I held her head close to my chest as I took her phone and quickly read the e-mail. Oh no. This wasn’t good. This wasn’t good at all. Guilt pained my stomach and I felt like it was my fault about the whole ordeal. But something waved its pointer finger in front of my intuition inside. I got these sometimes, these hits during times of crisis. My grandfather always told me to pay attention when an angel of inspiration is taping at your head. Sometimes crisis points the way to truth, yelling loudly, because otherwise you wouldn’t see it, hear it, or know of another option. Pain gets our attention and waves us off autopilot. It’s in crises when you take a closer look at things out of necessity or sheer stress. Stress is what makes a rock become a diamond. Stress is what causes an egg to boil. I knew I had to say something about this.
“Babe, I’m sorry. I really am.” I sucked in a deep breath and ran my fingers through my hair. She looked so sad, as distressed as someone who loses their pet of ten years. Did this really mean that much to her? Something told me she was running from something inside. Just like she ran away to escape the pain and craziness of my family.
“What situation? About my PHD going caput? About my dream vanishing? About being professionally known now by an entire circle of intellectuals as a flake out? A partier? A liar? A…Woody Allenish…person? Falling in love with her own family—”
I held up my hands softly.
“She was his adopted daughter. Remember that. And this is different. We are—were— step siblings very closely around the same age that met when we were both almost twenty.”
A crack of lightning boomed so loud even I cringed. It only added to the doom and gloom.
“My grandfather taught me a lot about life. You never got to meet him or have the privilege to know him but he isn’t anything like my father.”
“Okay?” She looked so confused, almost slightly at her wits’ end. Maybe annoyed.
“But he was wise. He read a lot of books and had a lot of great mentors. You know, because of him we have our companies.”
“Yeah?”
“Well, sometimes it’s in a crisis, such as this, where we’re given the gift to look at where we are headed in life, and given the option to choose a different path.”
“Where I’m headed in life now is nowhere! Nowhere!” She was really cute when she was dramatic like this.
“You have no idea how I just want to throw you over my shoulder right now, take you to our bed, spread your smooth legs open and lick you like you like it until you pass out. Especially when you get excited like this.”
“You think this is all a game, don’t you? I’m not a trust fund baby like you. I’m not of wealth.”
“But you could have been throughout this time. What’s ours has always been yours.”
“I didn’t want this money.”
“Why? He loved you like a daughter. He did. He loved your mom like crazy. Kate, you will always have access to our money. Especially now. Especially—”
“But I don’t want blood money. You know that. You know how I feel ethically about everything.”
“We aren’t all like that. I’m changing that, you know.”
“It feels like blood money.”
“And as you saw on the press conference. I’m changing all of that. We’re gravitating away from this very important life lesson here. I—”
“I don’t want a lecture okay, Bradley? I just…I have to salvage this. I can’t not get my PHD.”
It’s now or never. I sucked in another breath and readied myself for the delivery. I reached for her hands and looked squarely in her tear-filled eyes.
“Listen, is this really what you want to be doing with your life?”
“Wh…wh…what? Of course it is!” She pulled away from me. Her hazel eyes were light green from crying. I kissed her forehead but she pulled away from me.
“Why would you even say that to me?”
“Because you’re talented, that’s why. And maybe this is a sign.”
“Maybe what is a sign?”
“Ever since I’ve known you, you have had your own voice. When I met you, you weren’t studying other authors’ work, you journaled. You wrote your own stories.”
“How did you know that?”
“Because I just know, okay? And after that play we saw together, I know you wrote your own first act of something really good.”
“Were you snooping in my room sometimes?”
“A lot of times, okay? I’m coming clean. I’m being honest. But I know an artist when I see one. Do you really want to know the real truth about how I feel about this matter?” She looked at me with big doe eyes.
“Because even if you don’t want to know about how I feel, I’m going to tell you. I think this whole academic thing is a ploy. It’s a safety net. You’re able to live, but not really be seen, therefore you won’t be hurt. But do you know what the problem is with hiding from yourself sometimes? Sometimes in hiding from your own self, you lose sight of who you are and you don’t even recognize who you are, therefore you don’t know where you’re going.”
“I…I knew where I was heading but…”
“Analyzing other people’s work is great. Don’t get me wrong. It’s fantastic. But if my grandfather sat around analyzing all the great shoemakers of his day and never ventured to create his own and to leave his own fingerprint on design, well, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I think you’re meant to share with the world, that’s right the world, your stories and thoughts about life.”
