***I didn’t know how to be around Damien. Carrying the burden of this secret was too much to handle. Whether I realized it or not, I had been shutting him out, and he was starting to sense that something was really wrong with me. I doubted he realized what it was, though. God only knew what conclusions he might have been drawing.
Two weeks passed since the doctor’s appointment. Each day, the plan was to come clean to him about the pregnancy, and each day, I would completely chicken out. I would tell myself that he needed more time to heal before dealing with the news, but the truth was, he would never be ready to hear it.
He seemed to suspect something was off and kept asking me if I was okay. I just didn’t know how to tell him the truth.
Lately, I’d been taking several trips to the “store” just to be able to talk to Jade privately. With Damien’s sensitive hearing, any conversations I had with her in our apartment were within his earshot even when I was whispering behind closed doors. Jade was seriously pissed at me for not having yet told him, but she still agreed to support me until I finally garnered the courage to come clean.
One afternoon, I’d returned home from having snuck out to call her. Damien was standing in the middle of the living room with his arms crossed. Adrenaline rushed through me when I caught a look at his expression.
“What the fuck is going on?” He had never spoken to me with such an angry tone.
“What do you mean?”
“You said you were going to the store. Instead, you were talking on the phone in the alleyway around the corner.”
My mouth dried up. “How did you know that?”
“Answer me first. What are you hiding?”
“You had me followed?”
“I was worried about you. When you bolted out of here this time, I called Gary and asked him to keep an eye on you, because I knew something wasn’t right. But I never expected him to tell me that.”
“So, you had Gary follow me. What exactly do you think is going on?”
“Fuck if I know, but it’s not leaving a warm and fuzzy feeling, Chelsea. What’s happening? Who were you talking to on the phone?”
I had to tell the truth.
My answer was barely audible. “Jade.”
Squinting his eyes, he asked, “What are you talking to Jade about that you can’t say in front of me?” He began to walk slowly toward me, and the false conclusion he was starting to draw nearly broke my heart. “Are you regretting all of this? Marrying me?”
I had to tell him.
Now.
“No! No. Never. Damien, I’m…”
“What?”
“I’m…pregnant.”
He practically fell back as if the proclamation had knocked the wind out of him.
“What?”
My eyes were getting moist. “Yes.”
Placing his hands on his head, he just looked at me in shock. “How could you be pregnant? You’re on the pill.”
“I made a terrible mistake. In the weeks before your operation, I was trying not to show you how scared I was. I started taking something homeopathic to take the edge off—St. John’s Wort. I thought it was harmless, but it turns out, it interferes with the pill’s effectiveness.” I began to pace. “This is all my fault. You asked one thing of me in this life, one sacrifice, and I couldn’t get it right.” I looked at him with pleading eyes. “But I can’t terminate it, Damien. I just can’t.”
He suddenly snapped, “I would never ask you to do that. Never. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
He just stood there in shock for an indeterminate amount of time.
Grabbing his jacket, he suddenly headed toward the front door.
“Where are you going?”
“I just…I need some air, okay? I’ll be back. Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.”
After he shut the door, I collapsed onto the couch in tears. As much as telling him the truth had hurt, it was an enormous release to have finally let it out. The weight of keeping it a secret had been killing me.
Sleep had evaded me for days. This was the first moment I felt like I could relax enough to even close my eyes. Exhausted, my body shut down, and I ended up falling asleep on the couch while waiting for Damien to return.
After an unknown amount of time passed, I woke up to find his head on my stomach.
Running my fingers through his wavy hair, I spoke softly, “You came back.”
“Of course I did. I’m sorry I ever left. I shouldn’t have left you like that. I just felt like I couldn’t breathe and needed to process it alone.”
“I’m so sorry.”
“This is not your fault. You didn’t do it intentionally.” He bent down and kissed my stomach tenderly then spoke over my skin, “I thought I was losing you. For weeks, I thought I was losing you, Chelsea. I had no clue what was going on.”