My stomach twists with anxiety, but there’s another emotion mixed in with my nervousness. Excitement? Happiness? The blood drains from my face as my heart contracts. “Oh, my God.”
“What are you thinking, Olivia?” Petra asks softly. “What do you want to do? I’ll support any decision you make.”
I brace my hands on the sink ledge, the cold ceramic cooling my clammy palms. I know that she’s asking me if I want to have the baby or not, and the logical answer would be no since I’m so unprepared both mentally and financially to have a child right now. I barely have a career, and I’ve been so depressed and lonely. But the thought of being a mother, the thought of loving another human being so deeply and richly, makes me second-guess myself. Frankly, the thought of having Randall’s baby makes my heart soar, even though I shouldn’t feel this way at all.
“I think I want to have the baby,” I whisper aloud, my heart hammering against my ribcage. “I’m ready.”
Petra’s forehead crinkles.
“Really? It’s going to be difficult, Livvy. Being a single mom is like walking through fire barefoot,” Petra warns, placing her hand on my shoulder. “You know that I was raised by a single mom, so I know.”
I nod my head. “Yes, but I’m up for the challenge. I need something good in my life right now, and this baby is it.”
Petra frowns a bit.
“You sure? You can’t live your life for another human being, Livs. You know that happiness comes from within, and it takes a lot of self-love and self-care to get there.”
I nod.
“I totally get it, but I can live my life for this baby. I want him or her, and I know I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s hard to explain, Pet, but I really, really do. I’m ready to be a mother.”
My friend smiles warmly at me and my heart rate slows as she says, “Okay then. You don’t have to decide now. No pressure. But I want you to know that you’ll always have me, Liv. I’m going to be the best, most involved godmother to that little munchkin ever.”
I smile widely, laughing alongside my best friend whom I feel such gratitude for in such an emotional, terrifying moment. Realizing I need a hug from her, I wrap my arms around her waist and she holds me close.
“You got this, Olivia,” she says reassuringly. “You’re going to be an amazing mother.”
I hope so because suddenly, my heart is filled with love for the baby that I made with the handsome doctor.9OliviaOne year later.
“Petra, what do I do?” I plead into the phone in my daughter’s nursery. “She won’t stop crying!”
I stare at my screaming baby, her beautiful face turning red as she bellows into the otherwise empty apartment. Even with her face pinched in emotion, Dorothy looks exactly like Randall with her big blue eyes and jet black hair. Her beauty astonishes me every day and unwittingly, my daughter’s become my anchor, my rock throughout the past few months ever since I gave birth. But, right now, as I watch her scream her little head off, my heart feels as though it’s being ripped out of my chest.
“Calm down, Olivia,” Petra says soothingly into the phone. “You’re not helping Dorothy because she can hear the panic in your voice. What do you think is wrong with her?”
I take a deep breath and try to talk as evenly and calmly as I can, slowly retreating into the corner of the room and sinking down to my knees. I close my eyes and focus on talking to Petra, drowning out Dorothy’s screams.
“I think she’s sick,” I reply to Petra. “She’s been coughing a lot lately and her nose won’t stop running. I don’t think she has a fever, but she keeps crying like something is bothering her. She won’t eat, sleep, or relax. I don’t know what to do and I’m at my wit’s end.”
“What you’re going to do is take that baby to the ER,” Petra says immediately. “Don’t mess around when your child is sick, Olivia. If you feel something may be wrong, don’t hesitate to listen to your gut. Just go to the hospital and get her examined.”
I swallow heavily. The only hospital in the area is Memorial Hospital, the same hospital that I met Randall at. I shiver at the thought of him, and the prospect of potentially seeing him again, but I push it away. I can’t think about any man right now because my daughter needs me.
“Okay,” I relent, standing up and moving over to my crying baby. I scoop her into my arms and grab her packed diaper bag from the rocking chair in the other corner of the bedroom. Her wails make my ears ring and my heart thump with ferocity against my ribcage. But these are the determined thumps of love that a mother has for her child, and I hug my baby close to my heart. “I’m going now.”