It surprised me that she’d picked up on that back then.
My negative mind was kicking into full gear. “Okay…but Rory and Amber have a deeper history and years of memories. We’ve only been romantically involved for a couple of months.”
“I understand what you’re doing. You’re trying to prepare yourself just in case so that you don’t get hurt. You’ve suffered a lot of loss in your life. Between your father leaving us and Lainey…we’re used to being left behind, aren’t we? That doesn’t mean it will always be that way.”
This moment with my mother was a gift. The day would come when I would lose her, too. It was coming faster than I could handle. But she was here now. And even though there were many moments of confusion, I had to appreciate that there were still moments like this, ones of complete clarity. This one came when I really needed it.
She continued, “Don’t be so quick to assume that she’ll pick quantity over quality. I see the way she looks at you. And I’m not talking about the lustful way most women look at you—even some of my old bag friends who should be ashamed, quite honestly. With Amber, it’s different. Her face just lights up when you walk in the room. She admires you. She sees beyond the surface. There is no greater joy for a mother than to know that there’s a woman out there who looks at her son like that, who appreciates him inside and out.”
“I see that, too. I love the way she looks at me.”
“And if this doesn’t work out…if she chooses him over you, don’t take that to mean that you don’t deserve love. The right person will be out there for you. But I do hope Amber’s the one, because she’s wonderful. I’ve always felt that way about her. She’s the perfect complementary calm to my fiery boy.”
It felt great to open up, like a weight had been lifted off of my chest. It made me realize I hadn’t spoken about Amber to anyone. I always kept my private life private, especially with co-workers. But sometimes, you just need to talk it out.
“I never told you this, Mom, but I met a girl last year. Her name is Emily. She was honestly the first girl I was ready to hang things up for. Anyway, to make a long story short, she ended up going back with her ex-boyfriend. I was pretty hurt. She’s since broken up with him and tried to reconnect with me again. She lives here in Massachusetts.”
“Oh, wow.”
“Yeah…anyway, I really had it bad for her at one time. But when I met up with her again here…it just didn’t feel the same. That was kind of what helped me realize I’d fallen hard for Amber. I just hope that little mini-heartbreak with Emily wasn’t just practice for the big one.”
I was looking at my mother, waiting for more wise words of advice. Instead, she closed her eyes.
A full minute passed before she opened them. Then, she stared at me blankly. “What were we talking about?”
I could feel my eyes getting watery. She was gone again. “Nothing, Mom.” I kissed her on the forehead. “Thank you for listening.”
After my mother went to bed, I sat alone in the dark waiting for Amber to return.***She smelled like his damn cologne, and it was irking the hell out of me. She assured me nothing happened between them aside from hugging. Thank fuck.
It was the middle of the night, and it felt like I was in the midst of some kind of bizarre dream where everything I knew to be true was no longer. Amber was distraught as she recalled everything that Rory had admitted to her tonight. She said they stayed at his apartment talking for hours before he finally drove her home. They’d been gone way longer than I ever anticipated.
Amber paced across the bedroom. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. It sort of felt like he’d come back from the dead. I mean, I always knew he’d come back for her. I just never imagined this scenario. There was no plan for how to handle this situation.
I had no words.
The one major thing I’d always had in my corner was the fact that Rory could be deemed untrustworthy for abandoning her to see other people. Turns out, he was a martyr instead.
Fanfuckingtastic.
I understood her reaction, why finding out the real reason behind Rory’s abandonment would make her emotional. Even I felt devastated for him. But I wasn’t stupid. I knew Amber still had lingering feelings for Rory even before any of this happened. As much as that annoyed me, I always admired how deeply she loved with her whole heart and how loyal of a person she was. My hope was that I’d have more time to make her forget about him completely. I knew she had strong feelings for me, too. Did she love me? I had no idea. It felt like she might. Things were complicated even before this happened. But now? Now, it was downright messed-up. I had to protect myself.