“I know that,” I lied. “But it’s just... nice with Kace.” I swallowed. “Not that nice is exactly the word I’d use,” I muttered. It’s easy.
“This is perfect!” Gwen exclaimed, clapping her hands.
I blinked at her. There were many ways I’d expected Gwen to possibly describe my situation, but I’d never thought perfect might be one.
“I was thinking it’s more irresponsible, selfish, reckless and vaguely skanky,” I replied, draining my drink.
Gwen’s expression softened as she poured me more to drink before reaching over to grasp my hand. “I don’t think you or what you’re doing are any of those things. In fact, if anyone that has ever met you was asked to come up with ten words to describe you, none of those would even factor in. I know as women, especially as mothers, our first instinct when we’re doing something purely for ourselves is to feel guilt. Men don’t feel it because they’re hardwired to be selfish. To see what they want, go out and get it without letting anything get in their way. My husband is an example of that. Though I will say, he definitely isn’t selfish inside or outside of the bedroom.” She grinned wickedly. “And, based on that glow you have going, I bet Kace is the same way.”
Heat crept up my neck at the mere mention of Kace’s bedroom skills. I shifted in my chair ever so slightly, the motion slightly uncomfortable in the best way.
“You seriously think this is a good thing?” I asked.
“It’s a great thing. You need to do more things for yourself. Just don’t put any pressure on yourself to make it into something. Or to make it into nothing. It’s going to be what it’s going to be. If we’ve learned anything from all of these years, it’s that we don’t have much control over what will happen when it comes to relationships.”
“Relationships?” I repeated. “No, I’m not going to have any kind of relationship. This is just sex. I’m not going to have any kind of relationship in the near future.”
“You’re still so young, sweetheart. You can still have another life. Another chapter. It wouldn’t take anything away from what you had with Ranger.”
I knew all of this. In theory. I knew that it was not logical or healthy to suspend myself in perpetual mourning or self-pity. To turn myself into the ever-enduring widow, permanently shutting out all forms of happiness. Though it was so very tempting to do just that. I would’ve done it already had it not been for the kids. If there weren’t two humans relying on me to help them navigate the world. Little humans who took their cues from me, who would be, at least in part, molded from my decisions. From the way I handled this. And if I did it in the way that my heart and soul desired, it would ruin their future relationships. Their views on the world. It would alter them in ways I couldn’t repair.
So I wouldn’t give in to my darker impulses. My ugly desires.
I would continue on.
Or do my very best at pretending that’s what I was doing.Chapter 13I had decided to take Gwen’s advice to heart.
Kind of.
I wasn’t going to push myself to make whatever Kace and I had into something. We had sex. Amazing sex. Sex that dark parts of me craved. Something I needed after the sun set on all my other identities and responsibilities. But he still needed to be gone when the sun rose. I was definitely not ready to turn this into anything more.
But I was going to explore my future. Maybe I wanted to rebel against what Evie had told me, about not having a choice in my future.
I was going on a date.
One with someone who didn’t wear a cut, didn’t carry a gun, didn’t drive a Harley. No, Edmond owned the one and only law firm in town. They did not represent the Sons of Templar; the Sons kept a very expensive LA law firm on retainer because if they were being accused of anything, they were already in deep shit. They were obviously good since no one had been prosecuted or even arrested in years.
Edmond had purchased the firm a few years ago, so he was reasonably new to town. Despite that, I was sure he was acquainted with the Sons of Templar, or at least their reputation.
We’d bumped into each other a few times over the past few months, after he’d read me Ranger’s will. Yeah, I hadn’t thought my husband was sensible enough to have written a will, but then again, it made sense. He’d always been was well aware that his lifestyle could steal him away from us.
It could be construed as totally fucking weird that I was going on a date with the man who my husband had employed to write his will. And it was. But this was my life.