The anger returns with a vengeance. “You think a cup of cocoa will fix this?” My parents wear matching expressions of sadness. It just peeves me off even further. I screech, “You think a sandwich or a fucking cookie will fix this?”
Mom starts, “Baby, I-”
Looking away, I order, “Out.” Mom stops talking. I repeat, “Get out.”
We sit in silence for a minute before my parents, obviously hurt, stand to leave. When I hear them move towards the door, I call out, “I want Terah. Bring me Terah.”
I need my sister.
***
Seven hours later…
Tired, sore, and seriously pissed off, I roll my eyes when I hear a faint knock at the door.
I’m tired because of the sedatives they’ve been feeding me. I’m sore because my forearm, knees, and forehead are torn to shreds. And I’m pissed off because I want to go home where I can mourn the death of my boyfriend in peace. I bark, “What?” before turning to the door.
At the sight of my equally tired sister, I gasp. She offers a small smile, then asks, “Can I come in?”
Not trusting myself to speak, I nod and she walks over to me. Climbing onto the bed, she sits close to me, sitting up. Her arms open to me. I look at her through glossy eyes before I sink into her, resting my cheek onto her chest.
Terah rocks me gently, placing soft kisses on top of my head.
So many thoughts drift through my head, but regardless of how many there are, they always come back to Nox. A sob bursts out of me.
Then another.
And another.
Terah coos, “I’m so sorry, kid. I love you so much. I’m so glad you’re safe.”
She rocks me as I cry openly and freely for well passed an hour. Finally calming, I ask, “Where’s Jett?”
Her body stiffens at his name. No doubt Jonathon told her about what his plan was. After a moment’s silence, she says, “Gone, sweetie. They both are.”
Taking a moment for that to sink in, I realize I’ll be mourning for more than one person today. “How?”
Terah’s voice hitches, “Jamie was found in the apartment. Two gunshot wounds to his chest. Jett got too close to the explosions at the safe house you were kept at. He bled out on the back lawn. Jon said he had glass shrapnel all over his body. A shard of glass pierced his stomach.”
Sounding a little too indifferent, she states, “Jon said it would’ve been a painful way to die.”
I simply nod.
I need to change the subject. I can’t stand to talk about this, or even listen to it. Sniffing, I ask, “You coming home or you staying with Jon?”
The mood in the air changes. She cuddles me to her. “No, kid. I’m staying with you. We’re going home.”
I love her for that, but explain quietly, “I don’t know how long home will be home for.”
And she gets me. Offering her support, she states, “As long as you stay, I’ll stay, too. If you move on, I’ll move on, too. We’ll do it at your pace, honey. There’s no rush.”
Twelve hours later with clearance from the doctor, we head for home.
Chapter Twenty
That’s life
Lily
I can’t eat.
I can’t sleep.
I want to die.
Chapter Twenty-One
A new beginning
Lily
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
***
Terah uses her knees to push the sofa to the right. Stepping back, we both tilt our heads and look. Both shaking our heads, we return to the sofa, and push further left.
Stepping back again, we survey our handy work. We smile at each other.
It’s perfect.
Okay, so that’s completely laughable. And if you saw my apartment, you’d understand why.
My father is devastated.
He begged me not to move. His begging turned into threats. I grew sick of the arguing, and decided silence was the better option. The day after I told him about the apartment, he sent me an email saying he’d added funds to my account to help me start my new life, and to please be safe.
Yep. An email.
We haven’t spoken much since I came home.
But I was glad he gave in. Not that I need his permission.
The thrill of victory I’d told myself I’d feel never actually came. There was a small part of me that felt guilty for taking that money, but the larger part of me said I needed to do this. I need to live my life. That’s the part I listened to.
Mom, on the other hand, decided she was going to spend every waking moment with me from the time I got home, until the time I was cured. Cured of my heartbreak.
My brain rolls its eyes.
And although I appreciate what she was doing, this was something I needed to do on my own. Being my mom, she wants me to have the best of everything.
I told her that the most content people didn’t have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything they’ve got.
I have a small, one-bedroom apartment in the city. It’s central to everything. I bought most of my furniture and housing accessories second-hand. I’ve learned to live on a budget, and got a job as a server at a steak house nearby.
My life is flawed. My job is hard. The wages are small. But I love it.
I am finally living.
I miss the days when things were simple.
Too much has happened. There are so many things that my mind will not let me forget. Constant reminders of the past few months haunt me.
My heart palpitates. I squeeze my eyes shut and breathe deeply. My therapist gave me breathing exercises and it surprised the shit out of me that they actually work.
In, two, three, four.
Out, two, three, four.
In, two, three, four.
My heart rate slows, and I take in a deep breath. I hold it for another four seconds, then exhale and go back to what I was doing.
Taking the box closest to me, I hand it to Terah with a smirk. She and Jon moved in together. Location unknown because of his hottie commando badassness. But I’m happy for her. And she made it clear that all I needed to do for her to come around was call.
So I called. And here she is.
“God, I hate moving. It sucks hairy balls,” she mutters, then quickly adds, “But it’s so exciting! The both of us out of Mom and Dad’s house, and actually doing things.” She pauses a moment. “Dad’s probably going to sell the mansion.”
He should. That house is more trouble than it’s worth. And to think he got it only for security. I chuckle to myself, thinking about how quickly Nox got in.
My heart sinks. Then palpitates. Hard.
I can almost feel it beating out of my chest.
Holy shit, will this ever get easier?
The bridge of my nose stings. I quickly start my breathing exercises. Terah, never one to miss anything, rubs my back. “Nice and deep, kid. I got you.”
And she does. Totally.
Terah has been my rock in this miserable time.
My heart returns to normal pace, and I check my watch. “You better go. Jon will be waiting on you.”
When she doesn’t reply, I look up at her clearly concerned face. She says with false excitement, “I was thinking I could stay here tonight. We can do a sleepover! Watch movies and eat popcorn. What do you think?”
Bless her. I love this woman. I really do.
But I know what she’s doing. So I lie right back to her. Stretching, I say cautiously, “Oh, honey. I’m sorry, I’d love to, but I am beat. As in beat. So I think I might just have a quiet one tonight. Besides, I have the morning shift at work tomorrow.”
Lies. Lies. All lies.
But this is the game we play of late.
Her face falls. And it actually looks genuine. Placing a hand on her shoulder, I squeeze. “Terah, I’m fine. Go home to your man. What are you doing tonight?”
She smiles dreamily, “It’s date night. We’re going t
o dinner, then out for a drink. Maybe some ice-cream or something.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal. But I know better.
Walking over to her, I open my arms, and she steps into my hug. “That’s great. I bet he spoils you.”
She chuckles into my hair. “He does. He’s the best.”
We leave it at that. Anymore talk about happy relationships turns my mood to shit.
Seeing her to the door, I wave her off, and halfway down the hall, she yells out, “We’re such shitty liars. We totally need lessons!”
And I burst into laughter, loving that we do this every single time.