Giving a smile to Maeve, I leave her room and head down the hall. My thoughts immediately go to Renner and I wonder what she's doing. I've missed seeing her the last two days, a sentiment that is made only stronger by the extreme crappiness I've been embroiled in during that time.
CHAPTER 7
Renner
It's been a stressful couple of days for me. Cormac keeps texting me and I haven't responded. It's not that I don't want to.
It's that I don't know how to.
I have no clue what to say, and my feelings are all over the place.
His words sound so sincere... so promising. There is a small part of me that feels a pull toward him. I mean, we had a great six months together. I believe there was love there, even though he lied to me.
Now he's telling me that he wants to make it work. Well, for that to be true, that means he had to have left his wife. Is that what he's really saying? Or perhaps she left him. The thought that he is pursuing me should make me feel flattered. Yet, this whole situation really makes me feel sort of sick with despair. I had moved on from this part of my life, and now the wound has been re-opened.
Cormac didn't just lie to me about being married. He lied about the entire nature of our relationship. He threw me under the bus, and didn't look back to see the damage he inflicted. Well, at least he didn't look back until now.
I'm also slightly annoyed because I haven't seen or heard from Cillian in two days. I'm annoyed at him for ignoring me, particularly after he had been so patiently stalking me, and especially after that kiss.
I'm annoyed at myself for being annoyed, because that kiss really didn't mean anything. I specifically remember that night, when I demanded he kiss me, I did so with the thought in my mind that this would be a one-time only thing. Just to satisfy my curiosity, so to speak.
After he had left, it only took me about an hour to reason to myself that, while the kiss was mind blowing and potentially off the charts, orgasm inducing, I really shouldn't get involved with him. He's dangerous, because for some reason, he has the innate power to control me beyond any sound reasoning. While my mind is exhibiting sound judgment right now, I'm afraid my body is going to rebel if I'm in his presence again.
I'm also confused about Cillian because some things are getting turned around in my head. For example, I thought a lasting relationship came from finding a man that was stable in his career. That translated to me someone that practiced commitment, hard work, and dedication. I thought Cormac was the epitome of those traits, and yet the only thing he was committed to was apparently deceiving his wife and me.
Cillian on the other hand?
Well, at first glance, he seems everything that would be antithetical to my wants. He's a rocker, he lives on the road for much of the year, and he lives a party lifestyle. He's arrogant, sometimes rude, and he's trying to sexually dominate me. I should not want any part of those things.
Yet, and I find this to be completely ironic, Cillian has achieved great success in his young years. And the only way he could have achieved that is through commitment, hard work, and dedication.
Confusing indeed.
And, most stressful of all, has been the fact that I have not stopped thinking about the way Cillian kissed me... the way my body and mind reacted to that kiss. It may have been short but it was explosive. At least, to me it was.
Cillian I'm not sure about since I haven't heard from him and I feel like I'm getting the brush off. If that's the case, that will make twice this man has turned fickle on me, which doesn't help the battered self-esteem Cormac left behind.
If I was a smart girl, I would steer clear of Cillian O'Bradaigh and hope his interest in me has worn off.
Trying to put all these thoughts out of my mind, I flop on my couch and pick up a magazine. I'm bored yet I have no energy to get up and do anything. Teagan had a seminar to attend in London and Cady went with her for a few days, so I'm pathetically hiding out in my apartment on my day off.
When my doorbell rings, I roll off the couch and shuffle to the front door. Looking through the peephole, my heart picks up its pace when I see Cillian on the other side. I have no clue why he's here. I don't know whether to be mad he's ignored me, or terribly excited that he's come by.
Taking a deep breath, I open the door. I don't even have time to sort out my feelings because Cillian's hands snake out. One wraps around my waist and the other cups the back of my head, pulling me to him. His mouth covers mine and he literally bends me backward, giving me the deepest, hottest kiss I've ever had in my life. The moment his tongue invades my mouth, he lets out a groan that seems to emanate from deep inside of him and that sound completely melts my insides. I don't want to, but my hands do what they want and wrap around his neck to hang on.
