You think I don’t know how many cunts you have entered. Do they feel as silky as mine? Do they call your name when you are fucking them in the ass?
You like that, don’t you?
You start at the mouth, after a little while you move to the cunt, then when that insatiable cock of yours is nicely coated with pussy slime, you plunder the ass. And then you bring that shitty cock home and put it in my mouth.
You asshole, you! I’m still dripping with your fucking semen.
There was much more, four pages of the same insanely jealous, crude, totally baseless ranting—I was always faithful to her—but I won’t go on. You get the picture. I was a careless, blind fool who never understood that she had loved me with an intensity I did not feel or even guess at. I had loved her, but not the way she had loved me.
Wood only understands what it is to burn when it meets a flame. Olivia was my flame. She made me burn. She made me understand what poor, damaged Maria had felt: that all-consuming passion to possess someone so completely that renders death preferable to not having it. I never had the ability to miss anyone. Until now. Now I missed her the moment she left my presence.
With sadness I remembered the times Maria had said, ‘Come back to bed.’ And I had kissed her lightly on her forehead and hurried away to immerse myself in my work. She had rightly construed that as a lack of emotion. If Olivia asked me to come back to bed under no circumstances would I be heading off in the opposite direction.
For so long I had kept her poisonous letter. As if I deserved to suffer. Deserved to read her crazy lies. Now, I went to the fireplace, turned the gas on, and watched the flames rise up. I dropped the letter into them and watched the orange flames lick around the edges of the papers. Browning, curling, and finally consuming them until they were blackened ashes that fell into the grate. It was poetic.
The cremation of Maria’s letter.
As I watched the ashes began to fly into the room and for the first time there was no guilt or rage, only a lingering sense of profound loss for my children and for their loss: they would never experience kindergarten, get high behind a bicycle shed, fall in love, get married or know the great joy of having children of their own.
‘Time is the greatest healer. It will be less painful,’ everybody said, but time had made no difference. At night I still saw the flames reflected in their eyes as I ran in slow motion toward them.
I hurt as much today as I ever did and I guess I always will.
20
Olivia
Though we had sex, twice, before I left Dr. Kane’s home that morning I longed for him all day, and even knowing I had an appointment with him the next day I found it impossible to wait another night, another morning and another afternoon before I saw him again. So I phoned Beryl and she told me his last appointment should leave about five thirty so if I would come around about that time she’d slip me in.
I spent a long time getting ready. I wore my new perfume and because I knew Marlow liked playing with my hair, stroking it, twisting it in his fist, I washed it and brushed it until it shone. Then I pushed a blue velvet Alice band on my head to keep it away from my face.
I put on a red dress that I had bought that afternoon. It was not something I would normally have considered. It was a bit fast with a zip that went from its plunging neckline all the way down to its immodest hemline. I slipped on a pair of high heels exactly the same color as my Alice band, also acquired that day, and I was ready for Marlow Kane’s pleasure.
Underneath the cheap red dress I was nude.
When I arrived, Beryl whistled at me and made me blush. We chatted for a bit before she packed up her bag to leave. After I heard Beryl close the door, I t
ook off my coat and I opened his office door. I closed it behind me and posed against it. I had interrupted him in some deep thought because it took a moment for his eyes to stir and quicken with desire.
I unzipped the fast dress all the way down. His eyes never left me. I let it fall to the ground and walked slowly, my hips swaying exaggeratedly, over to his window. I kicked my shoes off and leaning forward laid my palms on the windowsill. I could see the street below. There were people and any one of them could have looked up and seen me naked. I didn’t care. With my legs spread wide I pushed my naked bottom out invitingly, and turned my head to the side to look at him.
He was only a few steps away, his face full of pure lust. He stood and came forward and bent his head toward me. I felt his breath, hot and urgent, hit the side of my neck, and then his fist was twisting in my hair…and tugging. My head jerked back. I stared up at him. His face was dark and his eyes blazed with need. A hand was caressing the curve of my bottom. He slapped it.
‘What is it you want, Lady Olivia?’ he asked quietly.
I felt excitement like a tingle on my skin. Staring into his eyes I formed my words. ‘I want your big cock in my ass, Dr. Kane.’
Marlow
My reaction was to become so completely still that it was the opposite of a reaction.
Her face paled, then reddened with shame. Her pliant body stiffened. ‘Sorry. Have I overstepped the mark? Was that too disgusting?’ Her voice faltered. Poor thing, she tried to laugh it off, but she was humiliated.
My hand was still twisted in her hair. Maria’s words were ashes in my mouth. There she was again taunting me. You start at the mouth, after a little while you move to the cunt, then when that insatiable cock of yours is nicely coated with pussy slime, you plunder the ass. And then you bring that shitty cock home and put it in my mouth. You asshole, you! I’m still dripping with your fucking semen.
But it was completely untrue. I didn’t do that to her. To start with I was never unfaithful to her. Not even straight sex, let alone anal sex. And I was not crazy mad for anal sex either.
Twice in four years we had anal sex. Both times she initiated it. I guess I just didn’t particularly want anal sex with her. I looked down at Olivia, her poor crumpled face and her innocent offer in tatters all around her.