“I need to slow down.”
She nodded, biting her bottom lip.
As I slowed my pace, we looked each other in the eyes while we fucked. The room was so quiet. There were no sounds other than the movement of our bodies and the occasional noise from the air conditioner. I’d never in my life looked a girl in the eyes during sex. With Amber, I wanted to capture every reaction, every emotion as she took me inside of her body. And then I wanted to burn those reactions into my brain, so I could think about them when we weren’t together anymore. But it also hurt, because one of the things reflected in her eyes was trust. And I wasn’t sure if I deserved it. I wanted to believe I did.
Fuck. What was happening to me?
As I picked up the pace, my hips moving in a circular motion, she dug harder and harder into my back. Then, she went and said something that nearly undid me.
“I want you to come on me. I want to feel it on my skin.”
I nearly lost it, pulling out of her and removing the condom before jerking myself off all over her stomach. As I came, she brought herself to orgasm with her fingers.
After, I lowered my body down and kissed the hell out of her, not caring about the sticky aftermath on my abs.
Gently biting her neck, I said, “Remind me to thank Rory for breaking you in for me.”
She smacked my ass. “Oh, you’re bad.”
After I cleaned up, we lay in the bed staring at each other. Sometimes what was unsaid could be so much louder than actual words. I knew we were both coming to the realization that we were kidding ourselves with this arrangement. But I wasn’t willing to stop it. I couldn’t.
She suddenly grabbed my face and kissed me long and hard, breaking only to say, “You’re addictive.”
“You’re beautiful,” I whispered into her mouth.
“You know…” she said. “I wasn’t sure if I believed you really felt I was beautiful at first. But now, the way you look at me and how your body reacts to me, I know you truly feel that way, which just surprises me, given how much…experience…you have.”
I struggled to find the right words to explain just how attracted to her I was. “There’s no one like you. There’s no one who smells like you, tastes like you. There’s no one with the same wide eyes, the same perky nose, the same slight freckles, the same plump lips, the same curve of your ass, the same short but beautiful legs, the same toes I want to nibble on. I don’t care how many women I’ve been with. There’s only one you, and I can’t get enough.”
My words put a huge smile on her face. “Do you still see me the same as when I was sixteen? I know you said that before. Have things changed now that you’ve…gotten to know me better?”
“You mean now that I’ve owned every inch of your body?” I nuzzled her neck. “Everything’s all jumbled now. I still see the old you. But I also see a grown, independent woman I’m really proud of. Every day I see more and more of her.”
“Figuratively and literally.” She giggled.
“Thank God for that.”
Amber’s smile faded as she seemed to be pondering something. “What if I see you in the future and can’t get past this?”
“What do you mean?”
“I can’t imagine ever being around you and not feeling what I’m feeling right now. There’s gonna come a day when maybe you’re married or I’m married. I don’t know. No matter where we are in our lives, I can’t imagine ever being in the same room with you and not remembering how this feels, not wanting this. My body will remember, even if I try to tell it not to. I can’t fathom ever not wanting you like this.”
Hearing her say that tore me up inside, because it was a harsh reminder of the reality of this situation that I’d gotten us into. Could I handle seeing Amber with another man? At this very moment, I knew in my heart the answer was no.
I tried to make light of her comment. “Well, then we’d just have to sneak away and become reacquainted.”
She was searching my eyes. “Are you serious?”
“I’m just kidding—maybe.” Moving a piece of her hair behind her ear, I said, “Anyway, you’re thinking too much. You don’t need to worry about that right now.”
“I know. I can’t help it. I’m sorry.”
As much as I’d told her not to worry about it, I felt what she said in my bones. She was articulating exactly what I was feeling. I was just afraid to accept it.
In my heart, I knew our story wasn’t going to have a simple ending.