“Who will love you if I’m gone?”
Tears sting my eyes. He’s making this seem so impossible. He’s not even willing to consider the options. Surely, there’s more that can be done than choosing between nothing and death.
“You love me?” It takes me a long moment for my brain to register what he’s said.
“You know what I mean,” he murmurs as his feet begin to move, carrying him across my room near the foot of my king-sized bed. “We’re like family.”
Ouch.
“If you tell me you think of me like a little sister, I’ll never freaking speak to you again.”
“You’re eleven years younger than me, Molly. Even if dating was an option, I’m too damn old for you.”
“What are you trying to say? Spell it out, Briar. Wouldn’t want me to get confused seeing as how I’m so young and immature and all.”
He continues traveling across my room and back again, over and over so many times he’s making me dizzy. His hands work through his hair and then slide into the front pockets of his jeans. He repeats the pattern over and over so many times, I almost lie back down and take a nap.
“Are you saying we can never be together?” I prompt. “If that’s how you feel, you need to be able to say the actual words.”
“You know better than to even ask that question, Molly. The two of us together will never be an option.”
“So, you’re going to be alone forever?” I lick at my dry lips. I’ve never seen him with another woman. I’ve always assumed he was waiting for me to grow up.
“I don’t know,” he mumbles.
“You’ve been celibate waiting for me—”
“What?” He spins around to face me.
“You’ve been waiting for me.” I know it as sure I know the sun will set tonight and give way to the moon.
“I haven’t,” he argues.
He must see the confusion on my face because he places his hands on the end of my bed and leans closer. He’s still too far away to touch, but his undivided attention is what I’ve needed since he walked in here, and I didn’t have it until right now.
“I’ve been celibate for ten years, Molly. That would’ve made you eight. I’m not a fucking pedophile.” He shakes his head as if he’s disgusted by the mere thought. “I was celibate before I joined the club.”
It makes sense now, but I didn’t know he’d gone without sex for that long. I just know I was fourteen when I realized he was the most handsome man I’d ever seen in my life, and I’d never seen him with a woman before or after. His eyes didn’t follow me then the way they do now. As much as I wanted him to notice me, he’d always been polite, but it’s like I didn’t even activate his radar back then.
“Why are you celibate then?” I mean if we’re talking about it, I might as well know all the details.
“That’s not your business.”
“You were hard against me last night,” I remind him.
A haunting laugh erupts from his throat. “I don’t know why everyone thinks that celibacy and asexuality go hand in hand. Any girl grinding on my cock would make it hard.”
Any?
And I thought my heart was broken before. Maybe I am too young to fully understand what’s going on. Maybe that kiss meant nothing to him. His body only responded to external stimuli last night. It had nothing to do with the fact that it was me.
“Why are you here?” If he’s not in my room to pick up where we left off after getting interrupted last night, he needs to get to the point. My nose burns with the effort to not begin sobbing right now, and I’d like to do that in private.
“Fuck.” His hands work back over the top of his dark hair again, and his legs move him back and forth across my room, picking up the pattern right where he left off. “Can you not do that?”
“Do what?”
“Acting distant, treating me like I’m just some biker.”
“But aren’t you?” I challenge. “You’re my brother’s best friend, his VP. I’m just his little sister. We’re nothing more than that.”
That stings like a bitch to admit out loud, but it’s also cathartic, healing in a way.
“Right.” His pacing doesn’t stop, and he doesn’t seem inclined to leave anytime soon either. “That’s why I came up.”
I wait silently for him to get the words out. His mouth opens and closes several times like he’s unsure of how to word his thoughts, or like he’s pained with the task.
“You need to find another guy, Mols. I’m not the one for you.”
I wasn’t expecting that.
“Someone else?” He nods but won’t look in my direction.
He’s a fucking coward, and one hundred percent correct. I deserve better than someone who won’t stand up for what he wants. I tip my nose in the air and stiffen my back. I refuse to let the thread of doubt, the one that is always telling me he really doesn’t have feelings for me other than familial, tie up my heart.