“I’m…not hiding….”
“Kate, let’s be real with yourself. With me. With the world. You don’t like the world knowing about you. You don’t like the world knowing what’s inside. I know what happened between us years ago caused you to put a buffer between things, and you sealed your heart. But come on. I know you feel resonance with what I am saying to you.”
“Even if I am…even if I do, what good will it does? I still have this suddenly public situation now to face. The whole world will know who I am now. And now, no offense, they’re going to hate me. How am I supposed to write, then?”
“You’re the most loveable person I know. And I’m changing my family’s legacy.”
“You make it sound like I’m hiding out. Like I’m weak or something. I promise you I’m not weak. If you know what I’ve…I’ve been through.”
Her hurt panged my heart like a dagger. I wanted it to all wipe away, her slate to be clean.
I reached for her hands and pressed them to my lips. “On the contrary, the strongest people have shells for two reasons: to protect themselves to stay focused and on track and to stay resilient.”
“I…I didn’t know you were this deep. This philosophical.”
“As I said last week, there’s a lot you never got to know about me. But please don’t let this news keep you away again from something special. From us.”
Her quick breaths returned, heaping quick breaths. And I wondered if I pushed her too far.
“I…I can’t think about all of this right now. I need some time. The truth is, I don’t know if we…if this is going to work. I can’t handle things like this.”
Nah uh. No sir. I wasn’t going to let her go that easy.
“And tell me, Kate. If we weren’t once step siblings, would you then give us a chance?”
“We would have never met.”
“Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps this is meant to be and you’re using this all as a way to protect your heart because you’re afraid of being hurt.”
Chapter 25
KATE
* * *
“So what? Maybe I am afraid of being hurt. I am! Is it so bad to admit that?” The tears stung and I hated the lump in my throat. This was why I protected myself and hid myself in books. But even as I said that and I looked at his face, I knew a part of me wanted to risk everything if it meant we could be together. But a part of me was definitely afraid. Definitely.
“Well, you don’t have to be with me.”
“
Why’s that?”
“Because I told you. I love you. There’s no other woman for me. I want you by my side.”
“So just like that, huh? You’re so sure just like that?”
I envied his sureness.
“Look, I understand what it’s like to put up walls so you don’t feel. Walls to keep you safe. Because if you don’t love, then you can’t be hurt, right?”
My bottom lip quivered as the tears stung my eyes and my throat constricted tight. It burned, and the heaps felt so tight along my esophagus that it felt like a hornet’s nest ready to burst, ready to sting, ready to fly out of control.
I was right there. I was wound up so tight and so protected that if I gave an inch, I was afraid of the aftermath and ramifications.
“Look at me, babe,” he said, his finger lightly touching my lower lip, the softness of his thumb pad along my lip. “I can promise you, as you’ve already noticed thus far, life with me will be fun. Exciting. It will not be dull for one moment. There’s going to be a lot of talking because that’s what happens to people who are doing important things.” His fingers slid through mine and I closed my eyes for a moment, letting his warmth wrap me like a blanket.
“I don’t want anyone else by my side. And I know this is going to be hard for you to step out and be seen in the world in such a public way, but don’t let that fear dictate you away from a life with me. From us. From a beautiful life. I mean, look around. Look at us.” His hand motioned for me to scan the yacht and the stormy waves outside the rain-covered windows.
“Look, life isn’t always sunny. As you can see, it’s stormy. But who do you want to bear those waves with?”
I sat frozen. Whenever too much came my way, I didn’t know how to process everything. I didn’t know what to say. I froze up like a mute.
I just knew the entire world knew of our affair, and I’d just lost what I worked so hard for.
“We’re heading back to the airport. Looks like waves are pretty high on more fronts than one. Do…do you want to come with me to India?” His fingers trailed on my arm. I knew what I wanted to do inside. I really did. I wanted him. I wanted us. I didn’t want to be Bradley Rainshaw and Kate Meadows. I just wanted to be in love separate from this entire circus. I knew what I wanted. Hell did I know. My entire body knew. My entire being responded to him in such strong ways like a magnet.
Like a movie reel, the last two days and our erotic affairs tumbled across the screen in my memory. Chills soared over my body and electricity surged even down to the tips of my pinkie toes. My nipples hardened thinking about being blind folded and how it felt to have my body explored by him. Heat flushed my cheeks at the thought of his touch between my legs with the shower head.
It was delicious in every sense.
His warm hand cusped my wrist and I loved the touch of his hands anywhere on my body.
That was the problem.