The kiss is demanding, and yet he seems to be seeking something from me. Something more than just the immediate gratification of his desire.
But no sooner has the kiss started then Cillian straightens up his body, pulling me up flush with him. His kiss lightens until he's just nibbling on my lips, an action I find to be sexy and endearing at the same time. He finally pulls his lips away and rests his forehead against mine.
"God, I needed that," he says. He sounds tired.
I pull away to look at him. "Where have you been?" I hope my question sounds merely curious and not accusing in any way.
He releases me and rubs the back of his neck with one hand, as if he has the weight of the world resting there.
"I had some crap to take care of. Can I come in?"
Crap to take care of? And that was more important than calling me or seeing me, especially after we shared that pantie-shredding kiss?
I cross my arms over my chest and block the entrance to my apartment. Now that his body is removed from mine, some of my common sense is returning. I'm now remembering why I tend to shy away from men like Cillian. He's too unpredictable. Unreliable. He has the power to disappoint me.
"I don't think that's a good idea," I say, hoping my words don't betray the desire my body is still feeling and very much wants to invite him in.
He tilts his head to the side and narrows his dark eyes at me. "The way you kissed me just now says different. Why the cold shoulder?"
My own eyes narrow back at him. "Cold shoulder? I find it funny you would accuse me of that."
Cillian sighs and rubs his neck again. "Look. I'm sorry I haven't been to see you. But something important did come up. Trust me when I say I would have rather been with you. I would have rather been anywhere than where I was."
Something about his voice weakens my resolve just a bit. I don't know if he would have rather been with me, but I don't doubt by the tone of his voice that he did not enjoy whatever it was he was doing. "Come on in and I'll make some tea. And you can tell me all about it."
I step aside to let him pass but he does
n't move. "It's not something I really want to talk about."
Um... yeah... that's just not going to do.
"Then you can just be on your merry way then. You kissed me the other night, Cillian, and it was good. No, that's not right. It was great. It was a kiss that told me something better was to come. It was a kiss that convinced me to possibly give you a chance. But I'll be damned if I'm going to be strung along and I'll be damned if I'm going to be available for your whims. You can either convince me that the something else was more important, or you can get the hell gone."
I hold my breath, waiting for his reaction. I'm not even sure if I really care which direction he will choose. Part of me wants to expand my horizons and see what this insane attraction is that's brewing between us. But another part of me, the part that is still the safe, responsible Renner Caldwell, wants him to turn tail and run. That ultimately would be the easiest on me.
My options to Cillian are to leave or to come in and tell me where he was. He chooses to do neither.
Instead, he moves so fast, I don't even have time to register what he's doing. His hands come and grip my head. His mouth comes down on me brutally, pushing my lips apart while he starts walking me backward into my apartment.
I'm vaguely aware he kicks out with a booted foot to slam my door shut. He continues walking me backward until I'm flush up against my living room wall.
The halt in my backward progress doesn't stop him. He merely reaches down with one hand, wraps it under my ass, and hauls me up so that my core is pressed up against his hardness. He does this without even breaking the kiss, thoroughly intent on exploring every inch of my mouth with his tongue.
When my legs just dangle there, he rips his mouth away from mine and growls in frustration, clearly wanting me to wrap myself around him. But he doesn't wait to give me the opportunity to make the choice on my own. Instead, he pins my body to the wall with his hips and says in a voice rich with dark lust, "Put your fucking legs around me, Renner, or I'll do it for you."
It's hard for me to describe what Cillian's words do to me. They touch something that lives in a dark place, deep inside of me. They awaken something in my body that I didn't know was sleeping. With absolute certainty that my brain and common sense have been completely overtaken by this man's sinful charm, whatever that thing is inside of me bursts forth in response to his demand and my legs wrap around his waist and squeeze him tight.