My fingers then landed on a DVD that was inside of a plain plastic case. It was simply marked, Jamaica.
Feeling an intense need to know more about him, I glanced over at the television that was across from his bed, noticing that there was a DVD player right beside it. Without allowing myself the time to let guilt sink in, I quickly opened the case and popped the DVD inside.
The first image on the screen was a man’s bare abs. The lighting was bad. He seemed to be adjusting the camera. When he bent down to look inside the lens, a quick glimpse of his face revealed that it was Damien.
Oh. Fuck.
What was I about to watch?
For a brief moment, I closed my eyes until I heard a female voice in the video.
“Is it recording?” she asked.
“Yeah.”
When he turned around toward her, his ass was facing the camera and filled the screen. It was perfectly round, muscular, smooth and unblemished—everything I thought it would be. He had a beauty mark about the size of a pea on his right ass cheek. I covered my mouth and couldn’t help laughing at that.
Holy shit. I was staring at Damien’s ass.
Beautiful ass.
I needed to shut it off, but I couldn’t move.
It was difficult to see what she looked like. His back was blocking her, but it seemed that she was rubbing her hands down the front of his body.
“God, you’re ready,” she said.
“How ever can you tell?” he asked seductively.
His voice gave me chills.
Then, he reached over to grab something, and I heard what sounded like the crinkle of a condom wrapper. He lowered himself over her. I was grateful that I couldn’t make out her face.
She moaned out, “I love that first time you sink into me.”
“Yeah? You’re gonna love how hard I fuck you even more.”
After about a minute of sitting there frozen, my eyes were glued to Damien’s ass as he thrust his hips and pounded into her. I knew I had to stop. Just listening to the sounds he was making—ones I knew would haunt me for many nights to come—I’d decided I’d done enough damage to my psyche.
I ejected the DVD, carefully placing it back in the case before returning it to the box, which I slid under the bed.
My heart was pounding uncontrollably. I really had no right to watch that. It was likely several years old and a part of Damien’s past that wasn’t meant for anyone else’s eyes. I suddenly felt ashamed of myself.
He would never speak to me again if he knew I’d gone through his most personal stuff.
Guilt overtook me.
What had I done?***Back at my apartment, the guilt was soon replaced by the sweetest kind of torture. The vision of Damien’s ass, the deep, throaty sounds of his pleasure had been etched into my brain, replaying over and over as I brought myself to climax several times that night.
I’d replaced all memories of the woman in the video with myself, imagining what he would feel like as he filled me, that husky voice in my ear telling me how good he was going to fuck me while I inhaled the smell of him all over my naked body.
This was my punishment for snooping, and it came in the form of realizing even more clearly what I was missing.
Later that night, I confessed everything to Jade in a phone call after her performance.
“Block it out of your mind. Seriously. Just try to pretend you never saw it.”
“The more I try not to think about it, the worse it is. Sort of like my entire experience with the guy.”
“Here’s an interesting question,” she said. “Would you rather have the friendship you have with him now or a purely sexual relationship you knew would never turn into more? In either scenario, there’s no commitment.”
“Depends on my mood when you ask me. Earlier tonight, I might have said I’d take the sex.”
“But that’s not you, Chelsea. It’s not me, either. I don’t think we know how to not get attached. Some people are really good at compartmentalizing, but we suck at it.”
“You’re right. I would always want more with him. And because he and I have this friendship, I’ve already fallen for him as a person. If it could be just sex with no emotional connection, then maybe that would be different. But it’s too late for that. There already is a connection.”
“You know, I used to joke about you boning him and all that, but I’m almost sorry about that now, because I never knew that this thing would turn into a serious dilemma for you.”
“Maybe I should move.”
“Don’t be silly. You don’t want to move.”
“No, I don’t. That’s the problem. I’d miss him like crazy…and the damn dogs.”
“You and the dogs! That I definitely wouldn’t have predicted!”