‘I need to explain things,’ she murmured tautly. ‘You have to understand why I did what I did...’
‘What’s to explain?’ Jai asked flatly, his wide sensual mouth settling into a grim line. ‘There is no arguing with what’s contained in that file. Obviously, the father I idolised lied to me all my life and behind those lies there must be even worse revelations. People with nothing to hide don’t lie.’
‘Jai... I—’
‘The someone who tipped you off could only have been my aunt, Jivika,’ Jai guessed, rising abruptly from his seat. ‘Jivika will know everything and that’s who I need to speak to now and finish this.’
Willow froze on the threshold of the room, recognising the pain darkening his eyes and shrinking from it in the knowledge that she had inflicted it on him by forcing him to deal with painful truths. ‘Let the dust settle first. Mull it over. And don’t forget,’ she muttered ruefully, ‘we all have a good side and a bad side. No matter what you find out one fact doesn’t change—you still had a wonderful father who loved you.’
‘Who told me that my mother was the love of his life...and yet, according to those documents, he abused her,’ Jai breathed with a shudder of revulsion, his shame at such a revelation palpable. ‘He lied on so many different levels that are unpardonable. Jivika, however, will know everything and she’s family. It will be confidential. I have to know it all now.’
For the first time, Willow understood why Jai’s aunt had resisted the temptation to interfere, because the ugly truth about his parents’ marriage had devastated Jai, rolling a wrecking ball through his every conviction and fond memory. ‘I was so naive about this situation,’ she confided with heartfelt regret. ‘I thought I could fix things but all I’ve done is cause more damage.’
‘No,’ Jai contradicted squarely, springing upright and towering over her. ‘Even the toughest truths shouldn’t be concealed from those concerned.’
‘Even when you consider what it’s done to our relationship?’ she pressed unhappily.
‘You were trying to right an injustice. I can respect that,’ Jai told her tightly. ‘But I don’t know if I can accept it and still live with you.’
His savage honesty crushed her. It contained none of the emotion she had longed to see coming in her direction. As Jai left the palace to visit his aunt, her tummy gave a nauseous flip and she turned away again, reckoning that whatever he learned would only cause him more distress. Ultimately, Jai could forgive her because she had exposed a truth that should never have been hidden from him, but it didn’t mean he would like her for it or that he would want to continue their marriage with a woman he didn’t feel he could trust. Nor was he likely to love her for shining a bright light over his father’s deceit and his mother’s victimhood. And love was what she was always seeking from Jai and least likely to receive, because love had much more humble beginnings.
Sometimes she thought that she had fallen in love with Jai the first time he smiled at her. Or had it happened when he wrapped an arm round her and offered her comfort, showing her a level of tenderness and understanding that she had never experienced before? Yet, it had been his raw, uninhibited passion that had exploded her out of the almost dreamlike state in which she had then lived her life, humbly accepting her limitations while doggedly following her own path and striving to rise above her father’s dissatisfaction with her. In matters of the heart, however, she had been naive until Jai came back into her life. Back then she had kept safe within narrow guidelines, never taking a risk, never allowing herself to want anything that seemed as if it might be out of reach. Jai, however, had been a huge risk, and marrying a man so far removed from her in terms of looks, status and wealth had been a challenge because right from the start she had felt out of her depth.
And now she was drowning in a deep sense of loss because she knew that Jai would never look at her in the same way again. Whatever she had achieved, whatever wrong she had tried to put right, she had been disloyal to him and once again she had acted behind his back, employing the secrecy that he abhorred. A prey to her tumultuous emotions, Willow found it impossible to settle to any task while Jai was still out.
Mid-afternoon, she heard the musicians strike up and watched Ranjit make a beeline for the entrance before forcing herself to walk upstairs and take refuge in their bedroom. If he wanted to discuss anything with her, he could come and find her. In the short-term it would be tactless of her to intrude when he probably still needed time and space to absorb what he had learned. Fed up with the warring thoughts assailing her and the almost overwhelming desire to run to his side and offer comfort, she kicked off her shoes and lay down on the bed, fighting her own inclinations to leave him alone rather than crowd him. After all, if she crowded him, she might only encourage him to dwell on the negative feelings he had been having about their marriage before his departure.
When Jai strode through the bedroom door and gave her a brilliant shimmering smile, it utterly disconcerted her. In consternation, Willow sat up and stared at him.
‘After what I said to you in my state of shock, I’m surprised that you’re still here,’ Jai admitted tautly, ‘and not on the first flight back to London.’
‘Some of what you said was fair. I did keep secrets, but only because I didn’t want to upset you. I honestly believed that telling you I was pregnant would be the worst news you’d ever heard,’ Willow confided ruefully. ‘And I couldn’t face it.’
‘After you, Hari’s the best thing that ever happened to me,’ Jai murmured in confident rebuttal. ‘I didn’t appreciate that when I first found out about him. But he gave us the chance to be together in a way that I could cope with.’
Her smooth brow furrowed because she didn’t understand. She had expected Jai to return angry or despondent, but he was demonstrating neither reaction. ‘Cope with?’ she queried.
‘I’ve never been into relationships. I’ve avoided normal relationships as if they were toxic,’ he reminded her uncomfortably. ‘My father never recovered from losing my mother and I was always very aware of that. It made me very reluctant to get in too deep with a woman and, when I did break that rule, I ended up with Cecilia and that was a hard lesson too. I didn’t have another relationship until I met you and that’s why it’s been rocky between us and I’ve been...’ his shrug was uneasy ‘...all over the place with you.’
‘All over the place?’ she repeated uncertainly.
‘When I married you I assumed we would have a detached marriage where after a while we each operated separately, but it didn’t turn out like that and I found the closeness that seemed so natural between us...well, for me it was primarily unnerving. I hadn’t bargained on feeling that way and I backed off fast,’ he extended ruefully.
Recalling the second week of their marriage, Willow released a sigh. ‘That hurt me.’
A wry smile slashed the tension from Jai’s beautifully modelled mouth. ‘And you called me on it, which was typical of you. I wasn’t used to that either. Women have always treated me as though everything I do is right and amazing...and then you came along.’
Willow winced. ‘Yes, and then I came along,’ she echoed unhappily.
‘And you challenged me every step of the way. You insisted that I treated you with respect. You had your opinions and your own way of looking at things and, while you were happy to listen to my viewpoint, you were independent, and I’ve never met with that before in a woman. You disagree with me. You were different and I liked that,’ he admitted tautly. ‘It’s a remarkably attractive talent, frustrating too, but I’ve discovered that I find it much more stimulating than having my ego stroked.’
Willow breathed in deep, wondering where the conversation was heading. ‘Really? Well, that’s fortunate because I think you have a very healthy ego as it is. You’d become unbearable if I agreed with everything you said.’
Jai laughed softly. ‘Probably, but not while you're around,’ he acknowledged. ‘I haven’t been a mega success at being a husband, have I?’ He shifted an expressive brown hand and groaned. ‘You get to me on levels I never expected to visit with a woman. It throws me off balance and then I get all worked up and I overreact like I did last night when I accused you of flirting with Sher...and as I did today.’