“I’m not pregnant… I can’t be. I’m on the pill.” My voice sounds weak and far away. I have the oddest sensation, almost like I’m on a rollercoaster, holding my breath, waiting for the first plunge. Reed’s strong hands have me sitting on the toilet.
A cool plastic white stick sits in my palm.
“Pee on it, Tess,” he demands, so I do.
As I watch, the little result window changes and right away two solid lines appear. Well, that didn’t take three minutes. That took five seconds.
Pregnant!
Deep down I knew. Deep down I know that this is the end. A tortured sob escapes me.
Reed holds me. He is murmuring comforting things. Things like it’s going to be all right. Like it’s meant to be.
Lies!
“Make sure she eats the crackers, applesauce, bread. Bland is the best with morning sickness. Her OB may prescribe her a pill to stop the vomiting. But hopefully, with the fluids we pumped into her she will be able to keep some food down and that won’t be necessary.”
Dr. Miller smiles down at me. “And I will call in the morning. Congratulations, you two.”
My mind is numb. I don’t even know how long I’ve been inspecting my nails. They are chipped. I hate chipped nails. I look up to see Reed staring at me.
“Do you feel up to talking” His blue eyes are guarded, unsure.
“What’s to talk about?” I look past his head and out the window. It’s getting dark out.
He sighs, running his hands through his hair. “I know this is a shock. Believe me, I’m shocked too. But the more I let it sink in that you are pregnant… with my baby. Kitten, we made a baby.”
And I think I might die. My heart is being torn in half.
“Reed,” I say, clearing my throat. “I can’t have this baby!”
I say this because it’s the truth. I’m mentally unfit, unstable, and let’s not even get into my pathetic body, seeming to be rejecting the whole idea.
He snorts and scoots me over so that he can slip in behind me. His warm, hard body instantly makes mine relax. His large hands pull me close then spread out on my flat stomach.
“Dr. Miller gave me a name of the best OB/GYN in Manhattan. I will get you an appointment tomorrow,” he murmurs in my ear. Tears slide down my cheeks.
“Reed!” I turn my head. “You’re not hearing me. We can’t have this baby!”
He grins. “Well, it’s a little late for that, Tess. You’ll be fine. Dr. Miller said in a couple of months the throwing up will be over and then smooth sailing.”
I turn over, lying on my back, and look at him. This man, who I have loved my whole life, is happy and wants this baby. I knew he would. My heart is racing.
I reach up and trace his full lips. “Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be. You can’t honestly want to be a father. You’re not even twenty-two. Maybe later.”
His warm hand caresses my chin, his thumb gently rubbing my bottom lip as he leans over and kisses me. I feel the wet tears, taste the salt as he continues to worship my face.
“You have always sold yourself short. You are going to be the best mother, trust me.”
I search his face. Jesus, he believes it. He loves me so much that he has no idea I’m not capable of this. Christ, the alcohol alone could have damaged the baby. Or it could be even crazier than I am. After all, I come from a long line of terrible people.
“Shh, rest. We will talk in the morning. You need your body to recuperate before you say anything you might regret.”
I turn to my side, my heart breaking. He’s wrong, so very wrong. I’m not going to change my mind. Some people can rise to the occasion. Do things they don’t want so they can make someone else happy. And I would do that. For Reed, I would do that. But I won’t do that to an innocent baby. No one deserves a mother like me. Both my parents would tell him so if they were here. He knows I suffer terrible anxiety, panic… whatever. I can’t pass that on to a child.
I close my eyes, my body and mind hurting. But that is nothing compared to what my heart feels. A hysterical giggle escapes me. I almost remind him I took a Valium last night. How could I even think about going however many months without one? But what’s the point? He wants to talk tomorrow. So, I’ll put off the inevitable.REED
Past – The DayI wake because I feel her gone. Then I hear her small gasps and heaves as she quietly pukes. I smile and stretch, amazed I slept the whole night.
“Tess? You okay?”