“But you do,” she says softly. “And that’s okay, Lavender. It’s human. You were very close for a long time.”
I stare at the swirls and lines on the paper, at the ugliness I’ve created. “I don’t want to feel anything. I don’t want to be hurt, or jealous, or disappointed. I don’t want to feel betrayed.” I dip my pointer finger in the red paint and drag it through the mess I’ve created, splitting it in two so it mirrors my insides.
“I thought I was past all of this, but I’m not, Queenie. He was such a huge part of my life, and then he was gone.” I snap my fingers, drops of black and red splattering the paper. “Nobody understands what it was like, what it’s still like sometimes. And I know it wasn’t healthy. I know that. But he was mine, and then he was nothing. Is nothing.”
We talked a lot about the loss of that friendship in the aftermath, how it echoed a death. I couldn’t imagine how awful it would be to really and truly lose someone. How does a heart recover from losing someone fundamental to its existence? It gave me a new, deeper fear. I obsessed about death for a while, wanting to know where we go when we die. Does our body cease and our mind go on, voiceless and floating in the nothingness? Are we eternally alone with ourselves?
“I’m going to say something,” Queenie announces, “not as your therapist, but as someone who cares about both you and Kody.”
I still, my breath locked in my throat as I wait for words that will undo this pain. I meet her gaze and see inside her, right to the core of her uncertainty. And in that moment, I learn that adults are not infallible, that they don’t always have the answers, and sometimes they fuck shit up.
“No one ever expected things to go this way.” Her voice is soft like satin and sad like a funeral.
“Go what way?”
Queenie drops her head, her hand smoothing over her belly in rhythmic circles meant to calm—her or the baby, I’m not sure.
When her gaze meets mine, I feel her regret. “We didn’t account for Kody shutting down the way he did. You were both so young, and your bond was so strong. There was concern as to what that might look like in the future.”
These are all things I know. Things we’ve talked about.
And they were right to worry, because we were out of control. I couldn’t see it then, but I see it now. Kodiak would have tried to save me forever, and I would have drowned in my own anxiety to let him. I wanted that more than I wanted to get better.
“You did the right thing.” I press my palm against the paper. “The only way to break a bad habit is to eradicate it from your life. And that’s exactly what he’s done. Mission accomplished.” I drag my hand down and blur the lines. Everything bleeds together, my creation destroyed. So apt, considering it was me who ruined everything in the first place.Chapter Twenty-OneRoomies
Lavender
Present day
“WHAT DO YOU mean you’re moving out?” River follows me down the stairs, nearly stepping on my heels.
I brought Lovey and Lacey with me as reinforcements. I figure I can toss the basics into my suitcase and a couple of tote bins and manage the rest later.
My sewing supplies are going to be an issue. I may have to concede to working on projects here, because they’re not quite so easy to transport. But again, I can assess once I’m in my room and have an idea of the space.
“I put myself on the list and a room became available. I decided to take it.”
At the bottom of the stairs, he tries to worm his way around me, but I get to the front door first. Lovey and Lacey are behind him with two more boxes. Getting the door open is a problem, though, because I don’t have a free hand, and River is crowding me.
I give him a look. “Seriously, River?”
“Why do you want to live in the dorms? You’re going to hate it. Girls are catty. You won’t know people. What happens if-if-if . . . you have a huge anxiety attack?”
I’m holding a box full of toiletries and crap. It’s heavy. It’s not like I didn’t expect this, but my arms are starting to protest. “Then I’ll manage like I have for the past seven years.”
“But, but . . .” He flails and flounders. “Is it because of whatever happened last night? Or because I got into it with Kody?”
“That you actually need to ask that question is pretty much the reason I’m moving out. Now back up so I can open the door.” I push against his stomach with my box.