I swore when I got sober and walked away from my past, I’d leave it there. I literally killed to leave it in my past. Still, the memories taint everything. I might be sober, I might have walked away from that life and chosen to live, but I don’t think I’ll ever be clean.
“Allen?” Jessie whispers, bringing my attention back to her. She reaches out a hand to me. “I don’t know where you went just now,” she says, her voice still soft.
“Jessie—”
“But I’m asking you right now to come back to me, Allen. Stay with me,” she says and I find myself putting my hand in hers and joining her on the bed.
For now, at least, my past is held back by the simple touch of a woman who soothes my soul like nothing ever has before.
14
Jessie
For a moment, Allen looked completely lost. It was like he completely left the room, even though his body was here with me. There was despair on his face, so stark and clear it was painful to see. I don’t know what is going on with him, but I know it’s hurting him and I want to soothe that—if only for tonight.
He gets down on the bed with me and I hold his face, letting my fingers rub against his soft beard. His body is warm, and it soothes the nerves thrumming through me.
“You’re so beautiful,” I tell him, his dark eyes burning me with their intensity. His large body against mine feels solid and huge, but safe at the same time. His tattoos are wrapped around his body, telling stories that I can only guess at, but stories that I want to hear.
“I think that’s my line, Mouse,” he murmurs, and his arms go around me as he kisses my forehead gently. He settles on his back, and gently pulls my body over him, so I’m lying on him.
“I should probably confess something, Allen.”
“What’s that, sweetheart?” he asks. He slides his fingers into my hair and then moves them down to gently touch my face.
“I’m kind of new to this,” I tell him quietly. His body goes still and I’m afraid I screwed up telling him that.
“How new?” he asks.
“I’m…”
“Jessie?” he prompts when I trail off, feeling out of my depth.
“I’m a virgin.”
“Maybe… I mean, your first time should be with…”
“You. I want it with you, Allen. No one else.”
“I don’t know if I’m the right person…”
“You don’t want me?” I ask, suddenly feeling like I shouldn’t be here. I go to move off of him, my arm going down to shield my breasts. His fingers bite into my hip, refusing to let me leave.
“I want you more than you will ever know, Jessie, and that’s the God’s honest truth.”
“Then I don’t understand,” I tell him. I’m trying to wade through the crazy mixed signals he keeps giving me, but I’m lost.
“Virginity is special, Jessie.” His words make the heat I feel intensify. I know I’m blushing, but I do my best to fight through my embarrassment.
“Would you rather I give it to another man? Would that make me more appealing?” I mutter, sounding and feeling annoyed. I mean, I know there aren’t many virgins left in today’s world—especially my age. But that doesn’t mean I’m some kind of freak.
“Fuck no. Jesus, I keep screwing this up,” Allen growls and I don’t reply, because he’s not wrong and I’m getting dizzy trying to understand. “You should be able to give your virginity to a man you love and one who will be by your side. Not a man you know almost nothing about and who has to go back to Miami tomorrow.”
“Miami’s not that far away, Allen. It’s in the same state.”
“It’s over five hours, Jessie.”
“I’m confused. Are you trying to talk me out of having sex with you, or are you trying to make it clear you have no intention of continuing our relationship after tonight?”
“Jessie, I just don’t want to lead you on. My life is… complicated.”
“I think I should go get dressed. If my being a virgin freaks you out so much I’ll find someone who—”
I don’t get the words out because Allen’s hand tightens in my hair, wrapping it around his fingers and holding me prisoner. Then he takes my mouth almost violently. His tongue pushes between my lips without waiting for an invitation. He ravages me, taking the kiss over and holding me right where he wants me.
“I don’t want you with another man, Jessie. I don’t want you with anyone but me,” he growls when we break apart. He flips us so that I’m on the bottom now and he’s over me, his face looking almost angry. “I don’t want anyone touching you,” he adds.
“I don’t either, Allen, just you,” I tell him, giving him the complete truth.
He stares at me intently before he bends his head and sucks my nipple into his mouth. I cry in shock. I wasn’t expecting it, but also it feels so good my body trembles in response. His tongue wraps around my nipple and my head pushes back against the pillow as I close my eyes, memorizing every sensation. He sucks again, trapping the nipple between his teeth just as his hand begins torturing my other breast.
“Just me, Jessie,” he growls, pinching one nipple as his mouth releases the other. “Just me,” he says again, blowing on the wet, distended nub that’s aching to be back in his mouth.
“That feels so good,” I moan, my hips pushing up against his body in reaction. “I need more,” I whimper.
“I’ll give you more,” he growls. “Only me,” he adds just as his fingers slide between my legs.
15
Allen
My fingers push between the lips of Jessie’s pussy only to be instantly enveloped by her heat and the wet evidence of her desire. I find her clit and graze my finger over it a few times, spreading her juices with my finger and using that to help tease her. I can feel her body tremble beneath me and with each carefully organized swipe of my hand her fingers tighten in my hair.
Possessiveness sweeps through me in a wave of emotion I never knew existed. I was trying to do what was right, I was trying to be good to Jessie, but her words unleashed something inside of me I’ve never felt before. I couldn’t let her leave. I couldn’t let another man claim what was mine—even if it shouldn’t be.
“Allen!” she cries as I slide the tips of two of my fingers inside her. I don’t go deeply, I don’t want to hurt her; I need to make sure she’s ready to accept me. I’ve had limited sex in my life and never with a virgin, so I’m flying in the dark here. I just know that I want to make it good for her. Jessie is all that matters. I pray I don’t mess this up, that the memories continue to stay away so I can give her everything she needs. I want her to feel beautiful and special—because she’s all that and more. I sink my fingers in a little deeper and I can feel the evidence of virginity. I should probably use my fingers to break through it, stretching her before I try to go inside, but I can’t. Doing that seems to be cheating us both. I want her to feel me… my cock inside of her at the exact moment she loses her virginity. I want to be deep inside of her, watching her face; I want her to look at me, knowing I’m the one claiming her.