Tess’s hand comes out and smacks my chest to cut me off this time before pointing behind me.
“No, fire! The woods are on fire!” she repeats as I slowly turn around. “Oooh is this my surprise? Yay!”
When my back is to Tess, I see that there is indeed a fire that is quickly getting out of control. It appears that each and every paper luminary did not gently spark to life with the flick of a button like Jason promised, but burst into a raging paper bag inferno. All of it now engulfing the thirty-foot-long wooden structure Jason insisted on building a couple inches off the ground to set the luminaries on, so the snow wouldn’t get the wiring wet.
“Fuck yeah, we’re burning it all to the ground. This is the best surprise everrr!” Tess shouts, making me laugh at her exuberance as she dances in the snow next to me, even though this is now my third proposal that has gone to shit.
Or maybe not….
“Tess, love of my life, will you marry me?”
She immediately stops dancing in the snow to glare at me, the reflection of the flames in her eyes making her seem a little scarier than normal.
“Fuck off.”
“We wish you’d merry this guy! We wish you’d merry this guy!” I start singing and pointing at myself with my thumbs, willing to try anything at this point.
“Fuck. Off. Now I want s’mores. I’m gonna run to the kitchen before the fun goes out” is her only reply to my singing proposal as she turns to march back into the house, pausing when Jason goes racing by both of us at top speed.
“It’s fine! Everything is fine! Please don’t tell my wife what happened here tonight!” Jason shouts as we watch him run right up to the fire and put it all out within a matter of seconds with the fire extinguisher he came running by with.
“Dammit. Now I don’t get any s’mores,” Tess complains, looking back over her shoulder at me. “But that was still a pretty badass fire. You’re getting an early Christmas blowjob tonight.”
Well, shit. How am I supposed to be sad my plans literally went up in flames now? An early Christmas blowjob sounds like the best kind of blowjob. I always think better after an orgasm anyway.
“Seriously, you guys! Please don’t tell Allie!”
Jason is still shouting back by the smoking embers of my failed marriage proposal as I wrap my arm around Tess’s shoulders, and she wraps her arm around my waist. We trudge back up to the house through the snow, with Tess rattling on and on excitedly about how pretty the fire was, so at least I gave her some kind of fun story to brag to everyone she knows about. I always do like to look on the bright side of things.
After we read our bedtime story and Tess falls asleep, I’ll come up with something even bigger and better that will definitely convince her to say yes.CHAPTER 8Tess
“Don’t be elfish.”“Glad to see I’m not the only one who snorted too much Adderall too close to bedtime.”
My eyes fly up to the doorway of the kitchen when Millie walks in, and I set down the book of matches I’ve been lighting, watching them burn down to my fingers before dropping them into the bowl of water I grabbed when I came in here.
“Uh, no. Just can’t seem to fall asleep.”
“Tess, love of my life, will you marry me?”
Shaking my head to get rid of one of the reasons why I can’t sleep tonight, I see Millie walk the rest of the way into the big farmhouse-style kitchen and take a seat on one of the stools across the island from me.
“One time, I didn’t sleep for six days straight, but I was in a South Korean jail at the time, and it’s impossible to get a good night of rest with all that screaming.”
I just blink a few times at Millie, not sure why I’m even shocked by the things that come out of her mouth. Bodhi has told me plenty of stories about his oldest friend, as well as his own crazy stories from when he was traveling the world. Nothing should surprise me at this point between the two of them, and yet, it still does.
“Why don’t I get us some tea, and you can tell me all about why you’re in here alone at three in the morning huffing sulfur without inviting me.” Millie smiles, making me laugh for the first time since I realized that glorious fire outside earlier was actually supposed to be part of a fucking marriage proposal, and not just for funsies.
A fucking marriage proposal I am really regretting not saying yes to. Oh my God, what is happening to me? For fuck’s sake, Tiny Tim!