Sex. Well, what there was of it, had become all gentle. Like I was suddenly a fragile butterfly that needed to be carefully caressed and then deposited into a safe place. Seth was afraid of hurting me. I was afraid of Seth not hurting me. Yes, I understood that I was injured. Yes, I understood that one wrong move could set my healing cycle back by weeks. Yes, I understood wrist restraints weren’t possible. I understood all that, but it didn’t keep me from wanting…more.
Once we left Arizona and settled in Colorado, I’d expected things to change. Other than the fact that the doctor released me for desk-duty two weeks ago, there really hadn’t been many serious adjustments to my supposed helplessness. We’d yet to even enter the infamous playroom that I’d only gotten to enjoy one time, much less gotten naked and dirty while allowing me to thoroughly enjoy Seth dominating me in every way imaginable. I hadn’t been on my knees for him one time. Well, at least in a submission sort of way. He still waited on me, babied me, and made sure my every whim, regardless of how utterly ridiculous, was taken care of. Yes, I was ashamed to say I’d requested some ridiculousness just to test him.
He’d passed.
I was pretty sure I was failing.
I stopped pacing long enough to stare out one of the windows, trying my best to focus on the beautiful snow-kissed scenery in hopes that it might magically help ease the panic that suddenly began tightening around my chest. Deep breaths. Everything would be fine. It was all going to work out.
I’d found in the last month that my frustrations had morphed into panic attacks that were coming more often and getting stronger with each friendly visit. I knew BDSM was a huge part of Seth’s life and had been for years. Would he continue to want me around if I couldn’t give him everything he needed? Damn, it was what we both needed, but I was a hell of a lot more worried about satisfying Seth than I was about my own needs. Was he changing his mind? Realizing I wasn’t really what he wanted after all? My ‘new’ was already wearing off?
Sex and submission were the two most important things I could give him and for the past three months, I was a fucking failure.
The panic threatened to cut off the air trying to get to my lungs.
“Baker!” a male voice interrupted the I-think-I’m-dying process at the same time a hand clamped down on my shoulder. “Are you okay, man? You don’t look so good.”
Ari turned me away from the window and made me face him as he talked.
“Look at me, Baker,” he ordered. “Take slow, deep breaths.” Ari mimicked his own words, showing and telling me what I needed to do. “Deep breaths…just focus on my voice.”
I wasn’t sure how much time passed before my breathing returned to normal and the panic attack subsided. When my mind cleared, I found Ari staring at me with an incredibly worried expression on his face.
Because of the streak of jealousy that had raced through me the first time Seth mentioned Arizona’s name, I’d thought I wouldn’t like the guy. I’d been wrong. He was smart, cute, friendly, and one hundred percent grateful that Seth and I were together. We’d shared many laughs over how pitiful Seth had supposedly acted when he’d thought I’d left him after our mission in Miami ended. Other than Seth, he was my only friend in Colorado.
“Uhhhhh…what happened just then, Baker? First, I had to endure watching you stomp a good two miles in a less than one-hundred-yards of office space. That was comical at first but turned really annoying quickly. After that, I got to see you turn a deathly gray color and act like you were smothering to death.” He looked me up and down. “You’re a hottie, but death gray isn’t your best look, doll. What’s up?”
“N-nothing,” I stammered nervously. No matter how cool I thought Ari was, I wasn’t interested in anybody knowing about my insecurities. I tried to pull off a nonchalant shrug and added, “Just ready to go home.” I looked toward Landon’s office and asked, “How much longer do you think they’ll be in there?”
Ari glanced down at his watch and said, “Not much longer, I’m sure. Dad…I mean, Landon has an interview with someone in twenty minutes. My guess is he and Seth will be wrapping things up any minute now. At least they’d better be. I seriously doubt the asshole will be late, and I don’t intend to be around when he shows up.”
I didn’t have time to question Ari’s odd comments because no sooner had he spoken the words, the door to Landon’s office opened and Seth walked out. His eyes didn’t search the room to look for me. No, they immediately landed on me, causing every inch of my body to grow uncomfortably warm. It was like he had a Baker GPS built into his system. He smiled, and all my worries evaporated in an instant. That damn smile was going to be the death of me!