How was I possibly going to say no to that?
On the verge of tears, I said, “Okay.”
He was beaming. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Let’s go before I change my mind.”
Just like many things in life, the anticipation was far worse than the actual fall. I chose not to take Damien’s hand, instead opting to hold on tightly with both of mine. The anxiety that escalated on the way up unraveled when we plunged down for the first time. It turned out to be exhilarating, and I was really glad that I’d experienced it. I guess the ride was sort of like Damien: I knew it was probably going to end, that it wasn’t really going anywhere, but I was still enjoying the ups and downs of knowing him.
A little dizzy when we stepped off, I said, “Wow. That was actually really fun.”
“Thank you for going with me.”
“I guess we’re even today. We helped each other out in different ways.”
He moved a piece of hair away from my face. “The sun is setting. I used to love watching all of these lights from a distance on the beach. Wanna take a walk before we head home?”
A walk on the beach with Damien sounded exactly like how I wanted to end the day. “Sure.”
We grabbed some cotton candy and made our way to the beach, which had emptied out. It was a cool evening. Damien took off his jacket and threw it over my shoulders. The wind was blowing my hair into my face and into the cotton candy. He surprised me when he took off his beanie, too, and placed it over my head.
“That should hold it back so you can eat.”
I loved the warm feel of the knit fabric on my head.
“Thanks.”
He looked even more handsome with his hair flattened from the hat. I was having a hard time preventing myself from looking over at him instead of the magnificent amusement park lights in the distance.
The beauty of this night was making me emotional. It was quiet aside from the sound of the waves crashing. With each step, the realization of everything that happened today was starting to hit me. At one point, I suddenly stopped walking and just stared out into the lights in the distance.
His voice from behind startled me. “Say it, Chelsea.”
I turned around to face him. “What?”
“I can sense all of the thoughts spinning around in that pretty little head. I could feel them for the past several minutes. You need to get something off your chest. Do it.”
“Why did you have to kiss me like that today?” I finally spit out.
“I thought it was clear why I kissed you.”
“I know why you did it…but why did you have to make it feel so…real?”
His chest was rising and falling as his breathing quickened. He was struggling before he whispered, “It was real.”
“I’m confused.”
“Every part of that kiss was real, but it still shouldn’t have happened.”
“There’s supposedly nothing more than a friendship going on between us, right? So, why does being around you hurt so badly sometimes? I think I might’ve figured it out tonight. It’s because you tell me one thing, but your eyes tell me another, your heart tells me another. Your heart was beating faster than mine today. Why won’t you open it up to me?”
His eyes looked pained when he raised his voice. “My heart is broken, Chelsea. Alright?”
“Who broke your heart? Did she hurt you?”
The girl in that video?
“Who are you referring to?”
“Did someone hurt you? Is that why you’re so afraid of commitment? What happened to you to make you this way?”
He looked up at the starry sky before speaking. “It’s just who I am, how God made me. I can’t be what you need for the long term.”
“I don’t even care about the long term.”
“You say that, but you don’t mean it.”
“You’re what I need—what I need today.”
“And you have me…as a friend…always. I failed today, though. I wasn’t being a very good friend when I let that kiss get out of control. I got carried away, and I’m so sorry. But it won’t happen again.”
No, it won’t.
God, that hurt. It was like he’d closed the door on us and threw away the key. He might as well have just thrown a pile of sand in my eyes, too.
But I finally heard his message loud and clear.CHAPTER ELEVENDUCKING DRUNKThings changed after the night in Santa Cruz.
Damien tried to pretend it didn’t happen, but I just couldn’t.
Angry at myself for my inability to control my feelings, I’d decided that avoiding him would be better than trying to deal with things. I didn’t want him to witness my weakness anymore.
When he’d call me over for breakfast, I’d make up an excuse. When he’d come by, I’d act cold until he gave up and left.
The dogs were barking more than ever. I knew they were trying to get me to come over, and it pained me because I missed them. And I missed him. I just didn’t know how to be around him without feeling the sadness of his rejection.