Mad looked for something to say that would bridge the void between them. Something smart. Something emotionally intelligent that would explain the depth of his feelings and commitment to her.
“Did you sleep okay?” Unfortunately, he wasn’t all that emotionally intelligent.
She stared at him for a moment, as though she had to remind herself he was actually here. “Fine. I got up early because I’d planned to insist that someone take me shopping, but apparently the Secret Service grabbed my bag from Gabe’s house. It’s weird that someone else brought my undies. How about you?”
He practically fell over in his haste to get closer to her. “I slept some. Not great because my mind won’t shut off, but my back isn’t screaming at me, so I’ll call it a win.”
“I still can’t picture you roughing it,” she admitted, wrinkling her nose. “You’re not exactly a nature lover.”
“I like nature, just from a distance,” he quipped, grateful that she was talking to him at all. He would happily make fun of himself in any way if it amused her. “Is anyone else awake?”
She shook her head. “I guess they’re sleeping in. From what the Secret Service told me, they were up late, so you’re the only person not in uniform I’ve seen this morning.”
He sat down across from her. “Security is pretty tight.”
“Obviously not tight enough if you managed to sneak into Zack’s limo.”
“Well, it helps when you’re working with the head of the president’s detail.” He didn’t want to talk about what had broken them apart. He wanted to talk about her and their child. He had a million questions. “How is the baby?”
“She’s fine.”
Mad felt as if his world stopped. His whole focus narrowed down to her and her words. Until now, the baby had been an idea in his head, something out of a dream. But Sara said they were having a girl. A girl was different. A girl wasn’t merely a baby. A girl was a daughter, a sweet feminine presence in his life he could love and protect and adore. A vision of a little sprite with tawny hair in pigtails whispered across his brain, the thought so sweet he could swear his heart clenched. “It’s a girl? They can tell so early?”
“It’s not that early,” Sara replied as though she hadn’t just rocked his world. “I had a sonogram weeks ago. She’s growing at a good pace. There’s nothing to worry about. She’s going to be healthy and perfect.”
“Of course she is. I’ll make sure she is. When this is over, I would like very much to come to the doctor’s appointments. I hate the fact that you’ve had to go alone.”
“I hate the fact that I’ve done everything in this pregnancy alone,” she said in a tone that made him realize he’d walked into a field full of land mines. “I hate the fact that my daughter is going to get caught up in all of this.”
He had to be so careful now or he would lose her for good. “I will do everything I can to shield her. I promise. Everything I’ve done so far has been to protect you both.”
She sighed, giving him that forthright stare that never failed to pull him in. “I sat up a long time last night thinking about this. I get that you thought leaving was the best way to handle the situation. You were scared and you had this paranoid guy talking in your ear.”
“Freddy knew a lot about the syndicate and what they were capable of.” He wasn’t sure what he would have done if Freddy hadn’t shown up that night. He might have called the police, then been in a world of hurt because the syndicate had long arms. “Freddy saved me that night.”
Her head shook and a tendril fell from her neat ponytail to caress her cheek. The pregnancy had done nothing but enhance her beauty. Her skin glowed with health. “He fed into your every worst instinct. You had options, Mad.”
How could he make her understand what it had been like for him? The world had crashed and burned that night, and it had been up to him to figure out how to make sense of it again. “I had to move quickly. I couldn’t do anything that would risk exposing our relationship to the public and putting you on the Russians’ hit list.”
“I do understand that.”
Thank god. Apparently she’d only needed to sleep on it. He reached for her hands. “I’m so glad you do. Baby, I’ve done nothing but think about you, worry about you. Miss the hell out of you.”
She pulled away. “But you never considered just talking to me? Treating me like a partner, rather than a liability you needed to martyr yourself to protect?”
“What are you talking about?”
She huffed, a frustrated sound. “There was a simple solution. You could have called me and told me what happened. You could have called Gabe. We would have helped you.”
“And have you threatened for it? Potentially be murdered for doing it?” Mad pointed out. “No.”
“I’m not an idiot. I wouldn’t have rushed out to the press and given away everything. I want to protect my child as much as you do. We’d been careful about our relationship up until that point,” Sara pointed out. “If you had told me about Krylov’s threats, I would have been perfectly reasonable. I might have been scared, but I wouldn’t have been destroyed. But you chose to take what could have been a simple decision and turn it into a grand drama. You didn’t treat me like your partner, your equal. You texted me that you no longer cared. You’re damn lucky I have pride or I might have shown up on your doorstep that night.”
How could she possibly think that way? “This wasn’t some college prank. I’m in the middle of a global conspiracy, and they’re out to not only kill one of my closest friends but assassinate my president. They can do it, too. They’ve already murdered Dax’s father, Zack’s mother, and Joy.”
“So the smart move was to alienate all your friends and tell the woman having your child that you’re done with her?” Tears shone in her eyes. “I love you. I do, but I’ve realized that you don’t love me the same way. We don’t have the same view of relationships. If I’d been the one unfortunate enough to meet Krylov, I would have tried to protect you, too, but I wouldn’t have savaged you to do it.”
He’d thought about it, thought about what could happen if she’d decided to be loyal to him until the bitter end. “Tell me you wouldn’t have tried to help me. I know how brave you are.”
“Yeah, but I have more than you and myself to worry about. I have to protect my daughter. I would have been careful the same way I’m going to be careful now. I’m happy you’re alive, but we’re over. I’m going to ask you to think of our daughter and stay away from me. There will be an insane amount of press around you when the world learns that Maddox Crawford is still alive.” Sara placed her hand on her belly as she eased off the stool. “We don’t need that.”
Mad stood in her path because they couldn’t end on this terrible note. “Sara, you can’t just walk away. You’re here with me. You’re involved now. Going back to New York isn’t an option. That’s another reason why I left so dramatically, as you put it. So you could just live and you wouldn’t have to hide.”
“I’ve been hiding, anyway. I’ve been avoiding life because I didn’t understand how you could love me one day and find me utterly beneath your notice the next. Now it makes sense. Thank you. I can move on.”
“Sara, baby—”
“No. Don’t try to sweet-talk me, Mad. The truth is, you’re not a grown-up. You’re still living in this crazy world where it seems logical to do insane things on impulse. I can’t live like that. I have to think of her. Of her stability.” She caressed her belly as she placed her half-empty bowl in the sink.