off the real story, and I'm not sure I really want to finish it. It was a lot easier when she was lying with her head on my chest so I didn't have to look into her green eyes.
Reaching out, she picks up one of my hands and starts stroking it. She runs her fingers over my palm, rubbing her thumb on my wrist. She even grazes her knuckles along mine, in an attempt to soothe me.
"Finish the story about your parents," she says quietly.
I stare at her a moment, knowing that I'm entering into new territory. It's frightening yet I also want to lay everything out on the table. To see if what we have is real.
To see if she can know my horrors and still want to be near me.
Sitting up in bed, I drag my free hand through my hair. "My parents didn't like the fact I dropped out of university. We argued constantly about it, and it kept me away from home. My mam was a bit more understanding, but my da would rage at me any time I called. I could tell he was drunk half the time. I tried to get Mam to tell me how things really were, and she assured me that it was okay. I chose to believe her rather than go home and deal with it. So I stuck my head in the sand and continued pursuing my dreams."
I stop for a moment and look at Renner. Her eyes are filled with worry, because I've been dragging out the last few lines of my story, dreading the ultimate conclusion. She doesn't say anything, just continues t
o rub my hand and watch me.
"Apparently things weren't that great. My mam was hiding a lot from me. Neighbors later told me that they heard vicious arguments coming out of the house, things being thrown...screams. One night... Da got really drunk... I don't know all the details, but he pulled a gun out and shot my mam. Then he turned it on himself and finished my family for good."
Renner lets out a strangled cry and her hand drops mine, covering her mouth. Tears immediately fill her eyes and start pouring down her face. I watch her mourning for me and my heart twists in a painful knot.
She propels herself to her knees and leans forward, gently taking my face in her hands. She leans in close, wetness coating her cheeks in silvery rivers. "I'm so sorry, Cillian. So, so, sorry."
A sob escapes her mouth and I finally react. I pull her in to hug my chest, feeling her tears soaking into my skin.
"It's okay," I assure her as I stroke her hair. "I've made my peace with it."
"No," she says, shaking her head. "How do you ever make peace with that?"
"Shhh," I reassure her. "I made peace with it because it's done and it was probably beyond my control."
She goes still in my arms and then she leans back to look at me. Her eyes and nose are red, and she drags the back of her hand across her face to wipe at the tears.
"Control," she says in understanding. "That's why you like to be in control."
It's a statement, not a question, and she now knows and understands something about me that no one else gets.
"Yes. It's why I have to be in control. Because if I'm not...bad things can happen."
CHAPTER 19