Then he left.The job search wasn’t going well.
To be fair, I wasn’t exactly putting my whole self into it. I wasn’t applying for the positions at the local bank or working as an admin for an accounting firm one town over. Mostly because I feared they’d laugh at my resume and not give me an interview. And on the off chance they did, I’d be terrible, working in positions like those.
Although I hadn’t put on a cut, patched into the Sons, I had the same views as they did. I’d always had a little rebel in me, a little outlaw, a desire to stretch outside of the norm. Ranger and the Sons had nurtured that. The thought of having to cram myself into society after living this way for so long made me feel ill. Tempted me to either get creative on how to earn or swallow my pride and talk to Cade about working at one of the Son’s more legitimate businesses.
The problem was, my pride was the side of the state of Texas, and it would take me far too long to cut it into small enough pieces. I didn’t want to disappoint Ranger, to show that I wasn’t strong enough to look after myself and our children on my own.
Even though I knew he would’ve hated the thought of me working in some office, answering to someone else. That would’ve made him furious.
But he wasn’t here, so it didn’t really matter what he thought, did it?
I needed to escape the house. The feelings that came with it. The stress when I thought of how we needed a new fridge or that Jack would need a computer for school soon.
The kids were at Olive’s place again; they went almost every week. She made them dinner, they ate ice cream on the beach and sometimes painted the sunset. Other times, they’d make pottery with her in her garage turned studio. They’d come back with stains on their shirts and smiles in their hearts, which gave me hope for them. That they had this ability to utterly enjoy life even without their father. And Olive needed it. Time with her grandchildren so she could see her son wasn’t truly gone.
I also needed time with her. Usually, I needed time with Olive to remind me that I still had different parts of Ranger too. That I still had her.
But today I’d needed a break. Mostly because I couldn’t look her in the eye while I was screwing someone else and not grieving over her son.
She had been more than understanding and supportive of me going to Gwen’s for the evening. Had even offered to have the kids for the night.
“You need this,” she’d urged, reaching out to squeeze my hand.
I almost broke down right there, because of her kindness, love and support. But I’d managed. I was getting good at lying now.
Ryan and Alex had just left Gwen’s place. They’d been her for the past week, and we’d already had a large and lively dinner with everyone. They had announced that they were in the process of adopting a child, which meant celebrations all around.
It was hard for me to do that. Celebrate people having good in their lives. Despite the fact they were kind people who deserved all of that kind of stuff. I didn’t want to take anything away from them, I just didn’t want to be part of it. I didn’t need to see it. But that wasn’t really going to work unless I shut myself away from the world. People I loved and cared about were going to have milestones, parties, celebrations. I needed to learn how to be okay with that.
Alcohol helped.
Which was what Gwen greeted me with at the door with. Cosmos. Apparently, Cade had made them. I gave him a raised brow while walking past him in the kitchen.
“Not a fuckin’ word,” he scowled.
I only grinned. Though I didn’t really feel like doing it. It was all part of the act.
“Cade is playing bartender and babysitter tonight,” Gwen explained, ushering me outside onto her patio. “Though babysitting your own kids is literally just called parenting. Which is what I’ve told him about one thousand times. He’ll still call it babysitting one thousand and one just to piss me off.”
“Of course he will,” I agreed, sitting down and taking a sip of my drink. It was fabulous, and I made a mental note to somehow leak the information that Cade made a better Cosmo than any of the women in our group.
“Because he loves you. Men who love you, especially these kind of men, take great delight in pissing you off since they like fire in their women,” I continued. “And also because such a concept is laughable. He loves those kids more than life.”
Gwen’s eyes flickered inside with a loving look of contentment I used to have. “He really does.” Something darker crossed over her beautiful features, probably the memory of how close she’d come to losing him.